AIBU to worry about holding my autistic daughter's back in terms of independence before secondary?

[AnonMama87]

DD10 is going into y6 on Monday, secondary a year later.
She is bright, academically able and has good friends in her class who have mostly known each other since nursery.
She is also autistic and both young in her year and emotionally and socially immature.

She doesn't have a phone (yet) and doesn't go out with friends, doesn't go to friends houses for tea or playdates (doesn't feel comfortable and doesn't like the smell of unfamiliar home environments) let alone sleepovers.

She hasn't seen or spoken to any friends over the holidays and hasn't asked to.

She doesn't really speak to people she doesn't know, at clubs/groups or in shops for example she will point or give a small nod or shake but will 95% of the time refuse to speak. She has had weekly 1:1 SEN swimming lessons for years and still barely ever says a word to her teacher.

She doesn't talk to her cousins or grandparents on her dad's side. Outside of school, she really only talks to my mum, DS13, me and DH.

She does talk to teachers and friends at school and is confident and often argumentative there, so much so that they can hardly believe how shy she is elsewhere! This does, however, come with meltdowns and emotional dysregulation (which we DO see at home).

Positive things this summer:

• She has asked to start walking home from school on her own. (I haven't agreed yet,.as I worry about if she needed to ask for help. There is also a busy road to cross and if she's dysregulated I worry she would not think about safety.)
• She has been out to the corner shop and bought a magazine by herself (didn't speak).
• She has also gone to an ice-cream stall on holiday and ordered herself and her brother and ice-cream without support. Which involved saying the flavours to the server.

I want to continue to boost her confidence and chance of being more independent before secondary. She will have to walk herself there (DS has said he'll walk with her at first but not always long term).

She has school camp in a month.. which scares me enough! She wants a phone for Christmas which also scares me.

So, should I bite the bullet and let her walk home?

Does she need a mobile phone?

Am I holding her back??

At het age, you absolutely need to support her independence and take steps towards the imminent transition to secondary school.
DS walking to school with her in the short term sounds like a really good plan.

1. Go with walking - she's asked to do it. She needs to learn before high school otherwise it sets her up for ridicule.

2. Mobile phone - honestly unless she has a close friend whose parents you trust and they are on the same page on restrictions as you - no. DS has a phone and has really young for certain apps and tasks (Duolingo for example) but we've been really strict with it. Yr6 was a nightmare for phone issues for a lot of his peers and there was inappropriate content and lots of bullying. I wouldn't recommend a phone without a lot of management and oversight.

DS has his two best mates on it but he can't add apps without approval and he can't join WhatsApp groups without approval. He's just started high school. He doesn't take his phone to school. There were apparently five in his class of 31 without a phone.

3. yr6 is a long year and they change and grow up A LOT. They are different kids by the end. Keep this in mind. At the start of yr6 they are still primary kids. By midway through yr6 they often have had enough of it and are ready for High school. Even the ones who have additional needs.

4. re residential - the purpose of residential is precisely to encourage independence and give the kids the opportunity to do things away from parents who might be anxious. The anxiety of parents is a massive thing that impacts the kids. Given time away from that environment and shown what they can do rather than constantly being told they can't is a good thing. Embrace it. Go with it. Remember her ability and your anxieties about her abilities are not necessarily the same thing.

5. which clubs does she go to? Have you considered scouts as it's ethos is about building independence. DH has an explorer (14-18 year old age group) who is selectively mute and has really benefited from it. Theyve thrived on the activity and confidence despite being super shy.

6. focus on what she CAN do, not what she CAN'T. This is massive in terms of what it can do for her confidence. Don't underestimate her. If she is doing tasks without speaking she is still managing to do those tasks. She's not failing. She's achieving in her own way with her own limitations.

Read up on situational mutism and get a SALT referral.

My son had/ has this and it takes support to be able to speak in more situations. The big thing is not to make a fuss when she does talk to strangers / people she struggles to speak to. I know it’s hard.

It can come and go as well. It’s something that needs consistent practice and work.

She sounds quite able therefore you should definitely support her to become more independent. It is good for her confidence and will help her take steps that will stand her in good stead before high school.

We were fortunate that we lived on the same road as his primary school and he was walking along from start of Y5. He was one of the first in his year and felt very grown up.

