Everyone says there is help - where is the help

[babasaclover]

I don’t know where to start like where do you go when complete rock bottom.

went gp this morning for various things. He says I am depressed - weirdly I felt relief and I agree although that’s not what I went in there it makes total sense.

but what to do now. Counselling he says medication he says but realistically I went back to work had a hard day then logged off work and felt lost.

where do you actually go when it all falls to shit but on the outside you hold it together and so seem normal ish. Or your friends think you’re just opera menopausal? Is there a one stop shop other than being admitted to a psych ward?!? Where’s the in between

Did he prescribe you some meds OP? Do start them if he has. Can you afford private counselling?

You take the medication, it will start to work in a couple of weeks so if you’re feeling terrible go off sick

and take the counselling if offered. Both of these are going to help.

There are definitely options. Some of them are free but not fast...
I would start with medication. This is something your GP can prescribe right away but will likely take a few weeks to a month to help. Although, mine was exceptionally fast.
Then self-refer to your local IAPT. The initial assessment is very quick but waiting list for treatment is hefty so it's best to do it right away.
Check if your workplace has employer wellbeing service. Mine can refer me for counselling and I will be seen within a week or two.

For immediate listening ear type there are organisations you can call just to have someone to talk to. Samaritans are generally for suicidality but can also help with general low mood. Call 116 123
Mind helpline can talk through things with you and also connect you to local services tel:+44-300-1021234 0300 102 1234
If you are in crisis, contact local crisis line. They won't admit you in hospital unless you are very high risk and can't be supported in the community but they may be able to offer regular input for a week or two. They won't deal with regular MH issues, this option is only if you feel you can't keep yourself safe.

My personal go to is private counselling from BetterHelp. Yes, you have to pay for it but it was worth every penny both times I used it. It's something to the tune of £60 a week and I usually book 6 sessions and that's plenty. I do typically have very clear goals for therapy which avoids lengthy intervention and I try to make sure I already have basics taken care of like eating, regular gentle movement, proper sleep, daily walks etc. before I book my sessions to avoid paying someone to tell me things I already know.

Which brings me to the most important thing - get your basics right as much as possible. I know it sounds very simple but, trust me, I see it work time and time again. Proper sleep, minimal cognitive drain like social media, news outlets etc, light movement daily and preferably outside, showers, proper meals. You can't move on meaningfully without getting these things right. I know it's boring. I know it seems impossible. I know depression makes these very things difficult. But just one little step at a time.

Help is there but it is very sparce and takes a long time to access. I won't lie to you. If you want the best outcome, please consider some private support.

Agree with previous poster, if GP prescribed meds, take them. You might feel worse for a couple of weeks, but honestly they make all the difference. I have been on and off Citalopram for years, life changing.

Are you discounting the doctor’s mentioning counselling and medication?
That could well constitute your ‘one stop shop’ if you let it.
Medication as the immediate bit, as counselling can usually involve a wait unless you pursue it privately.
But it’s really worth giving meds a chance; they do not ‘kick in’ immediately, so the sooner you begin the sooner you’ll wake up one morning feeling the leaden cloud has shifted.
Also, you may need to try more than one medication before you find the right fit.

Good advice here.

This may not help at all, but when I've felt as desperate as you sound, it's been because of the lasting impact of childhood trauma. No idea if that's relevant to you, but just in case it is, the best thing for me (better than counselling, they didn't seem to have a clue about child abuse) has been anonymous online support groups. There are even threads about exactly what you describe - where tf is the help we're meant to be asking for?!

Hope you find something to make you feel better.

I realise you’re a bit confused at the moment so that’s probably why your post comes across that way!

He has offered you the help. Maybe your brain can’t process it just yet? So yes, you went back to work, because that’s what we do after our doctors appointment.

And then you get your medication and you take it. And there’s a good chance you’ll feel better in a couple of weeks. The next step is to get your medication and take it. Don’t worry about the rest of it for now.

