Would you stop staying with DH’s family after this?”

[grandiflora1]

DH has bipolar and has been seriously unwell several times over the years. He has a large family but when things get bad they tend to back away and I’m left dealing with it.
A severe psychotic episode a few years ago resulted in a criminal trial this summer. He was found not criminally responsible. It was very public, has had a huge financial impact and may ultimately cost him his career.
His family offered to attend the trial but DH told them not to. I know that was his decision, but ultimately it was just the two of us in court. It was incredibly lonely and I think I’m still hurt that nobody came anyway.
We recently travelled for DH father anniversary church service who died last year and had to stay over because of the distance. There were loads of his family there and everyone seemed quite distant. SIL didn’t even get up to greet us. Our 14yo finds her older cousins difficult to engage with and feels she has to make the effort. Our 9yo gets on well with the one cousin close to his age but otherwise there isn’t much interaction.
I chatted and was civil but didn’t want to sit around for hours when it felt so awkward. I eventually went to bed with the kids rather than stay up with everyone else. DH accused me and DD afterwards of “disappearing” and not making enough effort. He seems to notice everything we do but is blind to any lack of effort from his family.
His mother is actually fine when we visit her on her own. It’s a much more positive experience. The whole dynamic changes when his two sisters, their partners and grown-up children are there. MIL becomes completely focused on her daughters and their families and it’s like she can’t see anyone else.
I’ve come away from this thinking I genuinely never want to stay there again. I’m happy for DH to see his family and I’d visit his mother, particularly when it’s just her, but I don’t want to put myself or the kids through another big family stay like this.
Am I being unreasonable? Would you stop staying there

Your experience with your husband and his family sounds very difficult which is made worse by his response to you. There is a huge elephant in the room which needs addressing and that is his diagnosis, the trial, the impact on you and your family which it seems you are expected to carry alone.
Are his family transferring their embarrassment and anger at their son and brother to you as they cannot accept what he has done yet want to maintain a relationship with him?

What is your relationship with your husband like, does he accept what you and your children have been through? Time for him to listen to some home truths. You have been left to bear the burden and the pain of what you have all been through. His family it seems, were glad to absent themselves from the trial yet still want to play happy families with him.
You need to protect you and your children. Your MIL is also part of the problem. She ignored you and the children when the rest of the family were there, endorsing and colluding with their behaviour. I would withdraw from them all and certainly would not be subjecting my children to their carry on.
You need to have a serious discussion with your husband. How can he blame you and by extension your children for the conduct of his family who should know better.

he has the audacity to put you through a trial and then turn around and tell you that you are problem? I would not want to live my life that way

You don't say what the criminal trial was about, but you don't acknowledge how difficult it must have been for DH's family. I have a family member with bipolar and, as you know yourself, it is hell for the family- ALL the family. It must be very, very hard for his sisters to see the impact this has had on your children.
This is not to excuse their lack of effort with you, but it does explain why being in his company must be horrible for them.

I'm not sure ANYONE is being unreasonable here. It's an incredibly difficult situation for all. Is your DH still unwell or stable? If the latter he does need to be reminded it's not ALL on you as his wife.

Why is everyone affected by DHs behaviour?

Every problem you’ve described is because of your DH.

Its not his family that’s the problem - it’s him.

Not many people can happily sit and chat to someone who has committed a crime and it’s awkward to know what to say - they were also grieving/sad!

I hope he isn’t still living in the family home if there are kids there?
That is not a healthy environment.

Your husband should be damn grateful that you are still with him.

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable. Presumably DHs family have had to deal with his bi-polar for years, which is hard, it doesn't get easier just because you're family. My ex SiL has bi-polar, her sister reached a point where she just couldn't deal with it anymore. She had grown up with the turmoil and drama and was drained. However it sounds like DH can do more to help himself, maybe that's what they are finding difficult. The trial might have caused them to distance themselves from him / his family, which may or may not be understandable, epending on the offence.

This is a DH problem not an in-law problem.

Why have you stayed in this marriage?

I think this is really complex and not as easy as 'LTB'. He would still be your kids' father. Presumably you love him.

I don't think it's unusual to feel like this at any in-law gathering. I certainly do. Families are complicated. In your case I think I would actually do the opposite of what you're suggesting and try and work on your own relationship with DH's family - as separate from the inter-family relationship - because that might mean more help for you next time, or at least that you can TALK to them about it. It might also make the communal gatherings feel more inclusive.

Obviously if you want to LTB, LTB. But it is rarely that simple and certainly not when children and mental illness are involved.

this. At the end of the day you chose to be with him, make a life with him, have kids with him, and stay with him despite everything - I'm not judging you, just making a statement of fact that they didn't get that choice - they grew up with him and couldn't leave even at his worst growing up.

I completely agree with @Yytrtt - why is it all on you to solve everything? He created the issue, it's his problem. Personally I'm really struggling to see WHY you are sticking by him, given it seems to bring you nothing but negatives, but again that's your choice. I think letting him sort all contact with his family while you take a back seat is fine going forward.

Did you expect family to turn up to court despite your DH telling them not to? I can understand that this may have made you feel isolated but they were respecting his choices. I also imagine it must be awkward for everyone at family occasions, trying not to dwell on your DH's illness and behaviours

Your DH may be unwell but your biggest problem is him and that's something you need to think about. Not having that family support is all on him. If he pushes people out when they want to be there to support then the distance afterwards isn't surprising.

