Worrying I am becoming miserable and always negative

[ToddlerFun1234]

I'm turning into a miserable person and I need advice. I have a 2 year old, I work full time in a stresful role and am the breadwinner, and I also have chronic condition which causes some level of pain 24/7.

My mum was/is always so negative and grumpy. I hated that. But I'm turning into her.

I really, really want to learn to enjoy the small things. How??? My brain won't turn off, all I see is the never ending work (whether professional work or household stuff) waiting for me at any given time. If I'm at the park, all I can think is the dishes i didn't do. If I'm sitting down, I'm thinking of the physio i still need to do. Etc etc.

DP is fine. He does more than some shit dads but he does not take 50% of the load on and that's a battle I have lost. I've decided I'd be worse off as a single parent (not financially, I am by far the higher earner) so I don't want to split. I only mention it as there's no point asking what DP can do for me.

Genuinely, I want to be happy. Financially, we are fine. DS is healthy and happy. This is a mindset issue, mostly.

My chronic condition does affect sleep so on top of a non-sleeping toddler (he usually does sleep well but he's sick), I generally never get a good night sleep anyway. So that does contribute to things. On the odd night that I get sleep, I am a slightly nicer person.

https://www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/what-are-glimmers/

Could you afford a cleaner to remove the household chores from your ‘to-do’ list? I find outsourcing the ironing a godsend too.

Go to bed when your son does too. Yes, it’s early but you need sleep to function properly.

I actually had a 'conversation' with Google AI the other day about never being able to relax-as soon as I start one thing,, I'm stress about what I should be doing next, even when trying to relax and watch a tv programme! It told me this was 'task-urgency friction, your brain has tagged your to-do list as an open loop, which creates a low-grade background pulse of stress telling you to "complete and proceed.' If you Googlle this it gives some pointers on how to overcome it. However, I'm not surprised you are stressed with all you have going on! I'm so sorry about your sleep, as a insomniac I can understand. I'm also very sorry about your pain/discomfort. I imagine you've tried all the avenues, tens machine, massage, accupuncture, medication, etc?

I second this!!

My now 2.5 yr old was a terrible terrible sleeper. I ALWAYS went to bed within 30/40 minutes of him at most. I would do 3 things in that 30 mins: leave out his & my clothes for the following morning, pop the dishwasher & washing machine on timer so they would go on early morning and be done when I got up, showered. My DH had his jobs too: wipe down kitchen surfaces, tidy away toys and walk / feed the dog. But I was always in bed as soon as possible... even if I didn't sleep, my body needed the rest. We now also have a small baby and we still stick to this routine.

As the previous posters have suggested - see what you can outsource. Cleaning? Dog walking? Laundry services? Consider what you can do with the time that someone else is doing your chores - spend time with the family? Relax? Do other chores? You aren't just getting a clean house by outsourcing, you are getting time!! Mentally that's a big thing to get back.

Also I know you say don't mention your DP but do you both get some child-free time? Lately we have been taking it in turns to take out 2.5yr old to an activity at the weekends and it gives the other 1.5hrs break to so whatever we want with zero guilt because we know that the other parent is getting an equal opportunity.

No advice because I’m in a similar situation so just a wave of acknowledgment!! I too am turning into a grumpy old woman who’s perpetually wiped out and on the edge!

It's great that you recognise your negative tendencies and actually want to change your mindset OP. I think happiness is well within your grasp.

I got sober some years ago - that was my motivation to start actively practicing gratitude. It's not typically something we're brought up to even consider in the UK, so it might sound crackpot to others, but it works for me.

Also, I decided to accept that I'm not perfect, life's not perfect, I can only do what I can manage, and I've no control over the crap that life and the universe will undoubtedly throw my way.

Sorry if that sounds simplistic or woowoo.

There's nothing wrong with being negative if it's something to be negative about - real problems in the world today. But that's different from being stressed and angry.

Here are the questions that occur to me
1)Couldn't half of the night-time toddler duties, at least, be split with your husband?
2)If he hasn't been willing to take on 50%, instead of giving up, could you try talking it out with a counselor?
3)If you're the breadwinner, could you allocate a bit of money on someone to help with household chores?
4)Could you consider easing up berating yourself about minor household things like dishwashing?

Sounds like you would really benefit from talking to someone about this eg psychologist

Are you taking turns to cover nights with your partner? Honestly I’d be going to bed when your son does or soon after. Sleep matters more than watching tv.

you need something to look forward to on a regular basis! Be sure to book it in the diary: a swim, a lie in, a weekend away, a treat, a coffee.

What did you love doing when you were a kid? You could use that as inspiration for a very short activity for yourself each week. Carve out a little bit of time for it.
Housework is like trying to dig a hole in the sea. You can leave it for a minute. Lower your standards.
You are doing an amazing job, you're coping with a toddler, a full time difficult job and a chronic condition. You're basically a hero and you should treat yourself like one. Also, things will get easier as your kid grows up, at the moment you're doing life on hard mode. Try to be a hype man for yourself.
X

De train yourself from being martyrish. Men don’t tend to do it, we can tie our self worth to whether the washing up is done and get resentful about it etc.

Work wise depends what you do - but if you weren’t there tomorrow I assume the place would still run so a lot of work is just busying ourselves kidding ourselves it matters.

Taking a moment in the day to be grateful- it might sound twee but if you get into a habit of thinking ‘I’m so lucky for x’ or ‘this is a nice moment’, then you get into the habit of talking to yourself in a kinder, more positive way.

Im a fake it until you make it person. People would say I'm happy, bubbly, funny and positive I am not i just act i am and then it just becomes more natural

Try not to be a perfectionist. Consider leaving tasks you do not strictly have to complete. It is ok for things to be good enough.

Have a look at self help books covering anxiety managment strategies and mindfulness.

Also, as you are solvent, consider a cleaner and any possible out sourcing of domestic tasks.