Hi sorry that you’re feeling like this - depression can make you feel very isolated. If you mean that you feel you could need some help tonight or over the next few days, so more urgent than either meds or counselling would be, and you don’t feel comfortable talking to people in your life about it (or don’t get an adequate response), then there are the Samaritans or 111 should be able to redirect you perhaps to a local helpline depending on where you live. And you’ve done a good thing sharing how you’re feeling on here as plenty of people are likely feeling similar and can help you through it.

The problem is, unless you pay for counselling, there is a wait for it - so I understand it’s a tough situation to be in if you are in need of help NOW rather than 6+ weeks. Even medicine takes a while to work.
Try and look after yourself in the meantime, get enough sleep, eat well and try and do the bare minimum commitment wise and don’t overload yourself. It’s really crappy, I understand.

There is charity run mental health support in most areas,
Checkout out youe local Mind Charity.
Your local talking therapies service although they will have a wait list, often have online CBT tools to use in the mean time.

You do what the GP says. are you in the UK?

Thank you so much for response. Think it’s stuff like this I’m lost with commitments like what do I say to people when they want to meet up make plans etc. I’m struggling to get showered every day have no appetite. Just washed my face but can’t even face shower yet. I messaged my closest friends last night.

just feel a bit on hold. Have requested counselling through work as have private healthcare thankfully

Isolated yes so weird as got big family (though wouldn’t want to burden them as all full on lives themselves) big good friend group but feel like I’ve got something I can’t discuss somehow or just don’t know how to do it.

Feels so much easier to talk anonymously on here thank you for your response.

Feeling like you can't "burden others" is very common. And I always suggest people ask themselves "if my friend or sister called me right now and told me they needed emotional support, would I begrudge it?" In 99% of cases people are happy to help others despite what's going on for them but aren't allowing themselves to approach others. Chances are, people in your life want to help and want you to reach out.
I was essentially homeless last year, in the middle of a horrible relationship breakdown, away from my support network and struggling with all sorts of issues. I was still taking daily calls from my friend who was going through hard stuff but had a lot fewer resources than me. Now we are both in a much better place for it.

Your post is amazing and so comprehensive so thank you.

the basics are what seem like a mountain to climb. When I eat the food sticks in my throat and I’ve got a permanent upset stomach which is sort of stress cause I think.

I’ve just applied for private counselling through our work medical cover. It felt good to have something to plan choosing the right counsellor etc.

the prescription will be ready today and my husband is off so going to ask him to collect it.

really could do with a break from work but I work from home and don’t want to jeopardise that! Also not even sure what I would say. I was sick last week for stomach - genuinely but it’s all led up to this point of going gp yesterday.

You say about commitments with friends etc...
Don't put pressure on yourself to commit to things.

Just a suggestion do you have a close friend who lives nearby? Could you arrange a morning 20minute walk at a set time and day each week?

Stick a hat and leggings on, don't even worry about washing your face or brushing your teeth til you get back home. Then, having been up and out, you may find it easier to face getting washed etc.

You could walk and talk or even just walk if your friend understands. But having that person expecting you can help force you up and out, which will hopefully make you feel a tiny bit better

Can you swap the meals for some "liquid calories" for now? Protein shake like Huel which have full nutritional profile?
When I loose appetite due to stress, I stick with beige foods. Even if it is a few chips and a half of chicken nugget. It all adds up. My diet is usually very diverse so a couple of weeks of "child dinners" is not the end of the world.
Are there any foods you like? Ice cream? Chocolate? Nutritional values don't matter at this stage. It's just about getting calories in and teaching your body that eating is safe.
Are there any times of day when you are better at showering than others? I prefer evenings just before I go to bed. I have lights off and a soft lamp close to the floor so it feels more soothing. Maybe your husband can run you a bath.
You can ask your GP to sign you off work if you feel it will help. Although, personally, my work is often the only thing that keeps me grounded and gives routine. I know I would feel a lot worse if I took time off.

Just say you have things going on at the moment and you’ll get back in touch to arrange (if you don’t want to give too much info). Sorry you’re having a rough time. That’s great you can get counselling via work a bit quicker.

