Going back to work full time. Why do I feel so guilty?!

[tabbycat19]

I’m considering going back to work full time after working three days a week for years, and now it might actually happen I’m a bit spooked.

My children are 7 and 9. Before having them I had a successful, fairly big job, but I deliberately stepped right back when they were small. I wanted that time with them, but it also made life much easier as a family because we weren’t juggling two demanding jobs.

I don’t regret it at all, but my career has fitted around everyone else ever since.

My husband was home-based for about eight years and has only recently started going into the office several days a week. He hasn’t really had to worry about how that works because I’m around to keep things ticking over.

I’ve been saying for a while that I want to go back full time. I feel like I need more of an identity outside being a mum. I really light up when I’m working and surrounded by peers, and I actually come home a happier parent for having had that space.

Now a role has come up that I’m genuinely excited about. It’s hybrid but with a substantial commute on office days. Logistically we can make it work between us, with some family help and wraparound care.

But suddenly I feel like I’m the one rocking the boat.

Part of me thinks it’s my turn. I’ve fitted my career around everyone else for years and the children aren’t tiny anymore.

The other part worries I’ll miss being around so much and that our lives will become a constant juggle.

Has anyone gone back full time when their children were around this age? Did it feel like a huge adjustment, and were you glad you did it?

YANBU to want to do this - I am considering doing something similar myself, my kids are same sort of age. Is your employer flexible? How will you manage if they get poorly? Do they do clubs after school? These are the things I am weighing up. Not sure if that's helpful sorry!

I did, it was awful. I went back part time a few years later. I would have done it sooner but there wasn't an option for that in my team.
I was in a different situation to you. My job was very stressful, it didn't light me up, it left me emotionally drained. I wasn't hybrid and I wasn't getting home until around 7pm Monday-Friday. My DH ended up having a MH crisis (not because of my work) My kids did suffer, their mental health really dipped and I wasn't able to support them as well as I wanted.

You can probably apply for the job and then ask to do it four days a week afttt you’ve been offered it

I’m ft, I won’t lie, our family has disintegrated, we’re all exhausted, there’s too much juggling, activities had to be cut because we couldn’t bring them/ stay with them, we don’t always get to sit with them doing homework and the house takes so much cleaning on days off! just this morning I had to practically throw them out of the car so I could get going on time … but the money does change things, the social aspect helps … and you will be hybrid so that’s gotta help!!

Thanks all, really useful to hear the different experiences. Just to clarify a couple of things as I probably wasn’t clear in my OP.
I’ve already applied/interviewed for the role, so this has suddenly gone from a vague “I’d like to go back full time one day” to something that could actually happen, which I think is why I’m spooked!
It would be hybrid, so I wouldn’t be commuting five days a week. We’d also deliberately arrange our office days so DH and I aren’t both out on the same days where possible. We have wraparound care available and some family help too.
DH and I would need to properly share the sick days, clubs, homework, house stuff etc. I definitely don’t envisage going full time while still being the default parent for everything — that would be completely unsustainable.
I also don’t really want to ask to do four days. I’ve worked part time for years and I genuinely want to go back full time and have more of a working life again. I suppose I’m just having that moment of wondering whether the reality will feel very different from the idea of it!
Really appreciate the honest replies though — positive and negative. This is exactly what I wanted to hear

Your post has just reminded me of how stressful weekends were working full time. There was very little down time, it felt like most of it was spent cleaning, shopping, cooking and preparing for the next week. Saturdays were taken up with football in the morning for DS then gymnastics in the afternoon for DD. Trying to squeeze in family visits and play dates. Very little time with my own friends. I felt just as exhausted on Sunday evening as I did on Friday.

Please please please do this without regret or guilt. Yes it will be tiring, lots of juggling, life will be chaotic (recommend though getting a cleaner if you can!). But:

Your children will see you as a role model in go out to work, having a career and succeeding. They will see their parents as equals.

You will have something outside motherhood , so once the kids grow up and don't need you so much you have other things that define you.. colleagues that value you for you. Does so much for you confidence once you hit your 50s . And the kids will grow up so quickly and be leaving home before you know it.

And finally your financial independence. Knowing that whatever happens you would be able to cope financially.

