6 year old tantrums and noises

[Periperinotsospicy]

Morning
6 year old DD has always been strong willed, a bit clingy, and stubborn. Recently she has started having massive tantrums when she doesn't want to do something. E.g. walk home from school and will sit on the floor and scream. Go to bed, will just yell at us, screaming blue murder. Sometimes though we have no idea what the problem is at all.
And then the worst part is the noises she makes rather than using words. She won't say what's wrong, she just makes these really loud "ehhh ehhh ehhh" noises when we talk to her.

I've started trying to explain that although its ok to be angry it's not ok to yell, hit or just generally be mean to us all when she is.
That works maybe once in 10.

I'm at my wits end. (And my wits aren't very long at the moment anyway) but I thought we were out of tantrum age ( she never really had tantrums as a toddler).

She is below average at school, and we are wondering if she is dyslexic. But it's too early for school to talk about that.
She says she enjoys school a lot and has some friends (though not particularly close ones). She's sociable, and very chatty with adults.

I guess my questions are

1. How do we deal with the tantrums and
2. Should we be looking at SEN support? Is this "normal" behaviour for a 6 year old?

It could well be ‘frustration’ from struggling at school and she holds it together until she’s with her ‘safe’ people. I’d suggest you speak to the school and get more details on why she’s below average and their feedback on signs SEN.

I don't know if it's normal as such but my 6yo can have the same behaviour sometimes. In fact I ended up taking away her tablet completely because I think it was exacerbating it. She has been a lot better since but she will still sometimes do it and like your daughter she won't speak to us or use her words and will just make a sort of whingy noise. Very annoying.

Could it be exhaustion? Five days in school is a lot at that age, esp if she’s struggling with the work.

My dd is similar though with lots of other issues too and is on the waiting list for ASD and ADHD assessment. Is this the only thing that concerns you or is there anything else? There’s nothing wrong with asking for a chat with the SEN lead at school and asking if there’s any concerns at school and for any help they can give or suggest.

our DD is 6 and also having random meltdowns. Hopefully just linked to the new school year and lots of new challenges at school. Guess time will tell

My dd is 6 and has been having a lot of huffs lately. Three in the last day. She'll tend to take herself off to another room and cry for a bit until she's calm again. I tend to give her the space she needs and then she'll come and say sorry.

With her it is usually tiredness, but since she's fallen asleep once before nine in the last few months and then had to be up for school it's not surprising.

I had similar meltdowns at that age - mine continued into late primary and early secondary too. I was eventually diagnosed autistic at age 36.

She sounds exhausted and overwhelmed 1 unfortunately schools are not good places for many children with neurodivergence - especially girls as they present very differently and are often overlooked.

From speaking to other late-diagnosed adult women, a common theme was reports saying we were quiet in class but a “pleasure to teach”. A good academic record and rarely (ever) in trouble, but home would be a very, very different story and every single one of us struggled socially.

Thank you everyone. So not unusual but worth a chat with the teachers. We have a parents evening coming up so will wait until then.

School is exhausting and I think this year is a bit of a step up. I'm feeling so pushed for time all the time so I can imagine she feels that too.

That noise goes right through me though!

Just say
'nope - can't understand baby noises' and walk away from the tantrum

I do. But it doesn't seem to matter. I wonder if it's because she doesn't really know what's wrong...

Do you ever discuss it with her at other times? My dd assures me that when she says she hates me or that I'm the worst mother ever she doesn't mean it and that it just comes out. So she can analyse what has happened once she had calmed down. It might be worth seeing if your dd had any insight. And also how she wants you to react in the moment. Mine had, from a young age, needed space and will now take herself to another room. DP will try to involve himself but it doesn't help. I leave her be, knowing she'll come for a hug when she's ready.

This. She is too old to be ‘communicating’ this way. Tell her to use her words or she gets nothing

I think you may well be right - it could be tiredness, frustrations, overwhelm, - could you phrase it as " are you unhappy but it's coming out as angry?" that might connect with her feelings enough to open things up a bit so that you can talk it through more.