AIBU to take our daughter away during my half-term week?

[Ep9993]

So me and my ex do 50/50 with our 4 year old which works fine for the most part. We alternate weekends and have regular nights with her during the week.

He has his own business so quite often will ask me to have her extra days, weekends etc.

She's only just started school and October half term is coming up and I'm attempting to sort childcare. Obviously I can't book every school holiday off but I have booked a week of it and also offered to look after her a few days the week I'm in work.

Her dad is busy with work so doesn't want to take any time expect for one day. This is totally fine if he can find alternative childcare or holiday club for her!

My issue is that the week I have booked off I'm wanting to go away to see family for 4/5 days. Only a few hours away in the car not abroad. My ex sees this as unfair as he wouldn't get to see her. In my mind he has chosen work over seeing her. It seems a bit mean to limit me from doing anything away from home even though he'll be working?

What does anyone else think?

How do holidays usually work? Holidays where one of you takes her somewhere, not school holidays

We try and agree before. We tend to agree a week or 10 days and then the other parent can do the same later on in the year.

Ive offered to do one week each to keep it even for half term

I wouldn’t not even start playing these games with him . You have a lot of years ahead of you. Your week your rules and that’s it . He will have to put his big boy pants on and deal with it.

The only issue is we split the week days so he sees this as me taking her during his time. Which, any other week, totally agree and wouldn't want to do it. Although I have said he can have a whole week then week before, or even a week at some point later in the year.

It's like negotiating with a bloody Rottweiler every time!

So I'm a bit confused by your post but it sounds like October half term for DD is 2 weeks, and the normal arrangement would be that she lives with you for one week and has mid-week visits with her Dad and the following week she live with her Dad and has mid-week visits with you?

So essentially, if you take her away she misses seeing her Dad mid-week?

You definitely need a different and fully agreed arrangement for holidays, but the solution here might just be that you don't see your DD the week she is with her Dad, to make up for "his" midweek that you had?

Could you offer to come back a day early so he has his day then and maybe has Friday - Sunday with her? Maybe even suggest he could take her away?

by his logic can neither of you never go on holiday for a week because the other parent would miss out onblnmod week contact?

your Post is quite confusing as typically half term is 1 week. I assume this school has 2? In which case say you will be taking her away for the first week and he can have her for the second week. He will have to arrange childcare or holiday club though if he’s working and that might be difficult at this short notice. What did you do before she started school and you were both working? Did she attend full time nursery?

Clearly you’re both going to want to take her away in the future and that will mean mid-week contact stops for a short time. As long as you would allow him the same when he chooses to take her away, this is something he’s going to have to get over otherwise he’s depriving his daughter of going on holiday or seeing your family because he is valuing himself and his interests over hers.

I’m not really following you

You take her away this Oct half term.

He has her the whole of Feb half term.

not rocket science.

This isn't logical. How on earth are either of you supposed to take the child on holiday if you can't both be flexible on contact?

It seems very petty to deprive the child of ever being able to go away because they will miss a contract with the other parent.

Even if one parent ends up going on more holidays because of differences in annual leave or disposable income, it shouldn't matter, because surely it's in the best interests of the child to be able to have life experiences such as going in holiday.

You have to have this conversation with him now. You've got 14 years of school holidays to work through.

Either
"It is his day so he arranges childcare/ takes the day off to look after her"
Or
"You are doing him a favour by doing all the childcare for 5 days or so, and he has to accept you might choose to do that at the seaside / on a City break / visiting relatives or friends"

He can't have it both ways.
Of course, if you have different days during the week for all 6 school holidays, then neither of you would ever be able to go anywhere for more than one night.