To think a lot of people in school mum cliques, are actually thinking, how the fuck do I get out of this ….

[Lastdaysofsummer26]

Because you don’t really know anyone till you give them a chance, then if you realise they are not your cup of tea………. It’s actually not the easiest to get out of !

This is pretty first-world victimhood.

Hard tho to get out when you don’t want to to negatively affect your kids ……

this is why school parent fiends can be tricky
as things that can go on in the adults friendships can affect the children

I don’t know how anyone has the time for these so-called mum cliques. I’m in and out of the playground so fast so I can get to work every day that I barely have time to say hello to anyone!

Just don't do the clique stuff which is doable and carry on with the kids friendships. It doesn't mean the parents all have to be friends too.

Peopel have weekends and evenings and holidays

Think some look at the larger groups and see the photos etc and think oh that looks fun…. Or why aren’t they included

what I’m trying say to those is, often there’s a few few in there not enjoying. Planning how to get out of it, with h th e least impact possible in their children

wisest thing is probably to be friendly
Say hello etc but don’t get too involved

Well I hear lots of people labeling others as being in one but never heard anyone say they are? do they exist or is just in people's heads because they don't have a life outside of school?

No, not me. I have such happy memories of the early years at primary school - going to the park after school, cafés after drop off if not working. All the Mum's nights and the kids parties. They were (and still are) a great bunch. Fun and supportive.

At the end of year 4 I moved abroad and the school set up was very different. No parental contact at all. No school events like summer fetes or Christmas fairs. No one lift shared to activities and collecting kids from playdates was done via a parent texting from the car.

I am part of a group of school mum friends formed when our mostly first-born boys all met in their first year of school.

10 years on our kids are all still friendly but have their own separate groups of friends (many of the kids now attend different schools). But the mums have all stayed close and solid and we have all been an amazing support to each other through some pretty serious ups and downs.

The group was a bit different originally; some drifted off over time (no hard feelings) and a couple have joined. We are probably seen as a clique but I think that would be an extremely shallow interpretation of our friendship.

I can’t understand what would be so hard about gracefully backing away if you aren’t into the group any more.

I was thinking it was nice to have a support network and a bit of social life around working and parenting. Never thought in terms of "cliques".

I hated every minute of ds being at primary school due to the alpha mum's clique at his school. He got a place at a Catholic primary school that we thought was the best school in the area even though we aren't Catholic, from the first day it was obvious that the majority of parents already knew each other either from church or as they were ex pupils of the school. It was very much a closed shop, we were considered outsiders, never spoken to even when we said "Good morning" as we went for drop off in a morning. Within weeks there were dirty looks, I heard bitchy comments & after I had asked one of the mums to control her child after she punched ds in the face I got a phone call off the Head threatening me with being banned from the school site. When the news got around that exh & I had separated they actively all turned their backs whenever I walked in the playground. They made the time we were there a complete misery, it was one of the happiest days of my life when ds left at the end of Y6 & I never had to deal with them again. My advice to any parent going through this is either get there early to be at the front of the queue or get there at the last minute, put earphones on even if you aren't listening to anything to give the impression you don't give a shit & as soon as dc are old enough give them permission to meet you at the car so you don't have to go in at all.

That’s not my experience at any of the three primaries in two countries DS attended. I mean, schoolgate friendships aren’t the mafia.

I have a group of friends, we’ve now been friends for ten years since our kids were in reception. A couple of people drifted away, a couple joined. I’m not in a clique.

Its not victimhood, its just a descriptor of social dynamics the world over.

But in any case, we live in the first world.

Waiting for the first person to call it a click though.

I find it very sad how on mumsnet the social world of primary school families...which ultimately is abour doorstep communities...is just slagged off and derided as cliquey

It just has no bearing on how I jave experienced it. I find there something sad and almost sexist about the whole terminology

Life is and can.be very lonely ..we literally have a crisis of loneliness and poor child mental health. Perhaps we could celebrate community and local friendships rather than mock them ?

Mums at school gates are just hoping to make the odd friend to see them through the primary years

Mine are very grown up now. I dealt with it like I dealt with being at school myself. Give nothing away, say nothing provocative, nod and smile, return teas, identify and avpod the bullies/bitches. We have a couple of close friends from the DC's school days but ot was a slow burn.

DH was very firm about all the fundraisers, etc, don't get involved, the children might fall out, we know nothing about these people and may have nothing in common. He was right.

You have your children attending the same school in common for starters

Yes, but potentially little else. They were acquaintances, not friends. It never failed to amaze me what people disclosed at the gate.

They are just people. You can make new friends in any walk of life.

There are are school parents who have friends from school still or uni or work or hobbies or lots of other places who have interests outside the school so I presume these are the parents who don't notice cliques, and there are there parents whose whole life is home and school, they invest everything they have into whatever they have decided in their head school will be for them

Yes maybe I am wrong but I don't think I am from what I have seen and especially noticed on here, maybe parents who complain about cliques have full lives away from MN so maybe it is just the way they post but it seems to be very one dimensional the way they post

I've read some daft things about "school mum cliques" on this site in my time but this is outstanding. You make it sound as if people are serving 10-15 at Wormwood Scrubs.

In the overwhelming majority of cases these "school mum cliques" exist only in the minds of people with far too much time on their hands who have got the hump because sometime didn't save them a seat at the Christmas concert or invite them for coffee.

Very few people have time to worry about building "cliques" at school, we're too busy worrying about our kids, our jobs and our lives and getting through the day. Some of us, gasp, have pre-existing friendship with mums at school and while that may piss you off, it's a free country.

I've said it before but no one is entitled to make friends with other parents at school: it's not a guaranteed social life on a plate. It's a bonus if it happens, but if you don't make friends it's not some giant conspiracy against you, it's more than likely because people have pre-existing friendships.

Get out and make other friends, find things to distract you, let people get on with their own lives and stop bitching about other parents.

Or is it just people who know each other chatting?

This

What a bleak way of approaching life.

If your DH was firm about then, then of course that is the way to go!

How very sad.