Friendship advice please

[Uniqueheartbee]

I have tried to condense this; I have a friend, I thought a close friend. Busy, and quite different lives mean we didn’t see each other regularly but spoke all the time and when we did see each other it always felt like we had a nice time. I thought we got on really well and knew lots about each other lives, we’ve been friends for around 25 years. It’s possible I just didn’t notice it before but I felt this year like for some reason she didn’t want to spend actual time with me. I wanted to plan a spa trip for us (my treat, and said that) and asked if she had any dates over a 4 month period… it really made me reevaluate the friendship as it felt a real battle getting her to commit to a date. She would ignore that particular message. Same when I suggested another meet up. She would ignore the message about meeting up. And then twice cancelled plans to do the spa day. I did say to her how I was feeling and she apologised and did acknowledge it but nothing really changed. We never did make the spa trip. We’ve had a while of not talking and even though I felt upset I missed her so much. She also messaged me to say she missed our friendship

We recently started talking again, with I’ve missed you and so much to catch up on from both sides.

This is how our most recent conversation went on Sunday;

her: so much to tell you
me: yes! You can choose a day or evening for a proper catch up
her: which is best for you
me: next Thursday is my first no work no child day. What’s (her husbands) work schedule like, I could do an evening before out or at yours
her: I actually fly to (destination) for a wedding a week on Tuesday
me: nice!

and that’s it, no shall we catch up when I’m back, or I can do x evening. I don’t want to say anything more about meeting up as feel like I don’t want to ask again! Which is how I felt earlier this year, that it was one sided.

I totally understand we all have busy lives, but am I being unreasonable to think that you might make an effort to make time to commit to seeing someone you value/like? I know she makes plans with other friends including holidays. I have 4 children and work so don’t have a lot of free time. And this doesn’t happen with my other friends, I feel it’s quite equal with suggesting meeting up and what we’re going to do. We make plans and meet up. It feels easy. If one of us has to cancel we would suggest another date

Im struggling with my feelings over this friend. I’m upset and feel a bit teary today.

what should I do?

Just leave it and wait for her to suggest something. If she doesn’t, she’s phased herself out!

Hi

I might be missing something here, but do you think she initially thought you meant a 'phone' catch up rather than a 'meeting in person' catch up?

I understand how you are feeling but you never truly know what's going on in someone's life and if there is an 'issue' some people 'socially withdraw' and keep things private. Her parents/partner/children could be ill, she's struggling at home or at work - or she's feeling ill?

I think the best thing to do here is to text her.... something like..... "Hi! How was the wedding? Do you have time for a phone catch up?" and see what the response to that is.

Your friend may feel awkward to meet after all of this time so think of a phone call as an 'ice-breaker'.

It might just be she has too little time? Some people are far better at multi-tasking than others

Let us know what happens x

Why did you offer to pay for the spa for her? I would find that really uncomfortable. Fine if you were both going and paying for yourselves but I hate it when people try to buy me. You may see it as being nice, I just see it as being weird and a bit needy.

I think you should just leave it, and stick with your other friends.

I've been on both sides of this, it might be she doesn't want you as a friend anymore (for no fault of your own). It's awfully hard to tell someone you don't want to see them again, even though they're really nice to you.

At least she didn't ghost you, something a close friend did.

Busy, and quite different lives mean we didn’t see each other regularly but spoke all the time

I think this is what the friendship is and if you accept that it's not going to evolve to spa day or anything much in person any more, then you'll stay friends, if you want to. If you want more and are going to keep being disappointed, back away. This is who she is and she doesn't want to do more with you whatever she says to you or does with other people. So focus on other people for the spa trips, or go on your own - I went solo to one recently and it was blissful.

I’d draw a line and move on tbh. I had a very similar situation and after a few months I actually realised I didn’t miss the friendship at all. People and friendships change

I'd stop making her the centre of your attention and widen your circle. Ask someone else if they'd like to hang out.

Text her back, and say Have fun at the wedding, throw me a few dates, and then just leave it there. Be fully prepared for her not to throw you any dates. This is just how it goes sometimes, it might come back, it might not but try not to take it personally. Friendship needs various things to be aligned to work, and it might be a blip, or it may have run it's course. You don't need to know for sure, just make it less important by focusing elsewhere.

I’d forget the spa day with her and just see if she contacts you again. Dont initiate contact.