AIBU to drop friends from school in my 40s

[bunny6767]

I am friends with two women and have been since I was 11. I don’t know what has happened over the last couple of years but I am really on the verge of needing to cut them out. They aren’t bad people and I’m in no way better than them but we just aren’t on the same paths anymore.

One has become an obsessive feminist to the point every time I speak to her about small gripes with my husband she goes on a three day text rant about how I should leave him. If I ask her to stop she says she how he’s controlling you??? It’s really weird for me.

The other has just never grown up. Again I’m not looking down my nose it’s just a factual statement.

We have a group chat on WhatsApp and they both text all day everyday. If I’m busy at work I’ll get constant messages asking if I’m ok and why I’m not replying. The messages are like reading my teenagers WhatsApp’s.

i feel awful but we don’t have any new things we are doing it’s all chat about people from school and things we did when we were younger. I have other friends I do not have this issue with.

I dread texts and meet up requests with these two now as I come away feeling like a 19 year old to be honest.

AIBU to just slowly fade contact. Nothing fundamental has happened so I’m really confused.

No YANBU. People do grow apart. Will you be able to fade away quietly though? Maybe start by saying you will not be able to text during the work day and mute their chat. That might set things in motion.

It’s a shame to tally lose such longstanding friends, but I can see why you’d need to step back.

Can you tell them that you’re going to be very busy for a while, you’ll prob only check messages once a day so don’t worry if they don’t hear from you, and then gradually start leaving longer between your replies?

Sometimes you can reduce contact and sort of reset expectations, and that might let you keep the friendship just at a lower level.

I honestly don’t want it anymore, it’s bringing nothing to my life and I feel I’m bringing nothing to theirs to be honest x

Drifted from some school friends in my 40s. They are nice enough but no way would have befriended them if I met them now.

This is exactly how I feel and I feel awful for it x

I’d say it’s normal for people to change over the years. Just don’t reply on the group WhatsApp for a while and then when you do, say “sorry ladies, life is really busy at the moment” etc, and just slowly fade yourself out. Are you likely to run into them locally?

YANBU people grow apart and sometimes old friends can’t see you for how you are now.

I can totally understand that, and have dropped various friendships over the years when they weren’t bringing anything to my life.

The only advice I can give you (from my lofty more experienced age in my 50s, looking back on my 40s!) is that in a couple of cases I regret it. I wouldn’t want to be in regular contact, but I would like to check in every now and then and know what’s going on with them.

So that’s why I now favour gently reducing contact to a level that works for me, and trying not to officially “fall out” with people. The difficulty is that some people won’t accept that reduction without a lot of drama/angst, and actually maybe if your friends are hassling you in work they may be more that type of person!

But I definitely wouldn’t feel guilty about it. Relationships wax and wane over time, and whether you decide to cut them off or just try and reduce contact you are fully entitled to choose how to spend your time and who to spend it with!

This is the issue. They don’t leave off at all. So I think it needs to be cut and shut. Another one of our friends did this a few years ago with us all to prioritise her marriage due to constant comments and I finally am understanding why she did it.

Why is the feminist saying this and why are you still telling her this stuff knowing what she’s like?
first I would consider if she’s right. Then I would friendly ghost.
the other one why is this a problem? Don’t you want a fun friend to let off steam with every now and then?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all if you don’t enjoy their company and dread meeting up what is the point mute the group chat so it’s not bugging you all the time and just fade in to the background if they start pushing for a meet up and you don’t want to be blunt with them then you are busy with the kids, work, family they will stop asking in time
Don't feel bad about it OP I have school friends on social media but I’m not close to any of them we are all very different now and have very different lives and I couldn’t cope with a “friend” constantly telling me to leave my DH. Free yourself from them honestly you will wonder why you didn’t do it earlier

I would just slowly fade contact. Don’t cut them out just do you have time for this?

Some people get obsessed with an idea and a point of view. I worked for a lovely lady who I enjoyed working for, we loved gardening together and talking about life. Then she got involved with local politics...she thought that their view was always correct, could never accept a different point of view could exist on the most mundane of situations. She was banned from taking out freedom of information requests from the local authority because she did so many ridiculous ones and accused the sitting councillors of corruption... when she gained a seat she thought anyone who questioned her was a bully...

So people change, and you have every right to say no, it's no longer for me. It's sad but someone who questions everything about your relationship and someone who's stayed 15 can be bloody annoying

You don’t need to drop them totally just put some boundaries in place, say that you’re trying to consciously stay off your phone so you’re leaving WhatsApp chats

Sometimes with friends you realise the only thing that connects you is history.
You are all different people now.
Its ok.
It happens.
Becoming less available can work.

Time to commence ghosting and fading away
life is to short
switch onto privacy mode on WhatsApp so they can’t see you are online ever
I am age 54 and have left a lot of friendships now as people change
for me my priorities dramatically changed when my daughter got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes age nine in 2015 and she was very unwell
I had no time or energy for friends dramas so they got ghosted - I don’t miss any of them
my daughter is age 20 now

Someone mentioned you should 'friendly ghost' - never heard that one before, it it like Casper!?

Might suggest you could make sure you have other friends to fall back on, or forward onto, as if you're used to friendships, the absence of them can still leave a hole in your life. It's easy to end a situation rather than start one, like digging up weeds in the garden but not quite knowing what to replace them with.

Or could you concentrate on shared activities instead? People just talking all the time and not doing are more likely to fall out.

Otherwise I agree with the woman in her 50s upstream giving advice to someone in their 40s.