AIBU to want to delay overnight contact for a while after separation because of concerns around alcohol and drugs?

[ThisQuickOliveCat]

My ex and I have a nearly 2-year-old son. We have broadly agreed that I will have the majority of care, around 75/25, but there is no court order.
My concern is mainly around alcohol and drugs.
Alcohol has been an issue since I got pregnant. He doesn’t drink every day and I’m not claiming he has a medical diagnosis, but his pattern for years has been binge drinking at home alone every weekend, usually Saturday night then spending all of Sunday hungover. This has been every single weekend since I got pregnant.
I have roughly 30 contemporaneous message exchanges from across the relationship where I am raising the same issue at the time - his drinking, being hungover, sleeping through family time and not being available as a parent.
The biggest impact for me wasn’t necessarily him drinking while physically looking after our son. It was that I could never rely on having another sober parent available at weekends. Our son has had significant health problems and there have been times I have needed hospital/A&E support or help while he has been very unwell, but my ex had been drinking or was hungover and therefore wasn’t available to help or drive.
To be completely fair to him, on the handful of occasions he has had our son completely on his own overnight, he has always made sure he hasn’t drunk alcohol. I think that distinction is important.
But after we separated I then discovered years of messages between him and a friend relating to cocaine. They span before our son was conceived, during my pregnancy, after his birth and more recently.

The messages show repeated planning and lying and admissions that he knows I would leave him if I found out. The messages included arranging for me and our baby to be out of the family home so they could use cocaine there, and discussing preparing it using one of our household plates and microwave and then washing the plate afterwards. There are also more recent messages about wanting to use cocaine and about wanting to smoke weed and get a dealer for when he moves into his own place. Again, I have no evidence that he has ever taken cocaine while actually responsible for our son, and he says he never has.

When the drug messages came to light, I didn’t know if there were drugs in the property so I asked for nursery’s advice and they told me they had to make a safeguarding referral. Children’s Services became involved but later closed the case because they did not consider there to be an immediate risk to our son based on the information available. We were effectively left to resolve future child arrangements ourselves/legal route.
We are currently still living together as he refused to leave the family home but trying to get an agreement to sell. He is moving into his own rented property and will want overnight contact.
I’m not looking to stop contact at all. My difficulty is working out what is reasonable once he is living alone.
Our son has significant allergies and respiratory problems, so whoever has him overnight needs to be sober, contactable and capable of dealing with an emergency.
Would a family court/Cafcass take a long history of contemporaneous messages about binge drinking, hangovers and parental unavailability seriously, even where he has previously stayed sober when actually having our son overnight alone?
And how would the cocaine messages be viewed where there is strong evidence of planning/concealment over years, but no evidence that he used cocaine while caring for our son?
Would proposing daytime contact initially after he moves, with overnights introduced once there is reassurance around alcohol/drugs and the new home, be considered reasonable safeguarding or could that be seen as me unnecessarily restricting contact?

I would worry about this too
what would reassure you? I went though this in mediation - my ex had a new gf very quickly and told me in mediation she’s Asian and can’t drink much and is a mother herself and will be there, which really reassured me so I started to allow overnights when baby was 18m. I found out later they’d broken up just before this mediation session so he was pretending she’d supervise basically but she obviously wasn’t! He has promised not to drink at all when our son is in his care.
the drugs thing is a worry if child finds and consumes a packet - this needs discussion. A plate that has been washed won’t put anyone at risk it’s not poison.
the court MIGHT order hair strand test but most likely they would accept that he never drinks or drugs around your son and you can’t prove otherwise.

if you keep this out of court etc you could ask that he sends you a breathalyzer video at 10pm etc

but you might need to just let him try. As if he does go to court things could get worse eg he might try for and get 5050

his line will be ‘I was using substances as I was so u happy in that relationship, I don’t anymore and and 100% sober when the child is in my care and there is no evidence to the contrary. She’s now pretending I’m dangerous as she’s bitter/neurotic/controlling/trying to alienate me’

This is based on experience - a mum I know had evidence due to a linked I pad of the dad ordering drugs. No one cared.

I would think the courts and CAFCASS would take the same line as children's services - that there's no evidence of harm to your son, and the information suggests that what is likely is that your ex would restrict his use to when he's child free. I do understand your anxiety, but the courts aren't there to make moral judgement about what parents do in their free time. Theres no safeguarding logic for what you've requested, ie daytime not overnight, from what you've posted - he isn't someone who drinks or uses every night, there isn't anything to suggest your child would safe in the day but at risk at night.
Realistically, even if your request was agreed, I don't know what evidence/reassurance you'd be expecting - it feels like it's more a wish to delay it, than that there's anything that would make you think you couldn't trust him one week but could the next, re overnight stays.

Would a family court/Cafcass take a long history of contemporaneous messages about binge drinking, hangovers and parental unavailability seriously, even where he has previously stayed sober when actually having our son overnight alone?
I'd Children services didn't from a safeguarding matter, it's likely cafcass wouldn't either.

Contact can't be stopped based on assumptions. He could say that he allowed himself to be drunk because he knew you wouldn't be so your child was safe but that he would never drink or do drugs whilst looking after him.

You'll need to keep a close eye and raise any concerns if you do have reasons to believe he drank aloe did drugs whilst in charge on your child.

For what purpose does he use a microwave in context to the cocaïne? So it can be smoked perhaps? That is a huge step up from snorting the stuff, if anyone agrees?
I'm pointing this out to you because smoking cocaïne is much more addictive and is something to be extra vigilant about. Also I am not sure what residue, if any, stays in the microwave, or kitchen air for your child to breath in at a later time.