Playing Stupid, isn't he!

[EughHusbandsWife]

I have (an otherwise great) husband. He's lovely but he drives me insane! He plays stupid at the drop of a hat. He pretends he doesn't understand technology; he says he can't make/answer calls because he's not good at talking on the phone; he ignores emails and generally kicks the can on everything. In other words he just wants me to do it all. We've been married for 17 years. I've tried to make him change for years. Nothing ever changes!
For context, I'm the shy, less confident one of us (though I'll confidently speak on the phone and am very articulate in emails), he is definitely the more confident of the two of us.
I love him very much but I'm so sick of always having to do the admin of life. Anyone got any wise words? Please!

I spent twenty years like this.

He was draining the life out of me.

A loving partner doesn’t want to make your life harder.

Has he always been like this? Why is it irritating you now after 17 years? He’s definitely not going to change so you’ll have to accept it or LTB.

What does he actually do?

I’m perfectly capable of using the phone, I just hate doing it. Some people just have an aversion to phone calls etc so it may not be ‘playing stupid’, as you so charmingly put it. Maybe he just finds it uncomfortable. Many neurodivergent people struggle with life admin, could he have adhd?

My DH hates admin, emails, calls etc. I don’t love it, but am better at it. It is a bit annoying sometimes but I put up with it because - he does all the cleaning, laundry, ironing, gardening, DIY, car washing etc. So it’s worth it

What does yours do to contribute to the household?

Weaponised incompetence is not sexy either…

If you want it to end, you have to make his life more painful to continue than to change. He might be acting stupid, but its more stupid for you to play along, give him the outcome he wants but somehow hope he will magically change. He won't. It's working for him. He doesn't care if that upsets you.

You could simply refuse to step in, and let whatever it is fail. Or if that's unpalatable for you for whatever reason, withdraw help with something else that benefits him.

I suggest that you Google “Learned incompetence in husbands”. The large amount of information suggests that this is a global phenomenon