To think negative aspects of your own childhood influence your own parenting, like it or not?

[Fearlesssloth]

I’m wondering what aspects of your parents’ parenting, positive and negative you see in your own parenting? Is there anything that was done to you that you vowed never to do and then found yourself doing? Have you found yourself becoming more and more like one or both of your parents? Do you use your childhood as a guide to your own parenting or do you use it as a big fat ‘what not to do’ list?

My childhood had both good and bad and my parents were partly good parents and partly fucked up and did a terrible job, depending on what was going on in their own lives. Good parts were: lots of love and affection, basic needs were always met. The bad parts were: violent smacking as a v. young child by my mum, my parents’ marriage was a joke & both had multiple affairs, my mum temporarily abandoned me for a new man, my dad could be borderline emotionally abusive, aggressive and manipulative. I got the blame for everything. He was completely unable to offer emotional support or even talk about anything emotional. However, he could also be incredibly loving and kind. His parenting depended heavily on whether he was happy or unhappy.

I’ve vowed to never smack my kids and never have. I find it so annoying when boomer generation parents (mine included) say stuff like “it was done to us, so we didn’t know any different”. I know the culture around it was different to now and it was still ‘normal’ in the 80s/90s, but don’t these parents remember how horrible it was being hit as a kid? I do and I’d never lay a finger on my kids as a result, and I’m pretty confident I wouldn’t have if I was an 80s parent either. I just couldn’t do it. Some aspects of my parents’ behaviour has left scars that I notice myself trying to “make up for” in my own parenting. Eg. Never having any emotional support & not being able to talk about difficult/embarrassing things openly: I am SO open with my kids, constantly talking about periods and wet dreams and when they’ll get they’re first pube 🤣. I’d also never put a partner before my kids. I’m a single mum and currently not interested in dating but if I did get into a relationship down the line, I’d be willing to end it if my kids didn’t like the person. I’d never move them into our home unless it’s 100% what my kids wanted. It still gives me the rage the way my mum ditched me and my siblings as soon as a new man came on the scene. Anyway, sorry this has turned into a bit of a ramble. Would love to hear opinions

Purposefully and deliberately I am NOTHING whatsoever like my parents as a mother.

Had any crumb of them leached into my parenting, I would be devastated, devastated.

My kids have never known an inch of the crapness I grew up with.

My parents were loving but we were also smacked by our mum, randomly according to her moods! I think that was the difficulty really, she was quite unpredictable so what would make her laugh one day would result in a wallop the next! So you did walk on eggshells a bit. I did smack mine a few times (nothing like the wallops we used to get) but I felt so awful that I soon stopped. I've found it easy to discipline without smacking and actually talking with your kids calmly is much more effective than yelling.

The other thing I've done differently is being much more involved in their education. Neither of my parents went to University and they didn't really show much interest in our schoolwork apart from a general 'have you done your homework'? They never checked and I was very disengaged st school, left at 15 with a few O levels. With my own kids, I knew what they were studying, helped with homework, helped them revise for tests and exams and encouraged them.

Yes, purposefully and deliberately have had to overcome my childhood. I grew up in a violent and volatile household, when I was raising small children my hands literally itched to slap them/scream at them.

knew it was wrong, forced myself to over ride my programming and walk away.

I parent the exact opposite to my own parents. I made a vow I would never be like them and I have 3 well adjusted successful grown up DCs.

Whereas myself and my brother carry a lot of baggage from our childhood. Some of it was 70s parenting but the rest was what we d consider today as emotional abuse and unmet need.

It definitely has an impact.

I was hit as a child and I’ve found it so hard not to do it with my own children. There is very much a part of my brain that defaults to they aren’t listening or they haven’t done as they were told, hit them and they won’t do it again.

I don’t hit them but it very much comes from my own childhood and how I was taught to conform. Before I had them I didn’t know I’d have to put so much effort into not hitting my children.

I parent the complete opposite to my mother. She disagrees with most of my choices , but at the same time very jealous of the relationship I have with DD. I still remember the time she was 4, and I got really cross over something rather stupid. I was horrified to hear my mother coming out of my mouth, so it became an even more active choice to do things differently. I still slip at times (rarely) , because I am human and I had to unlearn A LOT of bullshit and what basically amounts to abuse. The main thing is , I apologise and explain it’s not about her or even her behaviour, but my own issues that I’m obviously not handling very well in this moment. It became more natural as years went on.

True for me. My dad was a shouty, stressed alcoholic. I am rarely shouty and not an alcoholic but I don’t deal with stress well (but better than he did admittedly). I can definitely feel it was modelled for me and became foundational in my response/regulation. I suppose I am pleased I have awareness of it and actively try to do better.

I found doing the Circle of Security parenting program, specifically the Shark Music exercise really helpful. It helps you to realise your own triggers and get to them in time before you repeat the cycle.

Of course our upbringing influences the way we parent our children, be that an absolute resolve to do things very differently or a desire to emulate parents we admire. I suspect most people have a bit of
both.

I try and replicate the good bits of how I was parented and keep out the bad bits.

one of the good things I was taught was how to be logical and plan then carry out a plan. So I used that to plan and carry out a plan of how not to be a cold emotional immature selfish parent!

I think it will be interesting to hear from my children when they are adults the bits I got right and the bits I got wrong. Already they roll their eyes at me and tell me to bog off when I try and sit them down to have a talk about their feelings. I think I may have gone too far the other way from my upbringing. Trying to peddle back on the feelings conversations !

i think my mum is jealous of my relationship with my children and really she would have liked to have mothered differently- but was a slave to my father and misogyny.

