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AIBU?

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To say getting married to protect your finance is a joke

184 replies

bebanjo · Yesterday 23:32

Been married 20 years house fully paid for. He’s divorcing me, his moved in with new partner. He’s severed the joint tenants, refuses mediation now has about 2 weeks to live.

OP posts:
WilmaandFred · Today 06:14

WinterBlues26 · Yesterday 23:35

Get a solicitor. Just because your stbxh has done this it doesn't mean he is legally allowed. You cannot sever joint tenants unilaterally.

Please don’t give legal advice as you clearly dont know. You absolutely can

WilmaandFred · Today 06:16

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · Yesterday 23:42

If you both paid for the house, he can't will it to someone else.

Yes he can if tenancy has been validly severed

WilmaandFred · Today 06:17

everynowandthenifallapart · Yesterday 23:44

Joint tenants is neither here nor there if you are married and have been for a long time.

It’s very much here once he dies with a valid will

WilmaandFred · Today 06:20

bebanjo · Yesterday 23:54

She will also get his pension, car and any other money I don’t know about.
if it had gone to divorce he would have had to declare it. Now it’s jus left in his will,

OP here is where you actually have a leg to stand on. UNTIL and unless you have a financial consent order, you can go after his pension even if the is a decree absolute. Speak to family solicitor

CandidHedgehog · Today 06:23

WilmaandFred · Today 06:17

It’s very much here once he dies with a valid will

It’s not because a spouse can claim on the estate if they aren’t left the amount they would have got on divorce.

The severing of the joint tenancy and/or what is in the will will be overridden by the courts if necessary because they are married. The only way she won’t get anything is if she is much better off than her husband and wouldn’t have got anything from him on divorce either.

Shelby2010 · Today 06:35

And you do win because he’ll be dead, while hopefully you go on to live a long & happy life.

Bringemout · Today 06:46

I have absolutely no idea about any of this but if you owned the house and cleared the mortgage with your inheritance is it worth talking to a solicitor about this? It’s a fucking awful thing to have done to you and your DD, yeah fine give whats in your bank account to your mistress but he bloody well knows the house is more yours than his.

nofacenonamenonumber · Today 06:46

Your partner of 20 years has 2 weeks to live and all you are concerned with is what he does with his money.
You have an opportunity to be better than this

CossyBunt · Today 06:48

I am so sorry OP that you and your daughter are going through this. He sounds fucking awful. I see his cock was still on high alert throughout all this. Last bit to die eh?

You must get legal advice. Even if you don’t inherit, your daughter must, and not some old tart whose been on the scene for 5 mins.

PosiePerkinPootleFlump · Today 07:00

His pension is not covered by his will. He can fill in an ‘expression of wishes’ form but the trustees don’t have to follow it. If you have been married for many years and his mistress has been seeing him for a few months, it is highly unlikely they would award her the pension. But get in touch with them as soon as possible after his death and explain the circumstances- being clear that you are still married to him

TheBlueKoala · Today 07:04

nofacenonamenonumber · Today 06:46

Your partner of 20 years has 2 weeks to live and all you are concerned with is what he does with his money.
You have an opportunity to be better than this

Well he screwed her over big time emotionally and financially so why would she care about him?

Vanillaicelatte · Today 07:09

bebanjo · Yesterday 23:47

Well yes I will ring a solicitor on Monday. But if he has made a will, which I’m sure he has, his done everything else. It’s an inheritance issue. Legally I’ll be his widow and she will get all his assets.

You can definitely split / change the deeds from joint Tennant to -50 -50

my parents did this when doing there wills and setting up a lifetime interest trust

Releasemeplease · Today 07:09

nofacenonamenonumber · Today 06:46

Your partner of 20 years has 2 weeks to live and all you are concerned with is what he does with his money.
You have an opportunity to be better than this

Sorry but just because he has weeks to live doesn't automatically make him a good man. You have no idea how he behaved in their relationship. And his actions in his last months don't paint a good picture of him . OP is right to want to protect her financial situation going forward.

Vanillaicelatte · Today 07:11

CombatBarbie · Today 00:14

So i can just go sever mine without informing my ex or getting him to sign anything??

Yes you can
its very easy to do
and you don’t even legally have to tell the other person you have done it

Somethinggg · Today 07:35

You're going to be in a better position to contest the will married than you would be as an unmarried partner.

