AIBU For no longer wanting to be friends with someone I think may be using me.

[JustAGirlxo]

I got a friend who I’ve known since my early 20s we are now in our 30s. This friend has one child already who’s 8 and throughout my 20s she has constantly needed a favour at first I didn’t mind helping but then it got to the point she was constantly asking sometimes there was an element of entitlement it’s always money or childcare bare in mind this kid has a dad god parents and grandparents . I’ll never forget when she called me once saying if one of her friends ever asked to borrow money I’ll never ask for it back joke thing is she’s never the one to give just take.

I’ve since fallen pregnant and had my baby currently 7 weeks pp when I told I was pregnant a few months later she calls me saying she’s also pregnant and how she can’t wait to do motherhood with me I was happy for her but then felt dread and she started saying she’ll baby sit my baby I knew where this was going she going to create a set up that benefits her. She’s openly said her parents said she struggles with one child never mind two. She’s been contacting almost daily throughout my pregnancy and something within me is saying she’s got a motive. During my pregnancy she asked me for money twice. The first time she offered to pay for the food at my baby shower me knowing she’s not got a lot of money and also with her second baby on the way refused she insisted on helping I left it the very next day she asked me for £10 now I don’t want to assume but i felt like she manipulated me into feeling a sense of obligation with the offer to pay for the food. I said no to the £10 I didn’t have it. ( she never ended up paying for the food btw). A few weeks later she’s asking for £20 just before she’s about to go on holiday at this point I’ve said I’m not in a position to borrow money she accepted and then proceed to call constantly it felt really intense. Fast forward to now 8 weeks pp and she’s 3 weeks pp. she calls me up with a sob story on how her partner doesn’t help her with anything in the house not towards rent bills or food ( this is the same partner she’s been with for 10 years) she keeps saying I just want him to pay for food I said he needs to pay for more than just food if you now have two kids together I gave her some advice but she said how he doesn’t have money himself at the moment till his pay day and by day 3 she’s already broke from his bills and hers. I feel like she was indirectly asking me to help her which I’m annoyed about as I’m 8 weeks PP with my first child myself. I feel she’s very inconsiderate to my circumstances and only cares about her own AIBU for wanting to cut this off

Do you get anything out of this friendship?

if not just ignore her messages and she’ll get the hint

Just blank her messages and block. She's one of those people who enjoy being a victim she will just drain you.

At this point only a fool would not cut her off.

She isn’t a friend. She sees you as a mug.
Stop falling for it and take a massive step back from any messages/sob stories.
She’ll soon find someone else to latch on to.
You need to develop a thick skin with these types!

Congratulations on your lovely baby. Take this opportunity to show your child what true friendship means and keep away from this woman who uses you under the pretence of being your friend.

You sound very kind OP, but I think you have realised that you friend has a manipulative streak. I think it's high time for you to be kind to yourself and drop contact/help/money. Just look after yourself and your lovely little baby x

Suggest she double checks she is getting all the government benefits she may be entitled to.

Next time she asks for money ask her if she has claimed UC /child benefit yet.
Or suggest a food bank.

Shes probably already pretending to be a single parent and claim single benefits.

You KNOW how this is going to turn out. Things are different now, you're a mother and you need to put your child first. That also means putting yourself first as your child relies on you 100%. You time is your child's time too, your money is your child's money, your energy and social capital.. etc.

You need to set some boundaries now and stick to them, if this relationship is to survive then it needs to be give and take and completely mutually beneficial. If you think you're going to struggle to get her to step up, or you find it hard to advocate for yourself then gradually distancing yourself until she gets the message is not unreasonable. Good luck.

If she can afford to go on holiday then she has enough money. She's taking massive advantage of you and also making you feel crappy by now saying no.
Just let her go, she's not a friend and things will be more peaceful. Congrats on your little one!

I do feel for people who are struggling financially, I’ve been there myself. But adult friendships can’t involve one person constantly borrowing money off the other. It’s one thing to loan a good friend a one off sum, or to shout a meal occasionally, but regularly hitting them up for money is not a good foundation for friendship. If tell her quite firmly that she needs to stop asking you as it puts you in an uncomfortable position and gets in the way of your friendship. If you’re not getting anything out of the friendship, just slow down your replies to her.

100% this.

Your main responsibility is your own baby so I would suggest you start to back away.

Don't answer her calls, be slow to respond to messages. But be consistent with your responses when you do respond. You can't lend any money, you need it for your own family and you are unable to look after her children, you have your hands full looking after your own one.

Congratulations on your new baby 💐🎈

Congratulations on your baby! You are absolutely right to cut this friendship off. It could be that now you have a baby you are rightly prioritising your money and time for your own baby and not this friend who is a leech.

Professional victim and scrounger. Step away!

