Sometimes being a boss is not all it’s cracked up to be

[stripesontour]

I’m feeling fed up with one of my team.

I feel like she is constantly undermining me in subtle ways. Each incident feels too small to make a big deal of, but as a sum total, it is really starting to affect me. The culture in the organisation is not to make a big deal of small transgressions (which is generally why I enjoy working there), but it does make it challenging when you have a direct report who thinks they should have more say than is appropriate. “Give an inch, take a mile,” is the saying that comes to mind.

Added to this, she and someone else from another team are a toxic combination who like to bitch behind my back. I was young once, and remember getting stuck in this toxic cycle, but after awhile I realised it wasn’t helping my career to see the boss as an adversary rather than trying to get along with them, and accept that decisions would be made that I didn’t like, and that’s life.

I have tried to be as understanding and considerate as possible, and also collaborative, possibly too much so, given that this person thinks they have license to walk all over me.

AiBU?

Have an honest conversation about her development.
explain that it’s not helping her, or the team and that her attitude to authority needs to improve for her own good as well as others.
In would try and couch it in terms that she cares about ie what is good for her, what she cares about etc.
she sounds immature and selfish!

You sound like a sensible boss but it can be hard to manage some people when it’s a soft and fluffy culture. Do you have fellow managers to at least let off steam with?

I have managed some very precious and flaky or demanding people but at least I have a safe space with my own boss and a couple of fellow managers. Otherwise can be very lonely to be expected to take on toxic or difficult people.

Challenging yes but you I presume get paid more to solve these team issues out for the good of the company. That is office life I am afraid

Thank you. Yes, I do have fellow managers I can talk with. It’s difficult, though, because I am trying to stay as professional as possible, so don’t want to go overboard on venting about her to others.

Yes, of course I do get paid more, although sometimes I question whether it is enough more to make all these issues worth it!

I have been in the same situation and it is extremely stressful. Start to make a note of the incidents to document the micro aggressions as a pattern of behaviour over time. It will allow you to have a more substantive conversation with the individual. During your conversation, you can also ask them about their drivers for the behaviours (likely to be denied) and ask them to reflect on the impact of their professional immaturity in the long term.

Once you have tracked the behaviour and ordered your thoughts, discuss your approach with HR. This will help when it comes to any potential future grievance. Do remember that your company have the same duty of care to you as they do the employee and this is a type of bullying.

in short start to treat it as performance management, but use the behaviour pattern rather than the individual incidents as the core of your approach.

Thank you, that is very helpful.

I had this at work, not me as the manager but a colleague was managing someone who was tricky. The advice she was given was to focus entirely on performance targets/data/targets of this individual and take it well away from personal things because the person being managed was quite clever with words. The other advice was to get the person being managed to suggest their own realistic targets (idea being it takes it away from being you that is unreasonable if they aren't met), record it and then return to it in a systematic way (follow up is key) - difficult employees often thrive in softer systems. I think the idea was to take it away from personalities and into the realms of hard data as much as possible.

The other advice was to just be super super professional - no chats about the week-end, just getting on with your work type vibe and not rewarding bad behaviour with warmth or trying to win them over. And as other posters have said, start logging every minor incident - do it on your computer at home for now - dates, times, what she said/did etc.

Edit: Just to add if she is starting to influence other team members, I would start thinking about her impact and maybe raising that with senior colleagues - it could start to become structural if not addressed.

I'm currently doing an investigation at work for this kind of scenario and the following lessons are emerging: 1. act early, 2. log things, 3. start informal. Otherwise, by the time it reaches trigger point, no one has any records or memory of old events, it's gone beyond mediation and it's a 'he said, she said' situation. Ideally, a quick conversation (with a follow-up email) about considering the impact of careless comments in the workplace could address it, and if it doesn't, time for a word with HR and suggest mediation.

Thank you. Yes, I think I have been doing too much of the “warmth and try to win them over” strategy, which isn’t working.

How easy is it to sack people?
That's what I usually did if I was able to because people like that drag the entire team down

I would start with self-reflection. You're supposed to be the boss... is there a way you can change this dynamic? Is there a reason people might be feeling like this?

Yes, I have been. I have made changes, based on feedback. To be honest though, it feels like whatever I do is being viewed through the lense that this person wants to view it through, i.e. regardless of what I do, they seem to enjoy picking holes or complaining. It’s frustrating.

Can you give some examples so we can suggest strategies?

Email every incident to yourself after it happens so it's date & time stamped. It's far better than jusy keeping a list in the long run.