Why am I like this and how can I change?

[Rwcennt]

Late 30s. Never had a problem attracting men (I realise that sounds incredibly arrogant but just wanting to be totally honest here in the hope to get genuine replies that may help). I’m not model attractive but I suppose overall I am ok, have decent job, ok weight, ok looking etc.

But throughout my life I have gone from one shit relationship to another. The problem has never been finding men but sustaining being in a relationship where I feel loved and cared for.

I gave dating a break for several years after I had my DD when I was 34. DD sees her dad now but he left when I was pregnant. Before him I was with someone even more awful if you can even believe that. Prior to that I was with a man who was all over me one minute and distant the next. Hours of silent treatment. Before that a man who generally treated me well but I felt pressured into intimacy a lot and did sexual acts I wasn’t comfortable with.

There was one man who did treat me well, very loving and caring but I ended things as I stopped being attracted to him when the first excitement wore off as it all seemed so calm that it didn’t feel like a relationship.

Anyway, all of that to say that on some level throughout all these relationships I knew deep down that the relationships were not functional and that I was allowing myself to be treated badly. Having had a few years off dating and after becoming a mother, I have been hesitant to get back out there. Without really looking, I have met someone who seems really great.

He is always in communication, open about his feelings, no games etc. All very calm. At first I was excited about it but I can feel myself starting to feel awkward about it all. I feel like there should be something going on at all times, some friction for us to confirm our feelings remain.

I know I am at risk of ruining this and don’t know why kindness and true compassion makes me feel so awkward and withdrawn? I really want to fix this as it’s truly affected my entire life

Hi,

Well I would ask how your home life was as a child and whether you had ti perform for love, or whether there was constant tension and drama.

These sorts of formative childhoods set us up for our understanding of what we think a relationship looks like.

For example are your female relationships so volatile?

It's good that you are asking and seeking answers, but bad that you are getting the ick from a healthy relationship. Do not allow yourself to get the ick, nor to sabotage this relationship.

It sounds like youre on the edge of realising that a successful relationship is calm and kind, but its just not what you're used to so mistaking it for boredom. Try just hanging in there and recognising the benefits of a non volatile partnership.

You are self sabotaging here, trying to recreate a familiar situation because you subconsciously believe you don’t deserve to be treated with respect.

friction doesn’t need to exist for a relationship to be healthy and mutually caring. Do you really think arguments and tension must exist for feelings to exist?

I'd recommend some counselling. There's a reason why you don't feel comfortable unless there's friction or troubling behaviour in relationships and you need to explore that. Otherwise you will continue to sabotage good relationships.

There's a good chance your parents treated you the way these men do and that's what draws you to them. Or maybe even one of them was abusive to the other without you being aware but they still have those traits that are in the men you pick. When the men aren't like that it feels uncomfortable because you're not used to it so you sabotage.

We get sold a version of love/romance through media, movies, tv shows, music,books etc. that is incredibly unhealthy. That we have to fight for it, that we need to love him into being better. That jealousy and control mean he cares , that arguing and high drama means passion. The more unhealthy and toxic it is, the more inlove you are.As if that’s not fucked up, they never actually show the “happily ever after”. That’s because it doesn’t exist, not in those kind of relationships.

In addition to that , a childhood spent with parents in a toxic relationship (the complete mindfuck of arguments, hate, abuse , cheating etc. while saying that they’re madly in love , for example) or trying to win their love , cements that idea that love should be hard work. Because you never know any different.

No idea if this resonates at all with you, but from my experience it’s a pretty common reason.

Exactly the same issue has just come out in Therapy for me.
I left a v calm loving man in my 20s, and then married an avoidant man - who swore I was the love of his life, would give me butterflies but then would 'disappear' /leave me feeling insecure at times.
Craving the excitement of a volatile relationship is very common. Seeking to repeat the relationships of your childhood also.
My Dad left my Mum when I was primary school age, and I think this caused insecurity and gave me abandonment issues. He also disappeared from contact on one occasion during my adult life - I had no idea where he was, and randomly got back in touch after a year.
My therapist has said that I've repeated this relationship pattern in who I chose to marry - because it feels familiar (for want of a better word).
Any chance of you seeking therapy/counselling? Because I had no idea about any of this before I had really in depth therapy (after my divorce - yes, you guessed it - ex-H left me).

It’s down to someone or something that you experienced in formative years. I have low self esteem, had strings of unsuitable partners and was always seeking excitement dating ‘bad boys’ as a youngster. I was horrible to some probably really kind and genuine guys. I don’t trust myself anymore and just trying to manage a relationship with myself is hard work! Hope you get some good therapy and move on positively

Agree with PP. Likely this is something you learnt from your parents/something else in your past.

You need to understand and process (therapy will be most effective) that before you will be able to have a healthy relationship

You've identified the issue, which is the first step: I feel like there should be something going on at all times, some friction for us to confirm our feelings remain.

There's a reason toxic or abusive relationships are addictive. I'm not smart enough to name all the hormones and processes, but in essence there are chemical things happening in your brain that can be very very difficult to move away from even when they ruin you. I am going to guess you grew up with parents who fought a lot and created hell and then told themselves and possibly you that it was "passion" and a sign of how great and grand their love was?

You can't reason yourself into love; it's possible that you can't fall in love with this guy even if there's nothing wrong with him because he's just not for you. A counsellor may be able to help you unpick this though, and if you find you really can't be present in a relationship unless it's frankly turbulent and shite, then it may just be better not to have relationships at all. You've got your daughter to think of now; don't pass this on to her.

OP, this sounds just like me and my situation.

I was abused, in many ways, in my marriage and left him many many years ago. I spent years in and out of relationships but was mostly single mainly because I thought I wouldn't find someone decent. I had lots of therapy.

Subconsciously I went for the same men, or I couldn't trust. Only a couple of years after I left my ex husband I met a lovely man, I didn't know how to deal with real love. I ended that relationship only after a few months and deeply regretted it, he got with someone else though.

Since then I truly couldn't find anyone so happy, caring, thoughtful, timid, full of energy and loving, absolutely unconditionally (obviously I didn't know the unconditional bit at the time). Someone said to me "when you find a decent man, it should feel safe not intense".

Then I found out he had split from his long term girlfriend the year before and I couldn't believe it. We reunited and we've been together over a year now and it's the best thing I've done.

He says he'll 100% be there no matter what and he is, every time, and I can bring any issues up without any limitations every time. He says that he can't believe no-one has loved me unconditionally.

OP please give this relationship time, if you have these feelings maybe see it as a temporary thing and don't make any rash decisions.

I'm so glad that I had the chance again with mine, there's no way I'm letting him go ever! He makes me feel safe (which is what I think I was subconsciously avoiding with others because I believed relationships had to feel really intense, especially at the beginning) but also adored, wholeheartedly and passionately.

Also, I didn't have unconditional love growing up.

Obviously, some amount of friction is normal in relationships and we've had a bit but we've always been able to deal with it in a calm way (it's not boring!) and this is the difference.