Help! Have you ever stepped back from a good friend because of the person they are in a relationship / marriage with?

[Hmmunsure]

Have you and did you have any regrets? Why did you decide to step back?

My friend has been in my life since secondary school. We are very close. She met a guy about 2 years ago and at first he sounded like everything she wanted but as the relationship quickly progressed, cracks started to show. They now have a 10 month old DS. He is emotionally and financially abusive, he claims she is emotionally abusive too and I have seen signs that she is as well (perhaps because he is to her? but of course either way it’s not right)
They argue every day. She is upset with him at least twice a week and constantly breaks up with him.

Because we are close, we spend a lot of time talking about him. I’ve given her the same advice constantly, she doesn’t ever leave. We think he may have cheated on her, told her he doesn’t love her, is nasty about her, never ever supports her, she does all the child care and she still won’t leave. She hasn’t been happy with him for about 18 months, so most of their relationship.

The last couple of months have been the hardest and she has gone missing due to mental health a few times.

The thing is, I’m a mum to 3 young kids. One being a tiny newborn and I’m struggling constantly with going around in circles her. I’m getting resentful that she doesn’t leave him and keeps going back to him. Then a few days later she’s on the phone to me for the whole day about him. I’ve got things going in my own life at the moment of course it’s hectic.

I am probably her closest friend and she is to me, neither of us have huge circles so that’s why she comes to me a lot. She asks me how I’m doing too and we do talk about me sometimes, but it always goes back to her.

I’m starting to wonder if she goes back to him again, I may have to tell her I can’t help anymore and pull away.

Just to add we’re all in mid 30’s and they are engaged.

Step back, way back from this drama. Look after yourself and your family,

Yes, even had the line ''you're just jealous"' (what? of a moron?) so I ended up leaving them to it, they don't want to listen to anyone it is up to them there is only so much others can put up with constantly

and the ''just be there for them'' is all well and good for people to say but one sided friendships get tiring

Yes, while making it clear you’re there for her in need, but that you’re not prepared for your friendship to revolve around her relationship with an abusive man.

Oof I think whatever you do you will have regrets but you may not have a choice. This situation sounds highly toxic and draining and with three kids including a newborn you have to protect your energy and emotional resources. She's going to keep playing this loop out until she's ready to let it go. I think if you tell her you'll be there for her when she's ready to move forward, but for now you need to step back, that's really all you can do. Good luck

Yes I’m going though this at the moment. Friend treated horribly by her BF. Would moan and cry to me constantly. I’d have to go and console her deal with phone calls at stupid o’clock. I’d give advice try and help and she wouldn’t listen. Her behaviour then started to change and her priority became this man even over her own kids. She’d end it and then go back. I couldn’t do it anymore it was affecting my Mh. She stopped being a friend she didn’t care how I was.

Step away. And please don't feel bad about it.

I can't imagine expecting a friend to listen to me going on and on about my life, whatever is going on, it's very selfish of her!

She sounds like a rubbish friend.

Yes i had a friend like that. I think her biggest problem was a range of people willing to placate and soothe and bail her out every time a poor decision was made. She also only contacted me with an issue, and of course normal common sense advice never applied because her situation in her view was 'unique'.

This situation is really common. I would reduce your contact time or perhaps grey rock her.

Yes I have zero respect for anyone who puts partner before kids, and no not in a let kids get away with bad behaviour because kids come first always and new partners can be treated badly by the kids just because they are kids

there is a difference in what is normal within children and adult relationships and a disaster waiting to happen

blended families work for the adults not the children though

I wonder sometimes if me continuing to be there for her doesn’t help in the long run, if that makes sense?

That makes sense and it doesn’t help. They will constantly continue to make bad decisions blow up their lives because they have us enabling them. As we will keep rushing to pick up the pieces. I stopped and don’t regret it for one minute. My life is lighter

Who looked after her son went her mental health issues caused her to go missing a few times? If she is leaving him with this guy who hasn’t been involved with any child care so has no experience, isn’t that a safeguarding problem that should be reported to social services? Is she getting any help with her MH? It must be quite severe for her to go missing. There’s nothing you can do to help her other than to call social services and perhaps her GP just to inform them that both her and her son are at risk. Then give yourself the space you need for your own wellbeing.

You can’t continue to be a lifeboat for someone who keeps jumping out.

If she’d really that good a friend, I can see myself saying “mate, either shit or get off the pot because you’re wearing out your welcome in my headspace”.

Be there for her but perhaps not as much.

I stepped back because having the same conversation got us nowhere, she was hell bent that he was a good guy underneath but he kept proving her wrong. Then he had an affair and she couldn't get rid of him quick enough but by then it was too late for our friendship.

It does. I think certainly in my case she was coming to me to test / validate that things could continue as they were. If that makes sense.

I think if she still asks about you and doesn’t make it 100% about how you can be there for her then there is a chance.
i think I would do a combination of seeing her less / being less available combined with saying, when you do catchup, that you have said all you are going to say about her DP, you have told her to leave him, she chooses not to so you really don’t want to hear about his latest behaviour and can the two of you talk of other things please.