Not wanting my messy hoarder husband to work from home?

[Floogal]

I am not sure this is the right area to post this.
Apart from the everyday mess from DH, he is also a terrible hoarder. So home is as bad as the programs in TV (same excuses and lies from him too). He has recently applied for a job which will allow for more work from home. Quite frankly I am dreading it as it will include more mess (cooking snacks and bedding and paper work scattered around the place). He often makes this kind of mess when he has previously WFH and been ill/had annual leave We both work in stressful jobs btw. Working from home would help his stress and I understand that. He has been supportive when I've gone for jobs so I feel guilty for not being helpful and enthusiastic for him.

I didn't want to go on about how I hate living like this, but another issue that bugs me is that there is virtually no support for families of hoarders. Also from what I've read online, the ball is in their court and everyone else has to wait for the day they are ready.

Do you have a study or a spare room you can make into a study for him, to try to contain all his paperwork etc?

Sort of. It's inaccessible and full of old clutter. Normally he would work in living room or bedroom (when previously WFH during lockdown etc).

You need to make the inaccessible room accessible for him to work in Op (and sounds like it will have to be you doing all the work needed). It's horrible living with a hoarder. My husband has hoarding tendencies. The spare bedroom is full of his stuff. Receipts from the 80s, video cassettes (we no longer have a video machine and haven't forgotten years), letters etc. Books he put on the highest shelves 25 years ago that he hasn't touched since.It is disgusting but at least confined to one room in the main.

Every so often I take a black plastic sack around
the house and put his stuff that he has left around the house in it and place it in his room. I hate it. Old blankets, clothes he just takes off and leaves etc. I shouldn't have to but in reality he won't either.

I'm sorry you have to face this 💐.

I'd only ne able to support this if he could make the inaccessible room accessible, and contain himself there.

I would tell him to make the inaccessible room accessible and use it as an office.

Otherwise I would separate. I just couldn’t live like this, and I am not particularly houseproud.

That sounds tough. Are you able to have a conversation with him about it or does he become defensive?

Could you get him to agree that stuff has to go to make room for working from home? I don't fully get it , l know but my dh would have teddies to hoard but l just clear when his back is turned.
Also our adult children say..we will help you clear and they persuade him..more than me that stuff should go. But l know its not easy

Are you enabling his hoarding in some ways ?

To live with him and put up with it ? Sounds like you need to take action if you want it to change - because he isn’t go to do anything about it that’s for sure .

Sadly OP, as you probably know hoarding is a deep seated version of OCD, often rooted in loss and trauma, and very very difficult to treat. And as you say there is not a lot of support available, even if the person will accept it which of course most won't.

Even if you successfully manage to create a WFH space for him I think your know it won't stay contained, even with a huge amount of mental energy from you and probably a lot of arguing. In addition, clearing that space means the stuff currently in it has to go somewhere and presumably he wouldn't agree to it leaving the house.

I'm sure you care for him but from the sounds of it this could be the straw that broke the camels back for you. It's not fair to you to relieve his stress by increasing your own and don't need to feel guilty about that. You deserve a happy life in a tidy, clean home and shouldn't feel you have to apologise for wanting that.

I had an brother-in-law like this and the marriage eventually broke down as they simply couldn't live like that any more. His relationships with his children were also affected as they wouldn't go to stay with him, only see him in other people's homes or in public. I hated going there with Ex-H and eventually refused and none of his parents or siblings would visit either (or could really - there was virtually nowhere to sit!).

Only you can decide what you can put up with but I think you need to get some counselling for yourself to talk through your feelings, as well as seeking whatever help you can for your DH. My advice would be to think ahead to when you might both be retired and imagine life then. It will be infinitely worse with both of you not leaving the house for work and with DH having even more time on his hands for collecting more stuff.

Apart from the everyday mess from DH, he is also a terrible hoarder. So home is as bad as the programs in TV

How bad though?

Those TV shows range from very cluttered to absolute health and fire hazard.

Either way, if this is how he's forcing you to live, I suspect him WFH isn't going to make such a noticeable difference.

Sounds very difficult. To have a room you can't use! Surely it's such a waste. If he wants to work from home, where does he see that happening from? Honest talk required, what if they want video calls? The room needs to be presentable surely. If not for that, just to work less stress fully. Hoarding is an illness, he needs to treat himself as someone with an illness, and take it from there. you and your house need this from him, for your sanity. Clutter happens, but hoarding is a mental health problem which needs dealing with. Best of luck

My DH struggles to throw anything away. He was brought up in a family who were pretty frugal and would always keep hold of something in case it might have a random use in 10 years time, and he can’t get past that state of mind.

He probably has about 100 CDs. We don’t have a CD player and I don’t recall him ever looking at them, never mind playing one, in the 15 years I have known him. I tried to get him to bin them but he won’t. I even suggested keeping 5 or 10 for sentimental value but that didn’t go down well either.

It’s so hard, I hate having all this random stuff that never gets used or looked at. I am currently working through decluttering lots of the kids old toys and clothes, and hoping some of it might rub off on him.

Every now and again I do throw out or donate some of his stuff that I know he doesn’t even remember he has, and he has never mentioned looking for any of those items I’ve got rid of. Obviously I won’t get rid of anything that I know might mean a lot to him, like his old trophies etc.

Thankfully we recently turned our attic into a proper study/storage area so a lot of stuff is now up there where I’m not tripping over it constantly

'Also from what I've read online, the ball is in their court and everyone else has to wait for the day they are ready.'
I would talk one last time with him and explain he needs to be ready now or face the fact he will be living alone. I never can get my head around families living in squalor because one person wants to live like that!
Personally it's a no from me...I wouldn't live like that for anyone.

Don't you want better for yourself than this?

Surely the answer is, he can only wfh if he cleans out that room first!

OP look up OCD charities they can explain a lot so you get an idea where to start. Extreme hoarding isn’t just being untidy or peculiar - something’s going on and it needs addressing by a professional. It’s not fair for you to have to put up with, but equally it’s not something he can just stop.

My stepdad is a hoarder and it drives my poor mum to distraction. She literally has a corner of the living room she can call her own and the spare room (she moved out of their room because of the clutter). Even the kitchen is barely accessible now. DH and I have tried to help but it goes back to square one in a matter of days. I really feel for you OP.

I could not stand that life and would have to separate. Is living apart but staying together an option?

Do you have children? If so you could look at early help as a way of support as they can come in and get his mental looked at and also work on his routines to help with the hoarding.