I had to say it but getting out for a walk really did help me but had someone told me that at the time, I wouldn’t have been happy!

I think some people end up just about getting by in life as a " functioning depressed person", in much the same way as there are "functioning alcoholics".

My sister was like this but fortunately divorcing her miserable git of a husband restored joy to her life.

Wow. Right on time for me to have a little rant! Honestly I don't want to upset you further but the short answer is not really, no. I don't think so unless you are catatonic, fit into very specific boxes or lie basically. Meds work for many and hopefully if your depression is not trauma related the offered counselling might too.

My downfall in accessing help seems to be how self aware I am that the majority of my issues are caused by trauma and that that's what I need therapy for specifically. I'm not quite sure why trained professionals are struggling to grasp that just because I know what - from years of research due to being desperate to figure out what the hell is wrong with me! - has contributed, I still need help to unpick and process and heal the events and effects. Psychiatrists would be out of a job if it were simple enough to do alone.

Now this part will be long but maybe someone has advice or it will be helpful to others, though probably in what to avoid more than anything else haha!

I have been begging for help for years as an adult and was with CAMHS from 6-16, not that I remember any of that. I've tried every medication the GP can offer and have always just been told to go to IAPT, who from my many many self referrals have seen me once for unrelated insect phobia treatment and will not take me on due to multiple childhood trauma and the complexity of my case. I have finally become stable on ADHD medication in the last year, which is about the only thing that is right in my life to be honest. Unfortunately, the underlying trauma related issues are now coming up in bucket loads. I read that this is quite common, that my brain has always been too busy trying to survive the ADHD to deal with any of the things that happened to me. I'm in theory now actually able to do practical things like a normal person, but my ability to cope with stress and process tiny changes and difficult situations has been massively diminished. Anxiety is not one of the mental health problems I've ever struggled with in the past at all. I've never been a worrier, never had stage fright or felt stressed in a crowd, never saw anything as too much or been in a situation where I didn't have some idea what to do. I was always the person who managed to stay calm and make a plan in a crisis... now I can barely pop to Aldi without having a panic attack.

At the beginning of this year my very concerned Mum dragged me to the GP who put in an urgent community mental health team assessment referral for longer term help. Wow. Finally! I had a meeting with my council wellbeing team, which I'd joined the waiting list for months prior, less than a week later who said they would've done the same secondary care referral and left with a plan to chase that referral up, as I should've been seen within a few days given the urgency, and to refer me for a few other services which I now know never happened. Around the same time I'd referred myself to the local gambling addiction service (yes I'm also on GAMSTOP, don't worry!) and bereavement services as I lost a parent when I was very young. I also have a brain injury I never got any psychological support for and reached out to a few charities. I never heard back from any of them, obviously I have chased them now but adding more tasks to a list when somebody is overwhelmed and needs help lightening that load isn't particularly a helpful process and I wasn't in a position to do this straight away. I explained our situation to my child's school and social care who did in-school and carer's assessments. All they could offer or suggest was an after school sports club, at the other side of our city at rush hour when he already has a club he enjoys in his routine that day (and joint pain/problems?) that I would have to get him to and pay for. To top it all off, somehow in the process of the wellbeing team chasing the GP's referral, without me knowing and without them ever contacting me again, they managed to get the initial referral cancelled. It would be laughable if I didn't desperately need the help!

