Need some advice

[batmata]

I met the most amazing man. Gentle, calm, sweet. My nervous system felt safe around him. After a few months I raised that he wasn’t very affectionate/sexual and I am, and it was making me feel a bit unwanted. I felt like a friend more than a partner. I wanted us to discuss it. He’s never had a relationship before (he’s 35) and is very reserved. He said he didn’t know how to show more affection in a way that felt natural to him.

we ended up agreeing to breakup. The next day I went on holiday with my kids. We didn’t talk for a few days. I realised I missed him and was being stupid, I had the most perfect man and surely love is more important than having more affection? So I messaged him to see if we could talk.

the next couple of weeks was back and forth but we arranged to meet and talk. I found his messages distant and cold but he is very reserved so that’s probably not how he meant to come across. At times I got annoyed and upset and sent long paragraphs like an idiot. He told me he wanted to fix it, that he cared about me etc.

it’s been a month since the initial split. But only a week since we were supposed to meet and talk. we didn’t meet because we ended up almost arguing over how he was coming across as unbothered. He said he felt it was best to end the relationship.

the last week I’ve been trying to fix it, suggesting to meet, explaining how I feel, giving him space, and he has now said he doesn’t think we can pick up where we left off.

theres 100% not another woman, he’s not the type. I’m his first ever girlfriend, the only thing I’m sure of is that there’s no other woman.

this is gonna be the nice guy I should’ve stayed with isn’t it?

he said as time went on he realised it couldn’t be fixed because of the way it was handled, he said he’d handled it badly and regretted it. He knows how hurt I am. The initial problem of affection is pretty much not an issue is it, it’s now how unbothered he comes across.

im heartbroken. His last message was simply “that’s a sweet message. But I don’t think we can pick up where we left off, I’m sorry.”.

ive asked why. He hasn’t replied.

im utterly devastated. If we had actually talked I’m sure it could have been resolved.

im a talker, i will talk and talk until its fixed. He’s more reserved and avoids conflict.

I get anxious with the silence so rush to fill it.

130am and can’t sleep as anxious about what he’ll say next. I told him in my message that I’d missed him etc, I didn’t get any reply to that bit. If he told me his feelings had gone it would hurt but at least I’d know

He was very clear. He hasn't replied further and he isn't going to.

The relationship is over and you need to move on and stop messaging and talking AT him. You aren't compatible. Block him and don't harass him.

Leave him alone.

I’ve put YABU because I think he’s not as nice as you are thinking he is with rose tinted glasses on and the shock of losing companionship and someone to talk to and so I think YABU to regret breaking up with him. He’s as cold in real life as he is coming across in his texts.

If he’s not affectionate / physical enough for you then that’s incompatible - it’s unlikely to get better, if anything worse, so you’ll end up feeling increasingly needy as you get more starved of affection. Presuming you’re a similar age to him, that’s no way to live for the rest of your life.

He has made it clear he doesn’t want to rekindle but that’s a good thing to be honest, the decision is now out of your hands so you must accept it - if you end up getting back together you’ll always be the one doing most of the work and wondering if he really wants to be there. You deserve so much more!

I think he’s been very sensible about it all and the fact that you aren’t compatible.

This is not going to be the nice guy you should have stayed with. You were sexually and physically incompatible. If this was a problem a few months in, rest assured it would have become a major problem as time went on. Ending it was the right thing to do, not convincing yourself that you would be OK not having some core needs met because other parts were nice. You need to move on.

And you need to stop harassing him with messages. He’s told you it’s over and you need to respect that.

By 'fix it', you mean 'change him'.

They always say men meet a woman hoping she won't change, women meet a man hoping she can change him.

This is him and it's not enough for you and that's fine. But he is right to say it's time to move on and time to stop messaging him.

He's just not that into you OP. Move on, leave him alone. Don't harass him any further.

He's made it clear and moved on, is my take.

Take the hint.

No answer IS the answer. If he wanted to talk to you, he would. Learn from this, and move on.

Leave the poor guy alone!!!

Stop harassing the poor man. Move on.

OP, as others have said, Just stop. You sound desperate. You have kids and it's a bit worrying.

He is obviously not the perfect man (for you) and not the nice guy you should have stayed with. He’s now telling you clearly he doesn’t want to be with you and his actions have been suggesting this for sometime.

I’m sorry if you have had some toxic relationships in the past, as your reference to feeling safe suggests. Don’t let that blind you and make you desperate to see something that isn’t there.

Good grief. Leave this poor bloke alone.

He might be a nice guy. But 'the nice guy you should have stayed with'? No.

Move on.

Regret and anxiety over the end of a relationship about which you were initially optimistic is natural.

But I don’t think you have a choice here. He has made it clear the relationship is over. It’s impossible for me to say from your post whether he is the nice guy who got away, or a bit of an arsehole. But what I can say from your post is that it shouldn’t have been that difficult so early on and that you weren’t really compatible.

Please don’t contact him again. Just take some time to heal. I wish you well.

It didn't work out. It's over. Stop hounding him and move on like he's doing.

Hes not your Mr Right.
You aren't compatible.

You need and deserve more.

Sorry op but I agree with the others. He wasn’t meeting your needs so he’s not the perfect guy and he’s told you multiple times that it’s over.
If you carry on trying to pursue him you’ll look a bit unhinged.

Even if you did get back together, the fundamental issue of how he expresses emotion compared to how you want him to is not going to go away.

Find someone else who can match your energy/emotional needs

Move on, for both your sakes

He may be a perfectly decent man, but he has concluded that he does not want a relationship with you. You do come across as very intense in your post and I can understand why he might see this as a red flag early on in a relationship. Please respect his decision and consider if there is anything you can learn from what has happened here.

How can you call him 'the most perfect man'? He didn't show you any affection and didn't want sex with you. How is that perfect?
Also he is 35 and never had a relationship before?
Leave him alone OP, he has made it clear that this is over.

It's not meant to be this difficult. You are not a good match, and it's over.
Move on

If he’s going to give up that quickly then it wasn’t a resilient relationship, and if it didn't end over this, then it would have ended over something else.

Sounds like the guy can’t take feedback, has emotional issues about criticism and fear of rejection, so can’t let himself be vulnerable to that. So one sting and he’s shut the door.

It was inevitable really. His need to protect his own ego was stronger than his feelings for you. And you can’t have a partner that you can’t discuss problems with honestly and have to tread on eggshells around. It’s sad, but it’s his loss. You will find somebody else x He may never be able to.