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AIBU?

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AIBU to feel exhausted by arguments over our children and birthdays?

21 replies

Cherrytree696 · 10/09/2026 13:40

I wrote a post about a birthday present however reading the comments I realise I've asked the wrong question.

My mother in law and her son (my husband) fight all the time. He takes his job as a parent very seriously and he can be fairly strict although so can I about our children.

My mother in law seems to always want it her way when it comes to our children and I find the constant arguments between them exhausting. My father in law occasionally chimes in to agree with my mother in law but I would never chime in unless it was actually an important conversation/argument. It probably started when we got engaged and I did agree to things I didn't want to keep the peace which just caused arguments between me and my husband but now it's our kids that the arguments are about.

The current argument is over whether our eldest child should get a gift at our youngest child's first birthday or not.

I find the family dynamic exhausting and I genuinely don't remember it being like this before we got engaged.

It feels like a tug of war/power struggle between the two.

Is this normal? Am I being unreasonable to find it exhausting?

OP posts:
BunkBedsArePeopleShelves · 10/09/2026 13:42

Leave them to it, it's not your problem.

Cherrytree696 · 10/09/2026 13:43

BunkBedsArePeopleShelves · 10/09/2026 13:42

Leave them to it, it's not your problem.

I do. It just creates an atmosphere. I don't understand it at all.

OP posts:
Stablegeniuspig · 10/09/2026 13:44

It’s not really about the present is it. It’s about the relationship between the three of you.

Cherrytree696 · 10/09/2026 13:45

Stablegeniuspig · 10/09/2026 13:44

It’s not really about the present is it. It’s about the relationship between the three of you.

No exactly. After the birthday it will be another problem.

OP posts:
Fhipiddf · 10/09/2026 13:48

You’re going to have to have boundaries as there’s clearly an underlying issue in their relationship; I’d tell them to consider family therapy or don’t include you in these arguments or even talk to you about them. It does sound exhausting

BigWig78 · 10/09/2026 13:51

Your mother in law has raised her child. She needs to back off and let her son raise his. Back your husband up even when you don’t agree with him, shut the mother in law out and stop involving her with your plans. It sounds like your H over involves them
in the first place and then gets annoyed when she has her say. But he can stop by cutting down the communication regarding your family unit and their activities.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/09/2026 13:52

I agree that’s it’s awful when other people are having a power struggle around you. I think it’s very selfish! People putting their urge to “win” above others’ peace of mind and the general atmosphere.

I don’t have any suggestions but it sounds exhausting to live with.

It makes me cross when my children do it!

MellowSubmarine · 10/09/2026 13:54

I think if there are constant arguments, I can see why your DH feels the need to “hold the line” as such over things that others may view as a bit more trivial. Your MIL wants her own way all the time when it comes to your children? That’s completely unreasonable and I can see why it then makes your DH push back on everything.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/09/2026 13:55

Who are the parents ?

You and dh

tell mil to butt out

and fwiw

no NEVER give a prevent to the child whose birthday it isn’t

they have their birthday

they do not need presents on their siblings birthday

Easilyforgotten · 10/09/2026 14:03

I'm not sure which side of this particular argument you are on, but if they insist on doing something you've said no to, can you just run interference so it doesn't actually happen?
I suppose it would depend on the ages of the children, if they'd know about it, and how much disappointment it would cause them, but if they are routinely wasting money on things might that get the message across?

Millytante · 10/09/2026 14:21

Can you sketch a bit about the other arguments? Are they about the broader, general way your family operates, or specifics eg baptising a baby/ sending child to RC/CofE school type of thing?

Arguments about religion in a child’s life are pretty normal, if infuriating, but they usually subside pretty quickly when a parental fait accompli is presented.
However, beyond that you're entering much more extreme intrusion, and it should be resisted with force immediately.
You say in your previous post that (regarding the second birthday present) you aren't fussed either way, but I think you need to get your armour on and prepare to fight. Be emphatic, and take a stand!

Your in laws have no right to be such a heavy presence in what you and your husband are doing or planning. (Or any presence at all, come to that)
You say you don’t understand it, that it creates an atmosphere, and so on.
Well speak up, and support your husband when he’s trying to fend off MIL!
You gave in to her before your marriage on matters you haven’t detailed, and maybe MIL has ever since regarded you as ‘dealt with’ (and with good reason)
If you presented a more united front to her interference, she might withdraw.
As it is, she’s reading it all very differently, perhaps thinking she has the extra power and entitlement because she counts you as a silent ally.
Which you are, in practice, when you do not oppose her.

Until you find your voice and ensure MIL is faced with a solid block consisting of both you and DH, she’s going to regard your marriage and household as wide open to her influence, and carry on barging in with diktats.

She is relishing bossing her son about for myriad reasons, but you have the power to stop it, if only you would exert it.
Stand up for him, and to her. If it comes to it, decide with him that contact must needs be limited.
But for God’s sake, you and he have to do whatever it takes to ram home to MIL that you two are the only unit, the sole entity which decides about your children in every matter, not she. So she can rage and rant all she likes but her insistence will carry no weight, thank you very much.

