Weddings in Ireland

[cauliflowercheesey]

Inspired by another thread.

Just wondering what the etiquette is for inviting & accepting wedding invitations in Ireland / Northern Ireland?

My story is that I had an acquaintance from Northern Ireland who invited me to her wedding. I was surprised to receive an invitation because we had only known each other a year and had no mutual friends, but when the hand of friendship is extended I will grasp it, so I accepted the invite, feeling quite flattered that she valued me so highly as a friend.

Anyway, this was all in 2019 and so the Autumn 2020 wedding was sadly cancelled, however the bride never got in touch to tell me that it was cancelled (some were happening outdoors if I recall), I had to text her to ask what was happening. Our contact via WhatsApp fizzled out, she stopped attending the forum where we met, and when she did get married 1 year later, I wasn't invited (photos all over social media).

I felt a bit confused about being invited to her wedding on the one hand, but also being so quickly dropped.

I feel a bit of a mug that I accepted the invitation to begin with, honestly, is there a custom in Ireland that you invite absolutely everybody (as somebody mentioned in another thread) out of courtesy, and perhaps not everyone is actually expected to accept?

It probably sounded a good idea in 2019 but post Covid people’s perspective of things changed. From my understanding / experience Irish weddings are not as big as once was.

Try not to take it to heart.

Irish weddings historically were huge. Like it was ridiculous the amount of people who were invited just because. Covid put huge perspective on it all and people have massively adjusted to smaller weddings.

I wouldn't read much into it. Especially if your friendship fizzled out in the meantime.

I’m surprised that you are confused by this considering the amount of time that has passed and that you have stated you were never that close to the bride anyway.

Irish weddings in Ireland and Irish weddings in Northern Ireland would be different. I have never been to a Northern Irish wedding so no idea what the deal is up there but down this end no we do not just invite absolutely everyone and anyone especially given the cost of a wedding. There is no set rule on how many you can invite however for my own I only had 26 people for the meal and invited other family and close friends for a buffet later on the same day. I would not have dreamed of inviting people I barely knew.

I am surprised she invited you to begin with also to be honest but hey she did, it did not go ahead and maybe covid made her streamline things. I would not be offended by it although I would not have accepted the invitation anyway but then I bloody hate weddings unless they are VERY close friend or family.

NI weddings were huge , everyone and anyone was invited , Ive been invited to weddings because Im a neighbour or because I worked in the bar they drank in

Pre covid

Now weddings are smaller, but can last over 3 days , most at least 2 days

It was one of those situations where at the time, I was wondering what happened and whether I did anything wrong. Obviously Covid is a complicating factor, I just let it go as ‘one of those things’ and hadn’t thought about it in ages until I read on another thread that ‘everyone’ gets invited to Irish weddings. This made me wonder about it again and I thought I would ask (rather than derail the other thread with my question).

I’m sorry if your surprise put you out of sorts on a Monday morning!

Err why would weddings in the north and south be different?? They’re the same (only possible difference being that cash gifts in the south tend to be a bit higher).

Irish weddings that I’ve been to tend to be a 2/3 day event with everyone and anyone they know invited

The short answer is yes. There were 400 people at one family wedding I went too. 250 isn't usually large. 100 is small.
Traditional wedding were big due to big families. Celtic tiger weddings were huge due to most of the country suddenly having money. Weddings seem to be getting smaller though now.
But generally weddings and funerals are bigger in Ireland.

Many, many things are different either side of this island.

Last two weddings I was at over the last two years in fact have been literally just the one day and despite looking like millions were at them it was only close family and friends. I have not been to a three day wedding since my friends one over 10 years ago and even at that I only went to the main day myself.

I’m from Northern Ireland and there was a culture, especially in rural areas, decades ago where everyone in the community would feel ‘invited’. That has not been the case for many many years now though, and the culture is very much in line with the rest of Ireland and UK, in terms of only attending if you have a formal invitation.

In OP’s case, it was a tenuous friendship to start with, it fizzled out during Covid and the bride streamlined the guest list for the rescheduled wedding.

As an aside, funerals in NI are a very different matter. It’s customary for the whole community to attend a funeral: neighbours, former colleagues, vague acquaintances, just about everybody goes to a NI funeral and some of my elderly relatives would still go to a funeral of even a passing acquaintance, for fear of it being noticed if you weren’t there! It always boggles my mind when I read MN threads about people being ‘invited’ to or banned from funerals. That’s unheard of in NI - there are no invitations, anyone who wants to just turns up and no one would be so inhospitable as to stop them.

Yes I find it odd people need invitations to funerals too. They are the one thing absolutely everyone and anyone goes to even if they did not know the deceased.

Perhaps my family just do a bit different then but I remember speaking to someone at my cousin’s the other year and we got into how we know bride/groom and they knew them because they worked in the village shop

Is that rural Ireland?

My read of the situation would be she wanted you there when she invited you but between the impact of Covid - which could have meant she needed to change her plans (eg limits on numbers or maybe she was under financial pressure if she or partner were on furlough etc) plus the friendship fizzling out, she changed the guest list. How comes you’re thinking about it so many years later?

I read all sorts of bullshit on threads, but that doesn't make it true.

Our weddings are no different to anyone else's in that some are small, some are large and some are massive.

I've been to all 3 kinds over a lifetime.

I saw the thread you reference, and I don't agree that just because you're Irish you have a huge wedding. There were 82 people at mine. Everyone there was invited by us. About half relations, half friends. There was nobody invited by our parents, which is what was referenced in the other thread. We weren't going to pay for people we didn't know! My mother tried to say that we needed to invite their best man and his wife, as that's the tradition. But it's not one I've ever heard of and it didn't happen. I've also been to weddings with a dozen at it, and another with 400. It really does vary.

is there a custom in Ireland that you invite absolutely everybody (as somebody mentioned in another thread) out of courtesy, and perhaps not everyone is actually expected to accept?

No, that’s not an Irish custom OP.

Is it possible that the Covid situation affected your friend’s finances and that when the wedding went ahead it was smaller than originally planned?

Also, I think from what you said the wedding went ahead a year later, so in 2021? Covid restrictions were still in place in Ireland for public gatherings then. See for example the link below.
https://onefabday.com/wedding-restrictions-in-ireland-2021/
ETA Sorry, that may not be relevant if it took place in NI though.