He now gets the bus (normal commuter bus) to and from school and goes to the shop/McDonald’s etc alone and with friends. He also has a debit card and control over how he spends pocket money.

He has come on a great deal and he went on two residentials last year too.

The only thing I’d say is no to the phone as primary is too young imo. My son doesn’t have one yet - we will get one in the coming weeks as he’s started Y9 but ALL the bullying and friendship issues have a WhatsApp component which we have completely avoided.

Good luck - it’s scary but it’s best to start earlier so it’s not a shock later.

Sorry - in case it wasn’t clear my son has ASD - he’s in a special school.

She's ready. She's asking. Go with it.

I would let her walk and get her a basic phone just so she can phone or text a trusted adult if a problem arises on the walk home, especially if she has trouble asking others for help. I would also start practicing the walk to secondary school once her place is confirmed so you have plenty of time before she starts yr 7 and it will be one less thing to worry about

She sounds like she is getting on really well. Can you do the walk home with her a couple of times to point out any tricky spots? Im sure she will continue to flourish at her own pace and the fact she has asked is a sign she wants to do more which is as it should be.

Do you have any support for her? We got a therapist/psychologist for my asd son and she really helped with his confidence when he moved school, she had lots of great techniques and tools he could use to understand and manage things and she helped him plan it out from the uniform, through to making friends and meeting new teachers. Can you get a referral for speech and language therapy to support her communication skills? I wonder if she needs a bit of a pathway to secondary with small goals/targets along the way that you can help her with (e.g. going to The shop - done! Walking to school halfway etc etc) to build up to some of the big ticket items. If she is keen to walk, start by meeting her somewhere on the journey and also role play scenarios (if she's confident at school can she ask the school receptionist of she isn't feeling settled enough to walk home that day etc, if someone approaches her what should she do if she can't speak)

I'd not personally have a phone until you absolutely need her to have one.

When it comes closer to the time, I'd work with the parents of friends she has already going to the same school - they'll all be nervous and it'll be beneficial to see if they can walk up together etc. Or make a plan for break time on the first day.
I'd also speak to the secondary asap and see what additional transition support they can offer. We are private so appreciate it's different but we had private tours, he could meet his teachers in advance, join a lunchtime club beforehand, explore the send provision area and where he could go when stressed etc. It really helped prepare him.
With residential we worked with the school and had a plan to get him if needed, they helped him manage regulation wise and provided extra help - they often surprise you! Could you look at her just doing days and coming home at night if she can't face overnights, or could she do a shorter version with just 1 night away - I'd explore options based on what she wants/feels comfortable with, if she wants to go for it let her but have a member of staff lined up to contact you and support her.
It's a really hard balance, knowing they need extra support but also wanting them to be independent!

I thought this.

There's a useful charity called Smira. Have a look and see if anything rings a bell.

Information for Parents - SMIRA https://share.google/gMNMkJ5XOVjPskPuP

My ex step daughter is very similar. Does not speak only to some friends and my daughter. She's about to be 21 and the only life she has is watching her friends and my daughter live theirs. Please help her now so she can live. Parents don't live forever. It breaks my heart seeing this girl who should be in the prime of her life having no life. Sadly it was easier for her parents to not bother. It's heart breaking because it didn't have to be this way.

Phone aside (I also have a child entering year 6 and am putting this off for as long as possible as it’s so difficult to police and a completely different world to when we were younger), I would give her as much independence as she is asking for to allow her to gain confidence.

You could do half the school walk with her at first, holding back when she is going over the road, to judge how she’s getting on and ease you both into it. But I do think it’d be much better to start this when her school environment is so settled and comfortable, it would be worse to start doing it when she may be stressed with the new school stuff.

I would find reasons for her to keep buying things or being in similar situations. The ice cream one shows she’s capable of speaking when needed so it’ll be good to stretch that a little and maybe find where her hard boundaries are. It’s fine that her preference is not speaking but would be helpful for both of you to see how much she could do.

School camp is a fantastic way to build independence and I think it’s more the parents who are shocked at how well the kids typically cope. Again, much better to do this with the kids and teachers she’s comfortable with while she has the opportunity.

It can be hard to let go knowing that they may struggle or even fail, but she sounds ready to open her world a little. Best of luck to you both!

Does she have an EHCP? I would guess she’s going to need a TON of support in secondary.