To think my mum is holding my brother back and I didn’t overstep?

[Jaders]

Hi all, need some advise or outside opinions

I have a younger brother, he's 16 and will be 17 soon . We don't have the same dad and his dad isn't in his life and hasn't ever been so it's just my mum and brother at home

He's autistic, has ARFID and a learning difficulty, he's not in education and hasn’t been since he was about 7 and prior to that he missed alot of school due to him picking up everything according to my mum (which may have been true).

Over time he stopped eating his safe foods and would eat very little then nothing at all, he was extremely underweight and he seemed unwell and exhausted all the time. In the end he got a feeding tube, this was about 18 months ago and there has been such a change in him

Mum doesn't let anyone else have him (but complains it's her doing everything), she occasionally brings him here but other than that neither of them leave the house and I do feel quite sad for my brother tbh.

About a month ago he and mum came over and I had baked paw patrol cupcakes with my DC, he was interested in them so I gave him one not expecting much but he actually ate some of the sponge. I could tell my mum wasn't pleased though

Then yesterday I had him for a few hours, my mum expected that we’d be at mine (i didn’t ever say this though) but we went for a walk and then to a little cafe, DC had a kids meal pack (sandwich/snack and a carton of juice) and my brother wanted one too, I didn’t pressure him he asked, he ate just the cheese off of the sandwich but that was still a good thing, he drank his juice but didn’t want the bear yo-yo which was absolutely fine

When my mum came to pick him up she didn’t seem pleased but didn’t say anything at the time until later on when she messaged and said she was unhappy i took him out without her permission and the fact he ate food, she mentioned how overwhelmed he gets over people eating in places like cafes (he was fine and not overwhelmed or upset in anyway and then when we got back to the car he said his day was great), she said I shouldn’t have gone behind her back and that she was unhappy at me overstepping

I’m wondering if I did overstep? I feel like my mum is potentially holding him back but AIBU? and WIBU for taking him out?

YANBU. This sounds quite sinister, like munchausens by proxy?

Well you didn't force him, he simply wanted what your kids were having.

Oh please advocate for yourself brother. It's fantastic that he willingly tried things of his own volition. Even if he doesn't eat things but still tries them without being forced, that's really good for his mental health.

It sounds like your mother is holding him back though

I wish you would contact Social Services - your brother needs to be rescued from your mother I think.

Yeah thats not good. You need to get him out and about more. And putting different foods infront off him. He is obviously interested in trying new things. And going places.
She sounds like she wants to keep him fully dependent on her.
Thats a very tricky situation because it can be seen as abuse . Even if in her head she has good intentions.
I would speak to her and be very frank. And if nothing good comes off it get some advice from social services.

What a difficult situation
id tell your mother you’re making a referral to social services as you are concerned - she has she responds and then encourage her to work with you.
does your mother have mental health issues?

I think sometimes people can get used to things the way they are and simply assume they’re going to be that way forever. But all people, including people with autism, do change overtime. Life is long and he is still a teenager which means that he is still developing even if it looks different to what other teenagers go through. I think that what you’ve done has probably proved really positive for him, but is probably a bit challenging for your mum if she’s just been imagining he’ll stay exactly as he is forever. It would be good if he was given some more opportunities, particularly ones that don’t intend to change him he just gets to rock along with them.

Yes, this would worry me too. It does sound like your mother is deliberately keeping him ill or even making him ill. I would gather evidence and then contact social services because it is her word vs your word and if it is munchausen, there will be coercive control so your brother will say whatever your mother tells him to say if questioned until he is free of her influence.

He really should be getting a lot of support anyway. Especially with having learning difficulties. I have a autistic virtually non verbal child who we try to get as much help as possible with. In terms of groups/places we can take them to socialise and do activities. We have a fab organisation near us who do work experience for autistic teens/young adults. They have 1 on 1 care and all very safe.

"Hi mum. I would never do anything to Dbro that he didn't want or would be too much for him. Think he felt confident being around the kids to try something new! It's great he was giving eating food a go, it has been difficult with his feeding tube especially on you, so at least if he starts eating more it gives you a break now and obviously great for his independence and health.

Don't you trust me with brother? I had eyes on him at all times and he said he had a nice time.

Would love to spend more time with him again and the kids how about next Sunday morning drop him round for lunch and a walk to park."

