Aibu to think this needs sharing re dv?

[marlboro]

I see so many threads here where women are in coercive controlling relationships, with posters victim blaming and giving awful advice.

the best advice you can give a DV victim:
. Leave if you are able to (but be aware that most are trapped financially and unable to)
. Tell someone what is happening
. DO NOT ‘stand up’ to your abuser - they use DARVO. They WILL go to police/family and make you out to be the abusive one.
. Do not JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). You’re just giving them ammo.
. Use the DV charities. They offer psychological support, practical advice, safety planning, legal aid, support with reporting to the police
. if you have children, be aware social services/schools/family courts are going to care about their safety. Do not slag off your ex - focus on the impact the abuse has on them.
. Do not go to appts alone. Use lawyers/ charities/ friends.
. be careful with psychological assessments - you can be traumatised but if you’re too traumatised the abuser will use it against you.
. document everything. If it’s physical, get photos and go to the hospital. If you can, call the police every time. If not, send to a close family member so you have time stamped siclosures. Leave emotions out of it, just give factual accounts. Who, what where when and why.
. be super careful about parental alienation. After darvo this is the second most used tactic by abusers.

is there anything I have missed? Please feel free to add 😊

anyone in this situation you are not alone. Please please seek support and remember you are valuable and deserve to be safe and supported. Being alone is better than being abused xx

Oh and one more.
he isn’t going to change. He knows right from wrong. This wasn’t your fault. It was his fault for abusing you. No matter what you did, you didn’t deserve it

Good concise post OP. But do you mean that perpetrators of DV are claiming that parental alienation is a thing, to get one over their victim?
I think that point needs clarifying, because it almost reads like women should be careful of "doing" parental alienation, when there is mounting evidence that it isn't how the courts/abusive men portray it, and is much more likely to actually be a woman protecting her children from further abuse.

I can't seem to word it how I want, I hope that makes sense!

Do not JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).

First time I've seen this acronym but yes, very much this. When you take 'accusations' seriously, you legitimise the complaint and put yourself in a faux courtroom situation, with your abuser acting as counsel for the prosecution.

Same with DARVO. In short, grey rock or politely remove yourself. Remember you don't need to win - you'll do that when you ditch him. Just breathe slowly and de-escalate.

All of this is incredibly taxing, so it is important to have people you can offload to.

I would add that your children ARE aware. They feel the tension in the house even if they never see arguing (you can never be certain of this either). Staying in an abusive relationship models that behaviour for them and will cause them a lifetime of issues.

Yes sorry. I mean prepare for it to be said - does that make sense?

@marlboro yeah that makes sense. Women need guidance on how to.combat the untrue claims of alienation, it's so awful.that abusive men get away with reframing women's desperate attempts at basic child protection as "alienation"