AIBU regarding MIL and DD phone

[Moodymaree]

We have just today got DD a phone as she will be travelling alone for secondary school. I’m worried MIL will now use this as a perfect way to keep hounding us and her. For context MIL is very very controlling and clingy. I’ll give the short version but people on here for a while will remember me from 11 years ago as I was a frequent user of AIBU then - MIL walked into delivery room during DD’s birth and yanked her off me! Midwife had to intervene and tell DH the idiot who also tried to bring his dad post birth into the room whilst I was naked and having skin to skin with my baby. They didn’t leave us alone and we lived 2 streets down from them and she would walk into our home SEVERAL times a day without knocking and just grab DD off me. She had a spare key do would just walk in if I locked door. She would then complain that I shouldn’t lock door during the day as she needs to just come in and see DD (she used to get offended if I locked the door) she would just sneak up on me multiple times a day and just grab DD without even a hello to me. I was young and possibly depressed so I let her. She also kept having a go at me to have an another baby quickly as she wants a grandson next time to carry on the family name!

she made my life hell and I finally lost it on DD’s first birthday at which the whole of his family called me crazy.

Fast forward I managed to get DH to move 20 minutes from them so she comes by less now. But issue is he’s already telling DD grandma will be happy you got a phone now so she can call and message you. I know what type of woman MIL is so I am not overthinking but I want to be prepared, I’ve told DH that DD will only use phone when travelling to school and rest of time it will stay with me so to let his mum know. He’s not happy about that because he feels his mum can contact DD whenever she feels like it, again I know this woman it will be multiple times a day she will keep calling and messaging her. She will also pass DD’s phone number to every single relative! I know the others won’t call as they seem a bit more normal but I’m trying to think ahead what problems she will cause.

Do not under estimate the amount of time kids/teenagers put you on mute or cannot take your call at the moment and they don't have a gram of guilt doing it.

Your DH is a huge part of the problem. I would find it hard to forgive his response following your daughter's birth. Huge red flag from all.
Who told your MIL your daughter has a phone and why was she told? Yet again your DH is not supporting you. Has this been a pattern through the years and if so why have strict boundaries not been put in place and enforced. You need to deal with this now before it escalates again.

Agree your DH needs to support you or it won’t work. I had similar (though not quite as extreme) and knew I didn’t want my MiL to have DDs number as she’d send messages like she does to my DH trying to guilt trip them into visits (we see her a LOT). I wasn’t having my DD experiencing that. At first we avoided telling mil about the phone then when it slipped we quickly said it was for traveling for school and changed the subject. Utterly refused or engage with her and have two years down the line still not shared DDs number. I’m sure she is furious but when she sends DH texts that she wants to shoot herself because we can’t visit today (this was last night and we saw her four days ago so hasn’t been months) then I’m standing firm in protecting DD from similar direct contact. Don’t cave.

I don’t understand all the grabbing, you didn’t need to allow it.

But either way, your daughter will soon start ignoring texts and calls she doesn’t want to take.

I’d leave that to sort itself naturally.

Under no circumstances should she be given her number if she is that batshit.

What's the problem with her contacting your DD? I'm sure she can ignore calls and messages if she wants to. It comes easy to many people. If she's not able to manage that it's probably best she doesn't have a phone at all. Kids send multiple messages and calls to each other every day, they can be very distracting and also a tool for bullying, so if your DD isn't ready to manage her own grandmother's calls, she is not ready for a phone.

Sod that! Block MIL's number on DD's phone

In the past 11 or so years what has your DH done to manage this relationship?

Can you block MiL number? She can't be calling her all the time while she is at school and if you have the phone while she is at home, just turn it off. Hopefully if her calls are never answered she will give up.

@Moodymaree Block her number on DD's phone! And Fils as well. You need to keep that unhinged lady away from your dd. Also tell your dd that she's not obliged to talk to anyone and she can just let it ring if she doesn't recognise the number.

You don't have to give her DD's number, you know. Talk to DD about it and maybe... don't?

This is excellent advice. Block the number and if she kicks up a stink, tell her the only calls she can take are yours and her dad’s. Then change the subject. Rinse and repeat as many times as needed.

This is a dh problem.
Grandma doesn't need to know about the phone.

Your DH sounds pathetic. I can’t believe he’s let his parents dominate your life so much. Big deal moving 20 mins away… I’d be on a one way ticket to Australia. They sound absolutely nuts.

Why are you still married to your husband? He sounds like an absolute pillock.

You need to get some boundaries, urgently.

Sorry but what has your DH done in all these years to sort this behaviour?

The delivery room situation is disgusting!

You have a dh problem. And until that’s sorted, you will have issues with his mother.

How did he react when dd was tiny? Has he helped the situation at all? Is he enmeshed in FOG?

My nice, polite, very well-mannered 12yo had absolutely no phone etiquette when she got her phone - when I was checking it, I had to tell her she had to respond to various grandparents and with more than ‘k’. The grandparent she ignored the most was the one bombarding her with memes. I’m not downplaying the wider problem, but it’s very likely your DD just won’t engage with your MIL.

Why did MIL need to know she has a phone?
Or her number?
Block MIL’s number on the phone.

Block the number and tell her that as DD is so young you’ve set her phone up/got a contract as she is so young where she can only have contact with you. My parents would believe this.

Dont buy her a phone yet. If you deem it safe enough for her to walk to school she doesnt need a phone. Problem solved for a while.

You do realise that your DD can block her number don’t you?