Nobody cares about my kids

[Mumof4girlshectic]

I don't know if it's aibu topic really but I couldnt find one to suit. Does anyone else feel sad that their kids have nobody. They have me and their dad but nobody else really bothers and I feel sad for them and if I'm being totally open and honest I'm so jealous of other parents... When I hear that the grandparents have the kids etc. I can't trust my parents with my kids, they don't even bother with them, which I completely let them, they are welcome round whenever etc they just don't bother. Nobody bothers with xmas, birthdays or anything me and my fella do it all ourselves, we don't get days off or breaks because we are parenting 24/7 our kids are young and then 1 teenager. I don't wanna beg people to care for my children, I'm just so sad for them. My mums visiting from Scotland and whenever she comes down she spends days and days with my brother and his kids then sometimes if I'm lucky will spare half an hour with mine or she will say she's coming and cancel. Like today she's down from Scotland, not seen kids in a year, gone spent 2 days with my brother and his kids and was menna be at mine at 4pm, mine go sleep at 7 and now she's late because she's having dinner at my brother's so I have urge to just tell her not to bother. She will probs show up when kids are menna be in bed. I'm just so so over it. For context my parents were not the best parents to me growing up anyway so I don't know why I'm bothered. I just am

What about your brother?

I mean, does he have a relationship with your children?

have been thinking this myself except im a lone parent. Im in the process of deciding if i need to cut my parents out because they have always been emotionally neglectful.

When I was a child and my parents needed to call on people in an emergency to look after us, it was always friends rather than relatives. Do you and your husband have any close family friends?

That’s so hard, and you deserve better. But if it helps I don’t think it will even register with your kids. It’s sad for you because you hoped for more but they have you and it sounds like you’re a much better parent to your children than your parents were to you. Your kids aren’t missing out, your parents are.

So it's not that your children have 'nobody', just that your parents aren't as involved as you'd like, in part because they live at a considerable distance?

I'm sorry, OP, as you're clearly hurt, but it's not at all unusual to have no grandparental help with your children. DH and I had DS in another country to all of both our families, so there was never any possibility of them babysitting for even the length of a meal unless we were visiting them.

Tell your "Mother" to FO out of your lives completely and permanently.

It sounds like you have family.

there’s your mum and dad, and your brother and his kids. What about on your partner’s side?

i get the impression your mum and dad live a long way from you - in which case it will be difficult to have a close relationship. Do you go up there to see them?

what about their cousins?

Have you always had a distant relationship with your parents ?
My partner complains his parents make no effort with him but tbh he makes no effort with them other than visiting a few times a year when he’s passing. He gets annoyed they make more effort with one of his brothers however that brother phones to check in on them daily, takes them on holiday and generally makes himself an active part of their lives.

Do you have any close friends ? Mum friends ?
In my circle it’s not unusual to have no parents around to help. But most have friendships with other parents they’ve cultivated and maintained and this sort of becomes like family. Play dates, group holidays, socialising, etc.

Not everyone’s parents are capable of being involved, or are even alive. Your kids have two parents, siblings, and also your brother and some cousins.

It sounds like you are really upset about the fact your mum seems to prefer your brother over you and your family, which absolutely sucks.

It's really hard when family let us down, we are supposed to be little units. But it happens more often than it should and very little we can do other than alter any expectations.

It's not fair on your kids, no. Get them out doing positive things, friends, playdates, hobbies (if old enough), swimming, anything where they have positive interactions. I promise that they will benefit far more from that then they will a flaky grandma who can't be bothered.

Go easy OP. Some of this could apply to you and your hubby too. Make some good friends. What's the saying? Friends are the family you chose, or something like that.

Where are your partners parents?

I think this is a lot more common than people realise. My last relative died in 2019 and my husband is no contact with his whole family including his 4 siblings due to issues related to sexual abuse (he was the victim). We literally just have the four of us - two dc and us and that’s it. We don’t even have any friends! We’re just not that kind of people. We are lucky to have a very close, loving family just the four of us and it’s easier now the dc are 14 and 23 (!) but when they were younger people always assumed we had grandparents etc and we just didn’t.

Nope I 100% understand this!! Like totally get it.

It’s the same with my kids, they thought my dad had died because they never see him, my eldest said oh I assumed you didn’t have a dad mum and thought he wasn’t here anymore. My mum has never bothered and doesn’t she don’t bother with birthdays and Christmas’s. Since she’s got a new bf she has a little bit more but to me it’s a look at me I’m such a good nan thing 🙄 my nan don’t bother with my 4 either but always has my cousins kids so they can work and what ever else, even my nans sister does too never once offered me help or support when I wanted to start university and work. My uncles and aunties don’t bother either nor does my kids dad’s side. They literally only have me and I do everything on my own and always have. I find it sad because I see others whose parents always help and always see and bother with their grandchildren then I’ve got my parents and my family who couldn’t give a shit and never bother. That is why I ended up cutting a lot of my family off in the end. I just try and live a peaceful, drama free life.

My dad lives 10 mins away. My mums in Scotland but does come down but doesn't bother to see me much when she does

We had the same - no one to help out. Had grandparents who gave up thinking about gifts after they turned 3years old. It all worked out fine though - they don’t know any different and they have plenty.

Sounds like there is favourites if honest and that would 100% piss me off! My nan is like this with my cousins and their children it makes my blood boil.

I'm sorry your parents aren't the parents you deserve. But look at it this way - your kids have two parents who love them and they have each other - that's more than a lot of kids have. Concentrate on your own little family, you are all your kids need. Encourage them to bring friends home and make it a warm welcoming place to be. That is what your kids will remember from their childhood.

Would you want her around your children given you say you didn’t have a good childhood?

It might be hard to have a close relationship, but when she’s spent the day with the brothers kids and then cancelled in the OPs because she’s choosing to spend more time with them that’s not on.

If parents didn't enjoy being parents, they won't want to look after their grandkids. My dad is like that. Didn't spend time with me when I was a child, doesn't spend time with my children. Some people should've been told it's okay to not have kids at all. It's really not compulsory.

Almost nobody is helping us either and we work full time. We don't get breaks or date nights. It's work or childcare all the time. We currently have a newborn at home and my husband's dad, sister, her husband and teenage kids visited us. They not only didn't help with anything but left mess behind (plates and cups scattered in the living room, cake crumbs everywhere). Expected to be entertained while we have a 7 week old and a 3 year old and barely keeping our heads above water. She had lots of help from both grandmas, they would even look after her kids for two full days a week and weekends when they were smaller (my husband's mum was amazing but she passed away a few years ago).

My only help is my aunt who flies in from another country 3 times a year for a few days to take my 3 year old on trips, do his bath time etc. It's immense help since we have the baby.

And the in-laws, do they bother about the kids?