To be slightly concerned about sister's relationship

[TheSpoonyMaker]

She's 24 and has moved in with a man she met on a dating app who's a similar age, they were together about a year before moving in, but they're about 4 hours away from us now.

I went down to see them and got them a housewarming gift, it's incredibly isolated where they live. They both drive but there isn't even so much as a shop within a 10-minute drive. It's a lovely home, she has a good job in the nearest city but I'm concerned she spends all her time with him.

Whenever she comes back up to see our parents, he always comes with her, she's never alone. When i was at their house, he made a bit of a jokey dig about her lack of cooking skills. We were in the car and she was trying to have a stimulating conversation with him and he was just saying 'mmm' 'yeah' and giving nothing back, as though he weren't really listening.

I don't know if she has any friends around there, all their friends now are mutual and I don't think they ever spend a day apart. I know there's nothing I can do, I just find it all a bit too codependent. I know they're only young and maybe will grow out of it.

You are allowed to be concerned. But your sister is an adult and, as such, is equally allowed to make mistakes or to be with someone you don't agree with.

All you can do is to make sure that she knows you will never judge her and she can always come to you with any life concerns. She's 24. She's capable of knowing who she wants to be with.

Watch and wait. You've seen something in the dynamic that has alarmed you. Are you close enough to ask her how things are going between them?

You don’t know if she has any friends around there… have you asked?

Yes and no, I can ask but she isn't the type who would confide, she doesn't really show emotion and keeps to herself. I have only seen her cry once as an adult, ever.

What does your sister think about it? It may not be your cup of tea but it might be what suits her. Did she seem happy?

What does your sister think about it? It may not be your cup of tea but it might be what suits her. Did she seem happy?

She may be meeting them through her job hopefully, but where they live is the absolute middle of nowhere. I just hope she gets some time alone.

She seems happy, and maybe it does suit her. There is just something slightly off about him, he seemed shy and sweet at first but I'm not sure.

This development isn’t surprising then. Moving away, fairly rural home.

How often have you met him?

Stay close to your sister and keep in touch regularly. Invite her over and continue to visit her. It might be nothing, it might be something but to be honest there isn’t necessarily anything alarming in what you are describing at the moment. Only time will tell.

Could you suggest meeting up with your sister for a shopping and lunch day in the city? You could specify 'just us girls'? Or tell her you've got a voucher for an spa day and ask her to come along?

I don't immediately see an issue. They live rurally but both drive so why does it matter if there is a shop nearby?
She goes to work and, supposedly, so does he. They are not together 24/7.
You don't know anything at all about her daily life and what sorts of activities she may be doing independently in the city she works in.
As to visiting parents together, I think it is part of being a couple. I don't remember a single time my ex visited his parents without me in 6 years we've lived together and I promise you, I was not abusing him. I just liked his parents and wanted to see them.
By all means, keep an eye on it but there is absolutely nothing alarming about what you told us.

Something is ringing an alarm bell for you, I wouldn't go charging in but I also wouldn't discount that feeling. Stay open and available, see her regularly with and without him, if you can. Even if this means you doing more of the legwork that she does.

It's hard to say, it could all be fine and this is a lifestyle that suits her but we have instincts for a reason. I agree with just keeping in touch, being a good sister and taking an interest in her life for now.

Sounds like my relationship, although I’m the one who doesn’t really do conversation in the car. The car is where I do my best daydreaming. But we live rural, spend all our time together and I don’t have any other friends. Couldn’t be happier! Everybody is different.

Invite her for a girly spa day, have a boozy lunch and see what comes out. If you can treat her all the better

As others have said, does she seem happy?

Very little of what you’ve outlined seems particularly worrying. It just sounds like she is living a different life to one you would choose for yourself.

My mother was a deeply caring woman. She wanted the best for everyone. But she was also incredibly opinionated and rigid in her thinking. To her success and happiness had very strict and limited parameters: what she had decided was right. Anyone who thought or did differently was being stupid or obstinate. ‘Why would anyone ever want to live in the countryside?’, ‘Why would anyone want a big expensive wedding?!’ (and her idea of expensive was pretty low - essentially anything more than a small sandwich buffet for 12 guests!), ‘It is sickening and ostentatious (seriously!) to want more than two children’, ‘Holidays abroad are dreadful for the environment and anyone that has one is awful’, etc., etc.

She didn’t understand that we are all different and want and like different things. ‘My way or the highway’. Which meant that her good points and her caring was often drowned out by the noise of indignant anger.

Besides, you appear to have no idea what she actually does with her time and appear to be basing all knowledge of her life on the fact she lives in a cottage! Perhaps your sister likes living away from the noise of the city and surrounded by nature. Perhaps she’s content with the friendships she has and how often she sees them or even not seeing people much. Perhaps she is happy and in love.

Certainly her partner coming on visits is a normal thing that happens when people partner up. Are you in a relationship OP? And I would be far more concerned about her partner if visits home stopped altogether.

Of course, your concerns might be right. The only thing to do is to stay available to your sister and also try and separate your preconceived notions on how people should live and be from any genuine concerns.