ShutupLwren · Today 07:53

I can’t imagine having so little self respect and shame that I’d take money from a new partner that could be used for his wife and child. I knew of a man who married within months of becoming a widower and his new wife inherited everything when he died. His own son got absolutely nothing. She’s dead now and her DD inherited a detached 5 bed house in an affluent area. The poor fella who got nothing lost his family home. His poor mum would have been heartbroken.
We read here constantly women in their long term relationships won’t remarry new partners so their children won’t lose inheritance and yet men, men will rather appease a woman they’ve known 2 weeks and piss all over their previous lives. Really is rotten. @bebanjo I hope you get absolutely everything.

MalteserGeezee · Today 07:53

Unfortunately it's not unusual for people to have massive personality changes when terminally ill, and make catastrophically bad decisions that will cast a long shadow for decades to come. You will be married when he dies, which will absolutely count for something when it comes to discharging his assets. His disregard for his child in these circumstances tells me he isn't thinking straight, any good parent would be expending their last drops of energy to make this death as untraumatising as possible for their kids by getting their financial affairs in order and leaving as much certainty and security as possible so as not to cause additional stress in terrible circumstances.

[Edited for typos]

allthingsinmoderation · Today 07:54

Get legal advice to know how best to proceed,this sounds an unusual set of circumstances.
You must be feeling shocked on many levels.

bozzabollix · Today 07:58

nofacenonamenonumber · Today 06:46

Your partner of 20 years has 2 weeks to live and all you are concerned with is what he does with his money.
You have an opportunity to be better than this

This is the OP’s financial future, he’s completely tried to wreck her, sod him.

bebanjo · Today 07:59

nofacenonamenonumber · Today 06:46

Your partner of 20 years has 2 weeks to live and all you are concerned with is what he does with his money.
You have an opportunity to be better than this

You have no idea what has gone on inthe past 18 months,
i have not seen him or spoken to him since February.

OP posts:
Chanberry · Today 08:03

HE'S, not his.

lazyarse123 · Today 08:05

nofacenonamenonumber · Today 06:46

Your partner of 20 years has 2 weeks to live and all you are concerned with is what he does with his money.
You have an opportunity to be better than this

He had an opportunity to be better than this and chose not to. He's acted appallingly. What exactly is the value in being the better person?

edwinbear · Today 08:07

OP please do take legal advice, but contesting a will, even as a spouse with a long marriage behind you, still makes it difficult, expensive and stressful. My mum spent 2 years contesting dad’s, legal fees ended up at about £50k, and ultimately, the house still had to be sold and half the proceeds given to OW. They did have a large house, so there was sufficient equity for it to be sold and still buy mum her own smaller house, outright.

Dad had left a relatively small sum to DSis and I to discharge his responsibilities to us - although we were older than your DD, in our 30’s with our own husbands, houses and careers so it was practically impossible to claim we were still dependent on him.

The law, only considers the legality of what he’s done, rather than trying to correct his poor moral judgement. Mum’s solicitor acknowledged he’d behaved appallingly, but his will had been correctly drawn up so it had to stand. He too died from cancer, very quickly (he died 2 weeks after being diagnosed with liver cancer) and suffered from depression. He had recently been taken off Prozac and this all happened quite suddenly after that was withdrawn. Mum tried the lack of capacity angle but it’s incredibly difficult to prove.

I’m really not trying to be negative, but as someone who has seen this situation play out first hand, just wanted to say how it worked out for our family. Dad died in 2008 and mum was left reeling for many years, it also affected how Dsis and I remember him. But she is now in her own lovely home, secure financially with his full pension being paid to her. And most importantly, she’s still alive enjoying her children and grandchildren, whilst he’s 6 foot under.

Somethinggg · Today 08:08

bebanjo · Today 07:59

You have no idea what has gone on inthe past 18 months,
i have not seen him or spoken to him since February.

Don't dignify any of that nonsense with a reply OP. You have yours and your daughter's security to think of. Make yourself a checklist.

  • Do nothing at all to cooperate with or speed the divorce up.
  • Pension, as a pp said you can contact the scheme shortly after he dies letting them know you're still married and want to claim.
  • House- sounds like you would own 50% even if he has changed his will and for whatever reason you don't challenge that. So do NOT go anywhere at all. If you end up needing to move and buy somewhere else, there may be a lump sum from the pension coming.
  • Think about speaking to a solicitor for advice on how to challenge the will. As others have said, typically the courts have regarded reasonable provision as what you'd have got in a divorce.
PinkCatCushion · Today 08:11

I thought people could leave their money to whoever they wanted? They can give it all to the Dogs Home if they want surely?