U should get in contact with local sen groups etc there's alternative education providers. I work for one! We do things like maths and english etc but also education around being safe with money, travel training etc for young ppl who can't be in mainstream.

It sounds like your mum is making him
worse. You should get social services involved.

This sounds quite an abusive controlling relationship between your mum and brother. She may be just over protective given his health and other needs. However I’d be worried about your brother. It sounds as if he wants to try new foods and go out but isn’t allowed. No 16 yo should live like that (even if he has health needs and cannot go out by himself). I don’t think you’re overstepping. However it does appear if you want to change anything, your mum will not be happy. It might be difficult to intervene without upsetting your mum. I agree with @Notmycircusnotmyotterit does sound quite sinister and like munchausens by proxy. If you go through social services, clearly your mum wouldn’t be happy and likely know it was you that said something to them. It’s a difficult situation. I feel sorry for your brother. A lot of teens are quite happy being inside gaming and the like, but perhaps not in your brother’s case. Everybody needs exercise and fresh air. I’m sure eating food is much better than a feeding tube too! Good luck.

I think that it’s quite common that people with Arfid who get a feeding tube show an increased appetite and interest in food. My guess is that it’s a combination of the pressure having reduced (because no one is pushing him to eat) and their bodies working better because they’re a healthier weight.

So, it might be that your mum is anticipating a level of stress / meltdown which would have genuinely been likely a year ago but which isn’t happening now.

This sounds abusive.

Is you mum claiming benefits like PIP and carers allowance for him?

It's like she actively wants him to have these difficulties, and is displeased you are showing that actually he would like to do some normal things?

My son is also autistic and has ARFID and I would be delighted if he tried any new food. It's great that you're offering your brother these opportunities and that he feels safe enough to try new things when he's with you. Maybe your mum has become used to the way things have been and is feeling threatened or undermined by what's happened.

Keep offering support and opportunities to your brother. It's good for him.

Your mother is hindering your brother’s wellness. He made progress with you in such a short space of time - that’s fantastic. Speak up now and speak loud.

Nobody will be 'rescuing' him from his main carer and attachment figure on this basis. She needs support to let go and foster his independence, not having her son removed from her care!

Yes, this. It’s clear he felt comfortable enough to try new things in a low-pressure environment, which is great. How severe is his learning difficulty? I ask because some of the language suggests someone with a very young intellectual age, but it’s not entirely clear. I suppose my question is about what his future looks like, eating issues aside?

Yanbu - I do feel for your mum though as it sounds like shes trying her best and maybe feels like people think shes failing him

It really is exhausting and despite her being seemingly depressed herself, shs is trying to be a good mum to her son

Not sure what to advise but he does need more food made available to him - and maybe spending time with his nieces and nephews is helping! More of that, but also kindness to your mum x

Your mother sounds very controlling around your brother
It's heading for disaster if she ever needs to go into hospital or is no longer able to look after him
And your brother will need carers and of course "none of those carers do it right"
Etc
When they actually can't do it your mums way because of safety etc

This. I think anything that’s seen as combative will lead her to withdrawing access to brother.

Following for advice, similar situation with my mum and brother.

Your DM talks about not having permission to take your DB out so I'd play this carefully Op, he's still very much a child in her eyes even though he's not that far off 18. Being with your DC seems to help your brother so I'd encourage his visits and then take him out, if your DM complains tell her he wanted to go and you don't like to disappoint him.
Quite often parents find it hard to accept their kids are growing up, in this case it must be doubly hard because your DM is very protective of him and his disabilities

First thing that came to my mind.

A relative through marriage kept insisting that her son had various ailments plus learning challenges. Now, the boy was born prematurely and he did get a diagnosis of Asperger's and ADHD. However, no one else ever saw the other difficulties that the mother claimed were there.

The relative managed to get the boy into the Special Education Department of a school where pupils from that department participated in some mainstream classes with support.

The boy eventually was only nominally a pupil in the Special Education Department, and was educated full time in the mainstream part of the school. He studied Electrical Engineering at college.

There's no doubt about the Asperger's and ADHD - it runs in our family - but he was not the sickly child that his mother claimed. After he went to college, his mother constantly had ailments. (She variously claimed to have a brain tumour, a stroke...)

The son saved up, bought his own home and is now happily married.