Husband issues

[ygrittesnow5]

This might be a long one.

Dh and I have been together 10 years, married 6 and have one child together plus my older dc from previous marriage. Life is full on, hectic and we probably don’t make as much time for each other as we should amidst the daily grind.

Dh is the breadwinner. He works hard and pays for most of our household costs, holidays, extras. I work part time and do the lions share of childcare, cleaning, life admin - we are a team and it’s hard work but we have our system and it works for us.

But I’m worried about our relationship. We don’t make time for each other. There is often resentment about who does the most and who is the most tired etc etc etc. I have some trust issues with Dh - he is the type of man who will keep things from me for an easy life. Usually trivial things but I have long since felt like he doesn’t view me as an equal - more like someone who he can give the time and attention and communication he sees fit to. But if he cant be arsed then it’s just tough.

He can be grumpy and opts out of family life (days out, school stuff etc). Our sex life isn’t brilliant and some of this is down to his secretive behaviour there as well. He has a particular sexual interest that I only found out about by pure chance. He never would have told me (it isn’t anything illegal or dangerous, just silly in my opinion). I don’t have any interest in it but have always remained non judgemental. I’ve found out recently he is subscribed to only fans where he is watching this sort of content. And it’s really upset me. I don’t mind porn, I don’t even mind that he is spending money subscribing. But it just feels so off. I’ve seen no evidence of him communicating or messaging anyone directly on there and in his mind I’m sure he’s just consuming the kind of content that interests him but this feels like a real wedge between us.

I know OF is an immediate LTB for some women but I don’t feel that strongly about the actual watching of it. I know he has a kink. I know I’m not interested so it’s only fair to assume he’ll view it separately as he can’t exactly turn off his feelings just because of me. But I still feel neglected and second fiddle. He is too tired for me but can watch this stuff?

I know there is love still between us. We have a lovely home and family. But we both need to communicate and make more effort with one another. I need to discuss this with him in a non accusational way but I want a frank conversation not him glossing over things through embarrassment or wanting an easy life. Any ideas?

If you have zero standards of fidelity that’s fine, we can’t all be as cool-wife as you I guess

Does the Father of your older children see/support your children or is your current husband expected to support them?

Yes my eldest’s dad is involved, not sure why that’s relevant?

The point is that all the things that OP has talked about are all major issues. And they all seem to stem from his personality and his attitude to women.

Not seeing his wife as an equal and using sex workers are pretty big stumbling blocks. As is not wanting to be involved in family life.
How do you suggest OP fixes these? Talking to him isn't going to have much effect. Perhaps counselling if he is willing.

But to me a guy who is into porn and Only Fans isnt going to have a miraculous personality change and actually start respecting women in general and OP in particular.

Sounds a trifle tricky

Hilarious. Really clever stuff.

I've never thought of myself as cool, although I imagine you're being ironic 🤔

Thing is.....I wouldn't want sex with custard/trifle on me. If he's just watching.....what's the bother?

I guess if it's actually detracting from @ygrittesnow5's sex life......its less acceptable

Therapy might well help

Yep, feet or ASMR.

Keep up, it’s already been addressed.

Sorry! Was fun to guess. Does sound harmless, but also I don't get how it is remotely sexy. Could you talk about it, as a halfway house maybe?

Sometimes I wonder if these type of men even like women at all? Some seem to just get married and have a child just because it's expected and they want someone to cook and clean up after them

I'm sorry for some of the answers you're getting here, OP. I think people forget that this is someone's life and not entertainment.

All I can advise as an older woman married for many years is that if you don't address issues, they fester and they grow.... they don't go away. If something is making you unhappy, you need to look it in the eye and address it.

I don’t get it either but apparently it’s something he’s always enjoyed way before he even met me, I can’t change that about him nor should I, but it has definitely left me feeling pretty shit.

Interesting, I prefer the idea of OF because I assume the creators are getting paid directly? The ethics of other porn bother me, but I don't use porn or OF so I don't know enough about it!

Not saying he is in the wrong but I think it would bother me too, OP. I would worry about not being enough. I do worry about this actually without the complication of the kink though so maybe it is more about your own confidence. And I'm not offended by my partner masturbating although maybe because I have a lower sex drive. But maybe the thing that makes the kink exciting is the taboo nature? It might lose its charm if he gets to do it with you and then it'll just be something else?

I do think we can sometimes have unreasonable expectations of both ourselves and our partners to be able to fulfil every need in a single person. So maybe you won't ever scratch that particular itch, but he's obviously happy with you anyway. And maybe think about the needs you have (not necessarily sexual) that he doesn’t meet, and reflect on if that really impacts how you feel about him? And if it doesn't, can you apply that to how he probably feels about you? Eg I'd love to share books with my partner but it's not an interest of his. Similarly, don't you ever feel too tired to engage with your partner but do something else instead? (Mine is scrolling mumsnet >.<)

It sounds like something it might be helpful to explore in counselling, on your own or together.

@hifriend Some OF creators are paid directly, but increasingly a large number end up effectively being pimped online. 'Managers' promise to support them with content creation and reaching a wider audience etc but then get them to sign contracts which cede control of money and content and impose demanding work schedules. They also trade them online. So whilst there arguably was once a lot more agency involved in OF, this is by no means always the case for a lot of (mainly) women that end up producing this kind of material and get sucked into more and more explicit material/contact. I doubt OP's husband is going out of his way to check the levels of free will women producing the content he watches are able to exercise.

“I’ll be up to bed soon love, I’m just going to pay my monthly subscription then have a wank over this lass 20 years younger than you covering herself in trifle”

You need a reality check

Yeah good point about him probably not checking! And I did wonder if that was the case now, that's a shame. Thanks for taking the time to educate me 😊

I once met a woman who was into this big time. Her thing was squatting over cakes.

I suppose it’s harmless enough and would make watching bake off a bit different.