As I was unaware the referral had been cancelled I was feeling worse but waiting thinking I might finally get the support I need. A few weeks later on my child's birthday a close relative died and I found out on social media. This triggered things related to losing the parent on said relative's side as a kid. I fell into crisis and I was put under my local home-based treatment team after breaking down at a routine GP appointment for another health issue. When they first came out to assess me I finally felt like I had the opportunity to get some help after years of reaching out, pushing through, doing everything right... I could not have been more wrong. They have done nothing but a check-box visit every week (ish) to essentially make sure I'm still alive. Wouldn't want their stats showing they failed, obviously! They've promised me referrals to just not do them with no explanation, said they'll look into something and then not passed any of it onto the rest of the team or put that part of our discussion in their notes, they've failed to do basic things THEY listed in the leaflet they gave me when they first visited such as providing a copy of my care plan, medication reviews and contacting my family for their input or make arrangements. They constantly make out like I'm not doing anything to improve my own situation and seem to think that once the current 'social stressors' in my life are fixed (a couple of ongoing housing issues, being a carer so unable to work currently, my child's health and education, temporary-ish financial issues due to my gambling problem) I'll be fine? I've done everything I can possibly think of to do at this point. They tell me to 'try'. What on Earth do they think I have been doing exactly... I don't know if I'm actually going insane or being gaslit! I've insisted I now have somebody with me for appointments as they started claiming they never said certain things, for example that they had done a referral to our local community enablement service for some practical help. I made this up entirely and they don't know how this would help me at all, apparently. A service I didn't even know existed until they recommended and gave me a leaflet about it? Of course it turned out they had not done one, and in the meantime the CET has closed their referrals due to demand. Once again, it's ALMOST laughable. What's been very difficult for me is that they cancel regularly at short notice, or are early or late and make me feel like it is my fault despite me putting everything in my calendar straight away and planning around those meetings. Almost every visit is a different person, I've only seen somebody I have met before on one or two occasions. I understand that the kind of service they are means things can happen - but they'll often tell me it's going to be a specific person then someone else turns up, and it was never going to be the person I was told was coming. The new person has never read any of my notes other than the initial assessment despite the team knowing I have a physical disability as well as my ADHD which that person actually does need to know about for the appointment to take place! This then creates a huge gap in understanding and I often use the majority of not all of the appointment repeating myself, wondering how many times I can say the same thing. I'm no different after listing my difficulties and traumas than when they arrived except I'm exhausted, certainly not better off. I'm well aware that I have serious trust issues, but especially in relation to medical personnel due to a recent medical injury and the longer term effects, mentally and physically, of that, and numerous incidents where I've 'slipped through the gaps' for lack of a better term. I sound paranoid. Maybe I am a bit now. Do I understand that there realistically isn't some huge vendetta against me that every service and staff member is in on and that mistakes happen, albeit very unfortunately happening to me more than the average? Yes of course. Do my nervous system and brain seem to understand this and have any semblance of cooling it on the hyper vigilance? Sadly not.

I've even had some members of the team that really seemed like they heard me and understood and were going to help, to once again be disappointed when the next person comes and says yeah, we will not be helping with that/don't agree you need it/it wasn't even mentioned. They are actually supposed to be discharging me today despite me being worse than when I was sent to their team and have declined to refer me to any further secondary mental health care despite every primary provider I have accessed saying that my issues are too complex for their service and I need deeper help. After being taken to A&E via ambulance last weekend when I was about to jump off a bridge, members of the the same home based treatment team - who I had not met before - attended instead of my hospital's crisis liaison and told me (and I directly quote) that I need to stop being so childish. I've now had a social services referral from the hospital - not particularly worried about that as I've recently spoken to them myself to ask for help and they've said as my son is very obviously cared for and thriving they can't offer any support - and nothing else.

My Mum is going with me to what is likely my final/discharge appointment today. I cannot express any other way to them that I need help and I'm so exhausted from trying to get them to understand. I will be asking for their records and complaints procedure of course as none of this has been appropriate. If I do kill myself there will be oohs and aahs and 'there were so many missed opportunities, we won't let this happen again' upon further investigation I'm sure. Unfortunately this does not help me now in the slightest. I am no further forward and there is no plan in place despite my Mum and siblings also attempting to advocate for me (just in case it is me getting it wrong) but I'm not sure if I am beyond help or they just can't be arsed. Or some other secret third reason. It's very hard to have trust in any service when you're left for months, told to do everything you cannot do yourself and constantly worn down.

I don't know what the solution is. I'm really sorry you're going through a tough time OP and I hope something is put in place that genuinely helps you 💐