Talk to DH and tell him you will not only stand by him in the face of her intrusion from now on, but you’ll endeavour to even do it yourself.
If necessary remind yourself that she, like any grandparent, has no rights in your little family. (Well, we exclude very extreme circs)
Assuming you have not withheld info about childminding, or any other dependencies on MIL, I think a course of shock treatment when she attempts her usual force is a good prescription.

Lmnop22 · 10/09/2026 16:10

Cherrytree696 · 10/09/2026 13:43

I do. It just creates an atmosphere. I don't understand it at all.

Do you live with them or something? Not sure why you’re exposed to their arguments so much

TinytToddler · 10/09/2026 16:13

Surely you side and stick with DG unless he’s doing something dangerous? Standing up to his parents is hard. Maybe suggest cutting some distance?

Pumpkin791 · 10/09/2026 16:16

Just been reading another thread about another controlling MIL.

What is with these MILs?! Is it a generational thing, or to do with them all taking early retirement / not having worked? Someone give them a bloody job, or something to keep them occupied and too busy to keep meddling with things that don’t concern them…

CreativeGreen · 10/09/2026 16:16

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/09/2026 13:55

Who are the parents ?

You and dh

tell mil to butt out

and fwiw

no NEVER give a prevent to the child whose birthday it isn’t

they have their birthday

they do not need presents on their siblings birthday

Both mine always got something little on their sibling's birthday - probably started to distract the older one a bit on baby's first birthday, then became a sweet long-standing family joke - now, joking, in their 20s they'll still say 'ummmm, where's my it's-not-your-birthday present?' Totally harmless, not a problem, and a perfectly ok thing to do as a family tradition if you want to. (They love each other very much and are both kind, generous, unselfish individuals)

MageKing · 10/09/2026 16:18

While I agree with your husband's views on birthday presents, I also don't think this is one to fight about. Why is he so dogmatic? If, as parents, you expect everyone else to do eerything the same as you in order ot teach your children certain lessons, you're just going to be unhappy.

And I would guess this is happening in lots of ways. It's really important to pick your battles and if your DH and MIL are both determined to always be right, every time, it's going to get ridiculous.

BendingSpoons · 10/09/2026 16:21

My PILs can be difficult. In the past FIL would have a go at DH about something ridiculous and DH would spend ages trying to talk to him, plead his case etc and it would create an atmosphere. Eventually DH reached the point where he doesn't engage. He either ignores FILs rants or briefly calls him out on it. It has made such a difference.

If you broadly agree with your DH, I would talk to him about how together you can put up a united front to MIL and if she doesn't agree, you pull back. For example if she doesn't agree on the present issue, she doesn't visit on the birthday. Of course you may not always agree with your DH and you may challenge his decisions privately. If your DH struggles to manage this without getting upset, talk together about what he needs to help manage his (understandable) frustration.

Trallers · 10/09/2026 16:28

Let me guess - Mil is endlessly overbearing and won't be told. DH understandably has certain ways he thinks things should be now its his kids and there are clashes. But he also finds her very triggering so gets wound up and stressed by her, rather than just calmly stating how things will be and following through. And she takes his proclamations of what will happen re the kids as things that its ok to push back on and criticise, and she has no respect for him. So they're stuck in an endless loop.

I would say this is very fixable. There's a much worse dynamic thats quite common where the man has no idea how to stand up to his mum so doesn't, effectively throwing his wife (and possibly kids) under the bus. In your case he needs help deciding clearly (not emotionally in reponse to things getting stirred up) where his boundaries are and how to enforce them effectively so he doesn't get caught up in arguments. Also picking his battles and understanding why he finds her so triggering in the first place. Things like the grey rock technique might be helpful. I also agree with the previous poster who talked about backing him up a bit more - you do need to work as a team to deal with any big challenge in a marriage.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/09/2026 16:30

"My mother in law seems to always want it her way when it comes to our children"

And there is the problem, in a nutshell. She wants it her way. She wants to steamroller everyone into giving her her way.

SHE IS IN THE WRONG. She is the grandmother, not the parent, and she needs to back off. You should back your husband on this and tell her to back off, because you are the mother and father, and she is ONLY the grandmother. She doesn't get to make ANY decisions regarding your children. Not a one!

"It probably started when we got engaged and I did agree to things I didn't want to keep the peace which just caused arguments between me and my husband"
So you have been laying down in front of the steamroller from Day One. You need to give up the idea that doing things you don't want ot do 'to keep the peace' does not ever keep the actual peace. It just emboldens the steamroller to rev up their engines even more. Give your head a wobble here!

So, stand with your husband and present a united front to your MIL. Tell her she has no say in the matter and if she doesn't like it the door is that-a-way. Tell her you are exhausted with the arguments so from this day forward there will be no arguments because IT'S NOT HER CALL so would she please stop. All decisions regarding your children are a matter for you and your husband ONLY.

Quitelikeit · 10/09/2026 16:36

It’s a nice gesture to get a sibling something on their siblings birthday- total non issue! Seriously

whippersnapper55 · 10/09/2026 22:57

It sounds like your DH and MIL are both as bad as each other! You won't change the family dynamics, the best thing you can do is not get involved and stay out of it as much as possible. If DH tries to pull you into it, tell him you're sick of the constant arguments and you're not getting involved!

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