I'm mid 50s with young adult kids and used to resent working but I am so glad now. I have friends going through separations who are so annoyed they gave up careers to look after kids and lost financial independence. I've got friends struggling with confidence now kids have left home and they don't have jobs they enjoy to give them focus. Friends who have rich husbands so they gave up work and their husbands have turned into middle age clichés and left them for someone younger. Strangely enough it is my friends who always worked and were knackered and stressed when kids were younger who are happiest now.

What I'm trying to say is yes, you do need to put yourself first now. I do have a very family friendly employer and amazing manager which does help in times of crises though. Will your employer be like this?

A pal of mine has done this. They’ve had to get a cleaner weekly, and a childminder/nanny to come to the house and do all the drop offs and pickups and afterschool care. She’s enjoying being at her career I think.

You're not unreasonable, it's normal to want to be with your kids and involved, but bills are real, and sadly many of us don't get the time we'd like with our families. Doesn't make us bad people.

I went back full time in June OP, after a 12 month period of being unemployed due to redundancy. I know the circumstances are slightly different to yours but I felt the same - guilty, daunted, wracked with dread & worry about how it was all going to work…but it does and I love having a sense of achievement and identity again. Like some PP’s have said, weekends are busier, everything is a bit more hectic and the house has definitely taken a battering but it’s so nice to have a sense of purpose again, I wouldn’t change it one bit. Good luck and don’t worry

Edit for being unhelpful

Just here to say well done you and offer support as a mum
who always worked full time (employers wouldn’t let me do part time.) How wonderful that you were able to be there for your children when young. Definitely your time now, good luck with everything. Hubs won’t know what’s hit him though when he’s suddenly got to do 50 percent of the cooking/shopping/admin etc. Make sure school have him down as a contact!!

If you are hybrid it will probably be okay. I worked full time for three years from when my youngest was 6-9 yrs old, all office based and it worked well because I had a early finish time of 4pm, so by the time I got back home the kids had only been home for an hour and i could spend time with them. I then negotiated a condensed work day so I could do drop off and a 4 day week. My husband was fully remote however so that helped hugely. I was tired yes, but if you work a role part time you are often just doing a full time role in part time hours which leads to burnout. I think FT is better.

Listen to this lady OP

This 100x! From one who didn’t and regrets it for all these reasons. And your children will be fine, better than fine for having a good role model plus financial security, and perfectly emotionally secure too. You will be tired (especially at first) but you will not be supplanted in your children’s hearts by hiring help btw. Do it. Anyway if you try it for a year or two and it really doesn’t work you can just quit again, but if you don’t take this chance it might never come again

I will add my voice to this. I feel exactly the same, and I only went up to FT when my children were teens two years ago. I sometimes regret giving up my 4 day week, everything else is so much harder now. However I have a senior professional job which I genuinely like and commute an hour each way to the city 3 days a week, often work evenings. I have had more sick days since going to FT because I can’t cope as well and I’m getting sick more often. I am a high earner though and I do think it’s important as women to earn as much as we can while we still can.

my DC are mid teens now and still as demanding, sporty, need lifts everywhere etc. life is v busy. I upped my cleaner to twice a week and my DH does most of the cooking.

I did it for a short spell but it broke me. Just trying to fit in dentist, medical, opticians appointments for 3 of us. Arranging to get cars MOTd and all the other life admin. Could not just fit it all in on a weekend and I missed not being around for some school/sports events.

You have to be logical. If u are no longer there to do the things u used to, they either need to be stopped, outsourced or done at another time. It is not something for you to sort by yourself either. U and ur husband need to sit down beforehand and discuss this. Perhaps it's his turn to work less outside the home and more at home?

I’ve recently gone to FT from PT and it’s worked well so far. We manage with wrap around care/after-school nanny and organising our WFH days around each other as my/DH’s commute is 90mins.

No family help close by but equally only one DD age 6, and no medical or SEN complexities which would require additional organisation & juggling which I’m aware might change the balance. I commute by train so that’s my admin/online grocery shopping time.

I’m much more mentally comfortable with working full time, it’s felt quite liberating “going back”. Plus in 5 years, AI will probably have swallowed up my job so I need to be adding as much as I can to my pension which I can.