In my case it took place a generation before me. My grandma was not a good mother and my mum broke the cycle and worked hard to be a much better mum to me.

Whenever I got upset as a child my parents acted like I was doing on purpose to ruin everyone’s day, got angry and shouted at me. It got to the point where I would never talk to them about my problems, and would hide in my room to cry so that I wouldn’t get into trouble. I swore I would never shame my children for having emotions. If my son is upset he immediately comes to find me because he knows I’ll help him to feel better.

I have great parents but negative things happened to me, i left the bad in my childhood and as a parent just try and repeat the good snd change the bad from my memoriee and learn as I go

I am not a prefect parent no one is but I try and do my best

Yes, definitely. I don't always get it right and even with my oldest being 18 I still struggle with how involved to be. I know it's supposed to be more than my parents, but I don't know how much more as I'm also wary of going too far the opposite direction.

My parents were crap with money meaning there wasn't food all month long and having no dinner at the end of the month is something I have never had happen in my house. I enjoyed being aware of current affairs as a child and I try to do the same for my children.

I agree that we’re influenced but not in the same way. My parents were abusive, and we were taken into care. I’ve tried so hard to parent differently that the pendulum has swung in completely the opposite direction and that hasn’t always resulted in great parenting either. For example, because my parents were disinterested I’ve taken too much interest in my DCs which can be overbearing and I have to make a conscious effort to step back. They’ve been indulged, where I was neglected (though probably no more than many DCs these days). I can’t see any parallels between my parents’ parenting and my own.

It’s slightly terrifying how endemic poor parenting was in the 70s/80s. I wonder why? Post war trauma passed on? Ignorance?

My own parents were a classic combination of emotionally crippled, unpredictable father and apologist mother. We were scared of my dad and my mum pacified him. Even now the dynamic remains and I wonder why on earth they are together - what does she get from being controlled, bullied, humiliated?

I made it very clear when I had children that if my dad ever did anything that was inappropriate to my kids they would never see them again. He managed to hold it go together as a result - which shows that he can behave if he wants to, he just has never been held to account before.

I never brought friends home as a child because my dad was volatile and often rude to guests so I just didn’t bother. I escaped to my friends’ houses and found comfort in other people’s families. As a consequence, we are now an actively open house - anyone welcome always - as a counter to my childhood. It is so lovely, a conveyor belt of young people sitting in our kitchen. It makes me realise how sad my own upbringing was, but also what my parents missed out on themselves.

My parents were like this. The same as if you fell over and scraped your knee they’d act like you did it on purpose to ruin everyone’s day and would have the hump with you the rest of the day. I felt like I was walking on eggshells my entire childhood because of these issues.

I had average parents - mostly good with some bad. I've worked through the bad stuff and try not to do it to my own kids but it definitely leaks out when I'm particularly stressed or tired or ill. My parents were brilliant in some ways and I've tried to do that stuff too, although some of it I'm not able to do as well.

I hope when my kids grow up they can see that I did my best, even though I've definitely not been perfect.

I think many (but not all) of the older generation took a quite selfish approach to parenting. Their emotional needs often came first.

I can sum this up by my DM saying some time ago that she only ever saw her divorce as happening to her, not us.

But it wasn’t all parents then (my MIL was a wonderful mother) and it isn’t that all parents are wonderful now. It’s just that broadly we expect to emotionally give more to our children

I deliberately chose not to have children on the basis of my parents being so horrible and useless. I was devastated by how they treated me as a child and I couldn’t fathom treating a child in such a way.

My mother informed me how horrid her mother was and how she never wanted to be like her, and yet she was and couldn’t see it. This alone is enough for me not to risk it

We were dirt poor when I was a kid. We didn't have hot water or heating for a year because we couldn't afford to fix the boiler. We went nowhere. We didn't have a single branded thing ever. Everything we had and did was the cheapest possible option.

As a result, I spoil mine a bit. I love taking them out to nice places and on holiday. If there is a must have item or brand, I'll generally buy it. I'm taking DD to see Olivia Rodrigo next year. We go to a few Premier league football matches each year. This would have been beyond our wildest dreams for my siblings and I. Some of you will think this is materialistic nonsense, but it makes me really happy to give them what I couldn't have. They're great kids and not brats. They don't realise how privileged they are though.

*sorry I read it as childhood rather than parenting. I know being poor isn't parenting.

Both of my parents had really cruel streak. That is something I make sure to avoid and never emulate even though I experienced it. I’m honest but at the same time I try to consider the children in front of me as the actual people they are too.

Yes I have reacted this way too- because I always felt like the worst dressed, I now indulge my children in relation to clothes and shoes. And getting the right branded coat. I don’t want them to feel different or like I did as a child. I know other friends who have reacted in the same way, almost like an over compensation.

We weren’t poor , but me or my needs/interests weren’t a priority . I’m not just talking toys, clothes or days out, but actually basic stuff like never seeing a dentist until I was an adult and went myself, or first seeing an ophthalmologist at 14 and getting a proper pair of glasses despite struggling to see since 10.

Sadly I do equate buying things with love and being interested and engaged to a certain extent. So yeah, DD has/gets a lot of things and experiences . It makes me happy.

My mother set out to be the opposite of her mother. So she ended up cold, unengaged, but not violent or controlling.
I try to be a decent, involved and interested parent.