So it seems I’m the problem. How do I change?

[Polllypol]

I’m almost 40. I’ve never been good at relationships. Looking back there was a reasonable amount of emotional neglect as a child though I had everything else I needed.

I have one child with a man who is now my ex, who, although isn’t an awful person, frankly always put his work first and didn’t really care and not even sure he loved me. Unavailable men in all sorts of forms have been my go to. They keep me committed.

In contrast, I look back and know I lost a lovely lovely man who would have done anything for me. I was happy with him but spent the entire time feeling on edge. It was uncomfortable for me. I needed drama.

I’ve had a break from relationships for a few years and have quite by chance met someone. He really likes me and says so often. He’s lovely about my child and takes an interest. He’s polite and kind.

I am picking apart everything. Looking for problems. Even asking him things that I know would turn me off him if he gives a particular answer. I know people will post here and say hope he gets a lucky escape etc but for all
the issues I have my heart is in the right place. I truly want a relationship and I’m supportive and caring and kind. I know this but I just struggle so much with the ‘nice men.’ I don’t want to mess this up. Any advice? I am almost scared to communicate much with him as I know now I like him that I will find anything to write him off

Could you invest in therapy to help you try to unpick these issues/themes?

I think this is a discussion to have with a therapist, really.

Please remember that your childhood and the impact it's had on you is not something you chose and is not your fault. But it is something that's your responsibility to work on.

To be honest I’ve read so much stuff. I’ve had therapy. I get exactly why I do it. The other day there was a moment I was starting to panic and said something silly and I managed to be honest and I just said, I’m sorry I said that because I felt awkward but I really mean…. Etc

I just wish I could let myself be happy

Maybe you could try a "fake it till you make it" approach. Force yourself to say and do nice things for him - when you're due to go out together, plan in advance some nice things to say to him on the date.

Therapy would be ideal
Keep him as a friend instant of a being in a relationship.
You are unaware of his negitives yet we all can not be perfect or need to sabatage a good connection.

Therapy is not only about why you do it but also about what to do now. A lot of people focus on "excavation" of historical facts and not enough on strategies to allow you to move forward. You need to have clear therapy goals and outline them in the initial consultation.
I would invest in 6-8 sessions to work through how to make the change you want to make. Make it clear that you are not interested in exploring your past.

@Polllypol relationship psychotherapist here. I recommend this book. Learn about your attachment style and try and figure out where this need for drama comes from. Edit to say I’ve just read you know where it comes from. I agree you need strategy for moving forward. Have a look at this book it has useful strategies inside it.