Brother in abusive relationship

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This is a really strange one but I feel like I need an outsiders opinion. My brother is in an abusive relationship, he’s been with her for about 15years and won’t leave even after much persuasion, they have two children together. For a bit of background SIL has put one of her children in hospital about 4years ago, she’s very volatile she seems to only like her DD my niece and won’t let my brother do anything outside of the house even with me his sister, he’s allowed to visit my parents house, but she gets to go out whenever she wants. He does All child care, all cooking and all cleaning she does nothing but sits on her phone. They both work.

The problem, my brother took his son aged 7 for a haircut but didn’t know where to get my nieces hair cut, her hair is so long she’s never had a hair cut in her entire life, it’s all knotty and unkempt. My brother asked me to cut my nieces hair at my parent’s house. I cut her hair, I was under strict instructions to only cut 3inches I did exactly as I was told. My SIL has gone crazy at my brother apparently I have no clue why? But instead of giving her the truth he’s told her I just took my niece and cut her hair without him knowing! I understand he didn’t want her to blow up so has taken the easy route out by blaming me, All the family knows this is a lie. I really don’t like the thought of her thinking I’d do something like that and the children have been told to lie which is awful, so I want the truth to come out but I don’t want my brother to get hurt! My mum thinks I should only say something if she confronts me and my Dad think I should lie for my brother.

All this over a stupid hair cut! What should I do, I’ll admit that I’m scared of her, my parents won’t fall out with her even after everything as they think they are protecting their grandchildren and my brother won’t leave because then she’ll have the kids alone when it’s her turn to have them and he doesn’t want to put them in harms way, at least this way he can protect their grandchildren kids.

You cover up for your brother. Hopefully when the children are older, he will find the strength to leave.

For a bit of background SIL has put one of her children in hospital about 4years ago, she’s very volatile

Do you mean she violently assaulted one of her children to the point they needed hospital treatment?

Does she assault your brother? Are you frightened she'll assault you over the hair? How often do you see her? It's no good you lying for your brother if she turns round and wallops you instead.

How old is your niece? I think I’d probably cover for him, if only so that he and niece don’t bear the brunt. And to show DB that you’ll always have his back. Perhaps it might help friend thebstrength to leave, knowing that you’ll be there for him.

Surely SS are involved in SIL put her DD in hospital?

She put a child in hospital? Surely you need to report her to social services!

Um no! You get social services involved as this woman has apparently attacked her own child and is being coercively controlling towards the brother. Would you say this if it were an abusive man?

Let’s reverse this for a hot minute. If this was your sister and you were scared for her, you would lie for her in a heartbeat. The only reason there is any hesitation is because woman vs man domestic abuse is seen differently. Try and get your DB and the kids some assistance long term - reach out to a charity for some direction.

Yes, she threw him at a wall, SS were called but nothing was ever done.

My niece is four, her hair was so long way past her bottom. I know I don’t need to be scared of her as I know she won’t physically hurt me she’s just really forceful. My husband would tell her straight as he’s no time for her but she’ll corner me when I’m alone. I usually wouldn’t bump into her but it’s my son’s party next week, hopefully she won’t turn up!

SS were called and nothing was done, we were very shocked!

This is very worrying indeed. What does the rest of the family think? I would be taking screenshots of any conversations with your DB that raise alarm bells and taking them to SS and asking for someone else to review the case.

We’ve tried to get him to leave but he says he won’t risk the kids being alone with her, he’s got it into his head that because she’s a women the court will say she gets the kids, even though i doubt she’d even want them both, I think she’d only want her DD or I think she’d take them to punish him.

I'd report her to Social Services right now! Her behaviour is going to be very distressing and destructive to the DCs life.
She will project her unpredictable behaviour onto their little minds and they will grow to be unstable adults.
Definitely report. She's physically and coercively abusive. Not to mention emotional abuse and controlling your DB.
She sounds like an absolute nightmare

If it was four years later, yes I would. Unfortunately the brother isn't ready to leave. He won't get the children full time, so he's staying. The OP will only get herself cut off, if she goes in all guns blazing and that won't benefit anyone. I would give the same advice if the sexes were reversed, even more so, because there'd be a good chance a woman would end up dead, under these circumstances.

And the police! BIL might be classed as a vulnerable adult, but the kids certainly shouldn't be near someone like this unsupervised.

I would re contact SS anonymously to say that there is ongoing domestic abuse in the home.