You are not wrong to feel how you do but you need to recognise the root cause is your DH, not his family. You can rightfully choose not to stay with his family because it makes you uncomfortable but what are you going to do about him.

Depends really, what was the trial about? Why did DH reject his family coming to the trial? You can’t expect them to come anyway when he has told them not to. What’s DHs relationship like with his family other than his Mum? How much effort does he make?
I’d say suck it up for a couple of visits a year but your DH needs to make an effort too, and you both need to realise people may feel uncomfortable with what he has done while still understanding he was unwell at the time

I think the problem here is your DH, not his family. Although I understand your hurt and frustration of course. How dare he turn on you when you've stood by him through thick and thin (and much worse). You clearly need support in all of this and you obviously aren't getting any, least of all from him.

As others have said, you are pushing the blame for things on to others (your in-laws) rather than acknowledging where the real problem lies. It’s often far easier to do that but it doesn’t ever help.
Of course putting the blame for everything on your husband probably feels unfair, he has an illness, but it doesn’t mean that shifting the blame onto others will help or is right.
You, quite rightly, felt and still feel completely isolated in dealing with the awful things that have happened. But that’s on your husband. He set that up. He told them not to come to the trial and, I suspect, hasn’t engaged with you or his family properly about it. You feel isolated and they will feel completely shut out. That’s shit for everyone. It seems that your husband has managed the process and the issue by focusing wholly on himself and pushing everyone away and refusing to understand that they too are hugely impacted by this. He then gets angry when the repercussions of his decisions and actions impact him.
Of course, being ill can often bring out one’s selfishness and can force everyone else to tiptoe around them. But the way to manage that is to have conversations and highlight the impact of things.
Of course you want to look after him and protect him, but you also need to look after your and your children and understand that your in-laws will be doing the same.
My brother was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. He battled it brilliantly but he also managed to isolate and damage all those that loved him. He refused to allow his partner or (adult) children to attend appointments with him - even though having someone there with you is recommended (in part so someone else is also taking in the information). He ‘didn’t want to have to cope with other people being emotional’. He then - of course! - misremembered or missed some of the important information. He also refused to talk about it and how he was feeling. Shutting everyone down when they tried to raise it. But would then bring up his cancer and ‘imminent death’, at other times. So you could not ask how he was and expect a response, but when, for instance, his wife started discussing a trip to Vienna that she was organising (because he said he’d always wanted to go and had asked to visit), he’d spoil it by interrupting and saying that he’d probably be dead by then. Same when people talked of pregnancies and weddings and such. He would also complain to others that none of his family ever asked him about the cancer! Now of course it was his way of dealing with it. But it was at the expense (and actually at times, very much attacking) his loved ones. He made everyone feel completely isolated and helpless and also guilty. It nearly cost him his marriage in the end.
You need to step back and realise that your husband’s family are probably in a very similar place to you at the moment, and, rather than allowing your husband to continue to split everyone and isolate them and make them feel responsible for him feeling shit, talk to him about what he is doing.

And just to add to my point above.

You resent his family for not coming to the trial - even though your DH told them not too - but they may well resent you because he did let you go. I suspect you are all blaming and resenting each other for things your husband created. Talk to them!

Your dh said not to so i would go with that

Hi thanks to all for replies. His family have historically been very avoidant in relation to his diagnosis- when’s he’s been sick in the past I reached out but they would minimise/avoid etc . He himself only accepted it after last episode. He caused damage in a hotel as he was psychotic- had to pay for damages as well as face charges and subsequent trial. He of course was very shameful around the trial that’s why he told them not to come.. they however were happy to be off the hook.. relieved not to have to deal with it. His barrister also asked if his family would attend. In my opinion some or one or two of them should have shown up regardless of his wishes to show their support.. they just didn’t want to go near it.. in any sense.. I get it to a degree but it still hurts even though DH has moved on.. what gets me is there is an attitude with DH and them of its done move on.. I just can’t do the dance anymore. I hate being around them. They are a cliquey bunch anyway. What hurts/annoys me is that DH is running in front of them - don’t upset them attitude..

You don’t get to go against his wishes with regards to how he deals with his family.

It sounds like this latest episode could well be the final straw for you. If you’re not happy then you can and should walk away.

You have explained his family and their responses further but it was obvious from your OP this was how they choose to behave. Both you and your children were made to feel uncomfortable, that is on them. He is their son, brother and uncle. I agree the family should have shown more support to you and your children during what was and continues to be a difficult time. He may have told them not to attend court but if it was my son or brother I would have supported his wife and children. Your MIL has a key role in this. She seems to be ok with you when she is on her own and it is safe. However when her support is needed when you are amongst others, she ignores you. That is not good for you or your children.
Moving on like they have is not an easy option for your family unit as you are still dealing with the consequences of your husband's actions.
I agree that your husband is largely responsible and needs to take responsibility for his major role in all of this. His family are not dealing with him any differently, therefore there is no accountability or consequences. He can behave as he always did with them while you and your children are 'punished' for being a reminder of just how bad things were.
You need to start prioritising you and your children. Start by making a GP appointment and explore your options including counselling. Look at what other support services are available in your locality and begin to take control. Good luck.