AIBU to feel unable to move “home” while pregnant and fleeing abuse?

[Ethel91]

In short, I’m pregnant, have a toddler and fleeing domestic violence. I’m living 2hrs away from my friends and family. They are all keen for me to move “home.” The kids’ dad wouldn’t contest a move.

The thing is, I can’t. I can’t actually move to my hometown as I’d be too far away from work. I’d be moving to a town in the middle, that I don’t know, and I’d need to use full nursery hours plus wraparound care (I’d be out of the house 7am-7pm two-three days a week) and be absolutely broke affording it. The only way I could make it work would be if my mother did a day or two of childcare a week (and I got UC) but she’s just applied for and got a full-time job in the other direction, and is constantly claiming poverty, so I don’t think it’s a genuine offer.

I don’t want to barely see my kids and be completely broke for the sake of seeing family on the weekends slightly more often. I’d rather stay put where I have some friends, I know the area, and the schools are better.

AIBU?

They are keen for you to move because they want you out of your current situation. If you can leave and stay local then that's also fine. But you do need to leave.
If you need the support of home then you'll need a new job as well.
Best of luck.

He’s already left the country so there’s no imminent danger. I will be moving because I can’t afford our house alone, the question is where.

That’s the thing - “the support of home” doesn’t exist. If I moved to where they are, I’d be looking at halving my salary, giving up my career, relying indefinitely on benefits and for the sake of what? An occasional midweek visit? If my family could provide regular childcare it’d be a different matter, but they can’t or won’t.

It’s hard enough to come to terms with being an abuse victim. I don’t want to give up everything.

Obviously I don't know all the fine details here (nor do you need to disclose them) but I think YABU to at least not strongly consider getting your 2 vulnerable children (and yourself) out of the orbit of a violent and abusive father whilst you still can. That might be worth taking a hit on the job front.

XPost. Obviously my advice doesn't apply so please ignore.

Can you move closer to work?

Honestly i moved home once for family we saw them even less now we dont see them at all its pretty shit my next move will be closer to work and education

He’s already left the country so there’s no imminent danger.

This is a hugely important piece of information to leave out of your opening post, as your thread title says 'fleeing abuse'.

Therefore I think people will answer accordingly and may not read your update.

I’d say in your position, keep your stable job and friends and go for somewhere as close to work/nursery/decent school as possible. Maybe your parents can provide childcare sometimes at weekend so you get a break or you can visit them for support.

Ignore any emotional pleas from those who don't fully understand your situation. Best of luck 🍀

This is my fear. Realistically all my friends are married with small kids of their own and aren’t going to be driving an hour to visit for a cup of tea, any more than they drive two hours to do it.

I need to apply for schools for my toddler next year and I want to be somewhere we can settle.

Do what you know is best for you and DC. Family that won't/can't help do not need to be considered. Your day to day life with them is the most important. They can visit you when you and them are available. Even now, as an oldie, I wouldn't be reliant on family to be my total support, as it wouldn't happen. Love to see DC+GDC, but for visits only. They have their own life to live as well.

In that case definitely stay where you are! They are promising support that in reality doesn't exist. You need to live your reality, not their pipe dream.

@Ethel91you've answered your own questions.
Stay where you are, adapt and rebuild and only move if and when there's absolute benefit for you and your dc.
You've had enough disruption and turmoil without starting from scratch elsewhere in these circumstances.
Good luck with it all.

Move to wherever it will make your life easier.

People want this, that and the other, but at the end of the day you’ll be the one solo parenting. Do what’s easier for your circumstances.

This is what I’m coming to realise!

My mum said she’d drop a day at work, and now she’s taken a new full-time job in a small company in the opposite direction. She’d have been able to do emergency pick-ups from her old work, now she wouldn’t.

I do think she - and my friends - genuinely would like for me to live closer, but it just doesn’t work for me and my children.

Well if you work 2 hours from your old home town and you are going to keep the same job then obviously you can't go 'home'.

Your OP doesn't say any of them have offered childcare - just that they think it would be nice if you moved back, but that's not practical if you are working.

If your ex has left the country then you don't need to move at all (except for financial reasons if you need somewhere smaller).

That’s why I’d be moving an hour from my hometown - so the city is still commutable. I’m not tied to my job, but to the city, at least 2 days a week. My career isn’t transferable to a rural location, certainly not at the same salary.

I do need to move house for financial reasons and I’m keen to stay wherever I move for the long term.

YANBU. If staying put won't put you at any more danger from your abuser, stay put. Make connections with other single mums where you can swap favours on occasional childcare etc.

You're stronger than you think. Life is about to get so much better.

Grab a map draw a circle around where you work ie a commutable distance too work see what realistically falls inside of it

Can you downsize/move to a cheaper home staying broadly where you are? You can still travel ‘home’ for weekends/holidays but it’s most important you live somewhere that works Monday-Friday. In the middle seems the worst of both worlds.