You are in the grips of a full - blown manipulation. ...(.been there, done that )....jn my case I even gifted the woman my husband ( now ex) this is the type that's difficult to unstick without trouble. You better fabricate something like : I'm going back to work and won't be available for coffee mornings anymore. If you don't stand firm , you WONT get rid.

Block her number ffs

She’s a user . Give her nothing . No more babysitting either . She’s the type that will pull back from you if you don’t satisfy her needs or wants . This friendship will sizzle out .

I think if you feel you're being used by this friend , rather than a reciprocal relationship you're probably right.

I was friends with someone from university days when we shared a house and we later shared a houseshare in London. We'd go out and she'd say she didn't have any money so I paid and she didn't pay me back, saw things when were out together but didn't have her card so I bought - she never paid back. It didn't really bother me, it was never much.
I got married and moved out of London, we kept in touch. She later moved to the area I was living and we continued to see each other. She started a couse at university to further her career and asked if she could stay with us Sunday to Thursday as our home was nearer and would save her time and travel costs- we agreed and were happy to do so and included her in our social circle when she stayed with us - this lasted an academic year. We didn't ask for any financial contribution as we felt sorry for her as she said it was hard for her as a single person and we were lucky to have 2 incomes, she had no luck in relationships, looking back I can't think why. She was also vegetarian so we accommodated this - she never offered to cook once in all that time.
Later she came to work for the same organisation as me but in a different department and we continued seeing each other. She changed jobs. She met someone, a succesful academic, and they bought a house together but still in the same area, The contact lessened, athough we did go to their wedding and had a lovely time. We did not give them a wedding gift (although my husband wasn't aware of this at the time as I was beginnig to be a bit pissed of by then). They asked for donations to their chosen charity as they'd been living together for years by then and it was a charity we regularly contribute to anyway,
Contact ceased and I found out from a mutual friend later that they had relocated to a different part of the country but not told us.
Fast forward to 2 christmases ago( about 18-20 years) we had a card from them with their contact details as they've moved back to the area on retirement and would love to meet up.
I didn't respond. My husband thought I was petty, I told him he's free to contact them himself but not to involve me. Her husband is quite a bit older than her and I foresaw pleas for help on the horizon that I was not willing to get involved with as they live about an hours drive away. My husband has not contacted them as I pointed all this out to him.
I know some of this is down to me as I didn't set boundaries or ask for financial contribution but I was young and full of love for my fellow humans ((ie, stupid) but I would never have acted as she did.
Sorry for the long post, with hindsight, I'm more annoyed by my own niavity than anything else.

TLTR: nip it in the bud now so you don't get taken advantage of for years and get nothing in return

Dump her and run because otherwise you will look back YEARS LATER and realised you were USED - IT HAPPENED TO ME when my daughter was at primary school - I was used by another school mum
I never see any playground mums now from when my daughter was at primary school
I am age 54 now and my daughter is age 20

Just get rid. There will always be people who just take. They wont change and will ALWAYS have a sob story. Get rid and watch her do the same to her next victim.

Just get rid. There will always be people who just take. They wont change and will ALWAYS have a sob story. Get rid and watch her do the same to her next victim.

She's ruining your time with your baby. For that alone I would dump her.

Sorry OP I am 44 and do not entertain people like this in my life. I haven’t done since my early 20s. I would rather have no friends than shit ones. Just stop answering calls, leave it ages like two weeks before texting her back, go dark on social media for a bit too if she hounds you on there, that will also help your mental state with the baby anyway as I found new mums social media content just makes you feel guilty about everything and panicky. Or if you must then scroll but don’t post.
just cut her out, join some baby groups, live your life without her in it .

Has she ever paid you back all the times she’s borrowed money? Has she every done anything for you which didn’t involve money (giving her time to help you?)

You aren't being unreasonable, if you do want to keep the friendship just put boundaries in place. It sounds like whatever she asks for, you feel you need to give, or feel bad saying you can't. "No" is a complete sentence and requires zero guilt. Some people take when they can without looking back, it's not a nice quality but it's easily managed by refusing. You should absolutely never give money to anyone unless you can afford to lose it. If she stays friends just say "I had an issue previously so I'm never lending money again, sorry" job done. She can ask all she likes, a simple "as I said, no". It does seem a bit like you're angry at having to give all the time but (yes she is also at fault for asking) you have chosen to give. I think I've occasionally babysat for friends and literally never loaned any friend any money, I'd always say no on the basis it isn't good for a friendship in my opinion. You're resentful of her for asking, but you do also carry some of the blame for constantly giving, which has created the dynamic of her relying on you. Take back control and just say no, or lean on her a bit and you might find there's a nugget of real genuine friendship in there.

If you are done with the whole thing and don't want her to stay a friend, which is fair enough, there's no need for drama, just gradually phase her out and be busy. She'll soon get the message and fade out your life.

As you make new friends, just make sure you only do favours or offer to help if it works for you and make sure its reciprocated.