AIBU to feel awkward about family wealth differences and birthdays?

[FamilyFinances]

If you are a lot wealthier or poorer than family, does it cause any issues within your family and if so, how do you deal with them?

I am one of 4 siblings. Two of us are much wealthier than the other two. One struggles quite a lot. Our parents are reasonably well off. When it comes to getting together for birthdays or holidays, it always seems to end up in problems.

I generally let my siblings who aren’t so well off choose restaurants etc as we don’t want to put any financial pressure on them. When we have offered to pay in the past, we have been accused of being patronising and flash.

It’s come up again as our mum has a big birthday coming up, I haven’t made any suggestions as to what we should do as I don’t know how much they want to spend and feel I can’t ask without it being a problem. However, me and my other ‘well off’ sibling not making any suggestions has resulted in us being accused of not being interested in our mums birthday which isn’t true.

When we have discussed potential gifts, one of my siblings has said anything she buys won’t match up to what we buy. It was said in a very negative way and now I feel like I need to limit what I spend to stop them feeling bad. My mum will love anything any of us buy her and just wants our company.

I feel so awkward. I don’t want to upset anyone but feel like whatever we do will be wrong. I’m happy to go along with something that is affordable to everyone or to pay more to help the others. I just want my mum to have a nice day and to be able to enjoy spending time with family.

There's no real reason this should be a problem. Just suggest something fairly average but nice and let everyone else throw in their piece about it. Unless the disparity is extreme, it shouldn't be obvious and people shouldn't generally know the wealth differences that well anyway. People gift according to their means and wishes, and it shouldn't be competitive. This might reflect deeper family dynamics than wealth.

Just make some suggestions that you think your two siblings with less income could afford? And why not suggest you all club together to but a bigger present for your mum rather than individual ones? Again linking it to the two ‘less wealthy’ and what they could possible afford

Then as a separate thing how about just taking your mum out for afternoon tea one day, not necessarily for her birthday but a couple of months after?

There is a massive disparity of wealth in my family. We have a similar issue coming up; MIL wants to go on a very pricey cruise (think upwards of 3k per person) for a big birthday next year but we simply cannot afford it. She’s suggested cheaper options, but after we had a more expensive holiday abroad this year, we just won’t have the cash next year.
Dh suggested some things we COULD afford (chip in for her room/pay for a spa experience on board) but none of those are good enough options for MIL, who is insistent we come cruising. We obviously cant.
Rather than making stuff awkward, I would figure out how much I was able to spend and tell siblings “I’m going to do X for mum, if you want to chip in, that would be amazing, but only if you want.”
For my mums big birthday, my Dad asked me and my brother how much money we wanted to spend, he then bought a piece of jewellery my mum had wanted, signed it from all of us and accepted the amounts we gave him as our contribution.

That's exactly what I was going to suggest. You beat me to it.

I don’t understand why the ‘wealthier’ siblings are completely unable to think of cheaper ideas. Don’t you think it would cause issues if the less wealthy ones always have to say ‘ can’t afford that’. Don’t you see how that would make them feel bad?

We have suggested cheaper places to eat in the past and have been accused of only suggesting those places because we think they can’t afford more expensive places, but when we’ve suggested more expensive places they say not everyone is made of money. Thats how we have ended up in a situation where we just let them suggest places because we can’t win. I once suggested a really nice cafe to just have cake and coffee instead of a restaurant and got told they’re not that poor that they can’t afford a proper meal. I suggested it because it’s nice and somewhere we go regularly and cake seemed fitting for a birthday, but they took offence.

It sounds like you can’t win here. Everything you suggest is wrong for your siblings!

Assuming you are all adults, just buy your mum what you want for her birthday and let everyone else do the same. Stop trying to twist yourself into a pretzel for people who are only going to find some reason to complain.

Just take your mum out to a nice place yourselves. You don’t have to do everything as a massive group, especially if some keep making barbed comments.

How on earth can your MIL insist that you* *and your DH come cruising when you can't afford it and she isn't offering to pay? She sounds totally unreasonable. Will she fall out with you about it?

More context. If it was - we went for a £££ meal, they had already begrudgingly stretched themselves to come, at the end (admittedly infront of everyone) we offered to pay for them and they accused us of being flash.

Thats quite different to a private offer to pay.

The problem is your siblings and their attitude. Just stop trying to do things all together.

we have a disprecency in our family the wealthier one buys the gift and puts it from us all. it works for everyone.

She’s trying to start a family argument. DHs siblings are quite well off and no one can understand our position of “we don’t have the money”. It’s been suggested we get credit cards, borrow against our house, don’t send our kids on their residentials because “a holiday with Grandma will be so much better” but obviously we aren’t doing any of that.
I’ve been outright told I’m “tearing the family apart” (I’ve been married for well over 15 years and a part of the family since I was 14) and I’m to blame, despite DH saying the exact same things. She’s just being really nasty which is weird because in the last 5/6 years she calmed down hugely and stopped being so against me. It’s like a reversal again. Luckily DH is driving this - we simply cannot afford it because I’m still poorly and I cannot work as many hours as I was, simple as.

@FamilyFinances It sounds like a jealousy problem. You're never going to win.. just do your own thing & let siblings do theirs. I am equally delighted with gifts from my kids, whether it's cost a tenner or a couple of hundred. They have different circumstances, which I'm not blind to!