AIBU to not want in-laws at our ski holiday again?

[Middlesister123]

Am I being unreasonable to not want my in laws to holiday at the same ski resort?

We have booked to go on a ski holiday with our friends for the third year running. Lots of fun and it works with five kids.

Last year my in laws booked the same resort and the same apartment block with their friends. They wanted to “see” the grandchildren skiing. We had one lunch out and one dinner out and were annoyed they didn’t see more of us. Kids were in lessons every morning and then we often ate back at the apartment for lunch and sometimes didn’t go out skiing again.

This year they want to do the same again but this time bring my brother in law and wife and two kids. This feels tricky. The cousins will want to see our kids but we are with our friends. Skiing with kids is also a case of man marking and routines and keeping everyone from having a meltdown by day three. (Obviously v fun too but not relaxing in the normal sense.)

I can just envisage an expectation to see them a lot and I don’t want to abandon our friends.

Am I being unreasonable to not want them to ski in the same resort and potentially stay in the same apartment block?

Yeah I’ve taken kids ski-ing and it’s a balancing act to make sure everyone is fed and no meltdowns.

going with friends or in-laws might be okay but mixing it unlikely to end well.

kids get tired and stroppy ime

So they are paying for the other adult child and his family but not yours?

just tell them no that doesn’t work for you. You are going on holiday with friends and if they want to holiday with you then that needs to be arranged separately. Don’t tell them the dates etc you are going !

I'd just tell them, 'We are going with friends, I'm afraid and have made our plans with them. It would be rude to them to expect us to alter arrangements because family are there. Feel free to do your own thing, but you'll have to count us out'.

I would say ‘Happy to go skiing with you and the wider family but this year we’ve committed to going with our friends. We’ll go another time with you but obviously can’t afford to go twice in one season.’

I would tell them you've booked it with your friends and it would be impossible to enjoy your holiday whilst trying to spend time with that many people.

Definitely not unreasonable. It would also be really unfair to the friend you've arranged to go with. If I'm holidaying with a friend and our respective other halves and children, it wouldn't bother me at all if the friend and her family went off for a few meals with someone else (as happened the previous time, when your parents-in-law were there with their friends). But if the friend's parents-in-law AND brother-in-law and his wife and children were also there, that would change the whole dynamic of the holiday completely. I doubt the in-laws would be content with just the odd meal, especially when they have children too. My family would feel like the tag-along outsiders. No way would I sign up for a holiday like that, however good a friend you might be.

Just be honest and (dh can )tell them your time will simply be spread to thin and it's a holiday not a peep show of your dc...

Speak to BIL and wife directly . Perhaps they are going so PIL will have company, and won’t mind only seeing you once?

This!

Why isn't their son telling them it's his holiday with his friends and the logistics just won't work.?

YANBU skiing with young DCs is already a bit of a balancing act and it’s unfair on your friends to add the DGPs to the mix.

YANBU!! This is a holiday for you and your friends. It's totally mad to invite themselves.

Well, you can't actually tell them not to go on holiday where they want to - you can't stop them! But you can make it clear that you're going with friends and won't be spending any time with them!

This.
Your responsibility is to your friends that you made your plans with.
Your inlaws are CF's to assume.

Yeah, I think all you can do is say that and then not tell them about your plans again in the future. Do you by any chance have a DH who won't like having this conversation and will leave it all to you?

Another vote for this. If I were your friends I'd be really annoyed if I had arranged a skiing holiday with another family and their parents and siblings and family turned up in the same place expecting to also holiday with them. I wouldn't go with you again tbh.

They shouldn’t be hijacking your holiday with friends. Just explain your DC won’t be able to be in two places at once so their cousins may not see them that much.

I would hate this. Hate it!

Can I ask how your in-laws know you’re going away? I think this is a huge overstep on their part and you should be so cautious about what you share. It is not normal for anyone to invite themselves on someone else’s holiday.

Solution is ... let them go on holiday with your BIL and his family, whilst you ski off scott free into the Sunset somewhere else.

MIL was always telling inlaws when and where we were going on holiday so this happened to us several times. Which meant it was never really getting away from it all and the nightly dinner experiences grew a bit irritating after a while. We were expected to do what they wanted to do.

DH could never resist telling them all about it in advance, so its not surprising they jumped on a ready planned holiday.. so I think as they like to say, you may have a DH problem.

Its a sentimental view of how great the holiday would be on the part of your PILs but they need to let you guys have your own holiday time

Skiing is very different to a summer holiday.. where it might be nice to have more people around to amuse the kids. and its the one holiday where you can still socialise without sitters because the DC are busy in classes.
Also if your BIL and family are first timers, it will be an extra pain as you'll be expected to stay at their level to chat etc.

Your DH has to be firm on this.. If he isn't,then there's no point waiting around - you have to volunteer to be the bad guy and tell them yourself.

Give them the wrong dates so you only overlap the last day or two. ‘Ooops I got confused’ has worked for me well.

Suggest they go with brother in law this year and with you another year. It pushed the problem into the long grass.

@Middlesister123
Would we be right in thinking DH is letting you handle this as he doesn't want to upset his DPs?

Im currently going through a similar-ish situation, DP and I are planning an adventure which will involve a week of driving across Europe.

MIL/FIL meeting us at the destination.

We plan on being away for 4 weeks.

MIL/FIL now state they can't possibly fly so need to come with us, a week on the road, two weeks hol then a week driving back, all of us in the same vehicle.

DP making puppy dog eyes at me, I've made it clear it's not happening as I'll probably be arrested for multiple homicide.

Stand your ground, tell them you are holidaying with friends, dont tell them the dates or where you're staying.