I’ve become a pathetic shell of myself but I still can’t leave

[aloneandlonelytoday]

I feel so incredibly lonely. I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 3 years. It moved very quickly, and I genuinely felt like I’d met my partner for life. He was warm and we just clicked. I moved 2 hours to be with him and moved in with him after 4 months (stupid I know).

Things just crept up on me quite slowly. I had sepsis in December 2024 and I was hospitalised for a few days and then told to rest completely when I got home. My partner began telling me he was lonely and missed adult connection during this time. He flipped just before new years and said “the world doesn’t fucking stop because you had sepsis” and that I was a hypochondriac.

Other things have just bubbled up over time and I feel like it’s the norm now. My partner has a foul temper and throws things when he’s angry, has smashed up his possessions and there’s holes in our walls.

I’m a very sensitive and social person. I love spending time with him and express upset when he doesn’t spend time with me, eg if he says he’ll be back from the gym at 8 but gets back at 930, I tell him I’d rather he let me know. Or if we have a few day off together I like to spend time with him but he’d rather be doing his hobbies or whatever. He’s called me needy, pathetic, overly sensitive, twisted, deluded etc etc. the one that sticks out to me is that I “need my fucking hand holding throughout life”.

He says his anger is like my crying. So if he shouts or breaks stuff, he says that’s his version of upset and I can’t complain about it. He’s not hit me, but he’s grabbed me before and blocked me leaving rooms.

He turns anything I say against me. I feel like I can’t say anything without it being wrong. He’ll say he only shouts at me and not other people because I fucking piss him off/im the only person who makes him angry.

He utterly acts like he hates me at times. He says that I have no interests (I do) and maybe I would be happier and get off his back if I did.

Messages to other women but being “friendly” and no overt flirting.

Just a list full of things really, I’ve forgotten a lot of it. He can be nice too, and we still can laugh but there’s no depth to anything. I told him I was approaching burnout a few weeks ago and he didn’t say anything and hasn’t mentioned anything since

I’ve found myself going after work (I don’t drive) to shopping centres, just walking around, having a coffee and generally being a pathetic billy no mates because I don’t want to have to go home because I feel like i need “a life”. Everyday I drift through just to get to sleep.

Why can’t I leave him? Why can’t I stand up for myself? He’s obviously not happy with me, and it’s destroying my mental health.

He is abusive. Do you know why you can't seem to leave?

I just feel paralysed I can’t even articulate it. I know I can leave but I just get through the day. I’ve started telling my family about the things he does, maybe that’s a positive step

You are codependent, and need to realise you are perfectly ok by yourself and deserving of respect just for being you, and do not need anybody else to validate you - much less throw stuff and call you names.

Until you realise and accept that, your relationships will continue to be shit, because you'll keep tolerating the intolerable.

Therapy might help but idk, depends on the therapist.

What is stopping you from leaving?

Love, read your op back to yourself and imagine your daughter or sister was describing this as their life. What would you tell them to do and how would you feel if they didn't take your advice?

He is abusive and you need to leave, it is good you have seen that. Can you move back to where you were before,

You CAN leave op. He has made you feel like you can't because he is an abusive arse. He isn't the Oracle and he doesn't know you at all, you are strong and can stand up for yourself.
However. I would advise leaving when he is out. Don't have a confrontation as it could be dangerous for you.
Speak to womens aid. They aren't fab but they helped me.
You can DO IT!

It’s a very positive step to tell people what’s actually going on. Please keep talking to them. His behaviour sounds really bad.

If you don't have children with him / aren't financially dependent on him you are blessed.
L.E.A.V.E.

Have you contacted women’s aid for support ? They’ll help you make a plan to leave.
he sounds angry and violent and abusive

It’s good you’ve started telling people and that along with this post is your brain taking the first step in leaving.

Now you’ve planted this seed in your mind let it grow. Start making a plan about how you’re going to leave, where you will go and importantly make sure that you’re safe. Get some advice from charities if you need to as he sounds violent. Get your plan together and then talk it through with someone to make sure you’ve thought of everything.

Trust me. This is the first step ! Well done

firstly we lie to ourselves that it’s not that bad, we lie to others to protect ourselves from them finding out he’s a dud, from embarrassment or humiliation probably

what you’re doing now is being truthful to yourself and to others

next you’ll be able to work up the courage to look for a way out, then you’ll leave

what you absolutely do need to know is that the anticipation of the fear of leaving him is a million times bigger in your head than it actually is.

on the other side of this, you’ll wonder what kept you. You’ll be angry with yourself and you’ll feel silly.

but you’ll be out.

when will you feel better? In DAYS!

your air will be that bit fresher, you’ll breathe better, sleep better, feel better.

i was you. I’m literally living my best life now, and you too can live yours

but not until you leave him.

remember HE LET YOU DOWN, he tricked you and failed you. This isn’t your fault

I haven't caught any of your other threads but I'll try it this way, he'll either cheat and leave or he'll kill you. He's really done a number on you hasn't he? Mine said a similar thing, "You just can't manage on your own, can you?" So I let him stay and humiliate me until he was done.

Think of it that your mind and body are fighting his poison, you are going to need to be strong to get yourself out before the poison beats you.

You WILL be devastated at first, you will pine, you will bargain with yourself and you will howl to the carpet at times but being away from will be much better in the long run.

This is about self respect.

This is where language can be surprisingly powerful. You say you "can't leave" which puts you in a position of weakness. There isn't anything to indicate that you can't - you are not financially dependent on him, you are not immobile, he is not physically present with you every minute of every day. So you objectively CAN leave.
Instead, when you think about it reframe it as "I won't leave". You can but you won't which will teach your brain that you are simply making a choice. Not right away, but over time. And, eventually, you will realise that you can make a different choice.

The advantage of the fact that you moved two hours to be with him is that when you move back you can leave this period of time behind you and you won't be bumping into him etc. Maybe you could start looking at jobs, flats etc and coming up with a plan in preparation? So that you start training your brain for the time that you leave.