AIBU to prefer doing school pick-up myself when I can?

[Ashottoremember]

We have a DS, 5, who is mildly disabled. I'm having a bit of internal conflict about childcare and whether I should be asking for more help from family. I absolutely love looking after DS and I very rarely ask for anyone to babysit. He is my only son and I truly cherish the time with him, watching him grow, and just generally being there for him even during the hard bits! He has recently started school and inevitably there will be times that we need family help to do drop off and pick up around us working. It's not very often as I work part time and can do days at home and nip away for the school run. I also mentioned that he's disabled - there's often times hand overs from school with important information from the day that I prefer just to hear first hand.

My question is - is it weird or selfish of me to say I'll do the school pick ups when I am able to? Or should I be letting family help anyway even though I'm around? I am more than happy for family to pop round whenever they like and have made this very clear but I'm always told they don't want to intrude. But they are happy to do the bits with DS without me. I'm being made to feel weird for saying, thanks but I'm working at home today so I'll get DS after school.

As I said I'm more than grateful for the help when we need it. The days that I'm home late from work and family have sorted him, he's usually not been fed yet, is over tired, hasn't washed hands etc. I will never complain about this because they are helping me out but it just makes evening time so much harder! So I would rather avoid this if I can and when I am here to do it!

I think what you want to do is fine, but this can be the issue with childcare as a favour. You then get those helping you out bringing their own preferences and “ts and cs” (almost) to the table and it’s then hard to say “no, we’re doing it my way”.

Whereas with paid childcare you can just say “I’m doing pick up today” and they won’t care as they get paid either way - or if it’s an ad hoc booking you can just not book that day.

I can see why family members might want a routine they can rely on and might not like to get last minute messages telling them they aren’t needed after all. Perhaps if you say you’ll tell them a week at a time what your working pattern is?

It is concerning you are even questioning yourself tbh

What do you mean?

If you have family who want to help regularly take it. But make the weekly routine clear for everyone.
Really need and appreciate your help.on each weds and thurs. From x time to x time .
Or hire after school care and you get to state what to do with him in terms of food care etc
Ps depending on your job but you cannot care for a 5 yr child after school and work

Of course it’s reasonable to look after your own child when you’re able to (I assume you’re not actually trying to work at the same time?)

That said: if your family enjoy seeing him I can see it might be a bit galling to only be asked to spend time with him when you need it rather than just because he’s their nephew or grandson or whatever. And I can see why they might prefer an “every Tuesday” routine rather than ad hoc.

But bottom line he’s your child and you can decide. There’s nothing selfish about enjoying time with him - he’s your child not a toy to be shared.

Appreciate the responses, I do try to give people plenty of notice if I can do pick up myself, I don't want people to feel like that are waiting about then not needed. I also certainly don't only want them to spend time with him when I need it - weekends anyone is free to pop round, if they want a visit at theirs we will go but it doesn't often happen. It's more so the actual childcare, if I'm free it doesn't make sense to not do the childcare myself!

This is so beyond my experience I can’t really get my head around it. As someone who was widowed when my youngest was in reception, other than a year or so I car pooled I’ve done all pick ups and drop offs. No one ever said they’d do it - nothing against them but my family don’t live near enough.
Bit the thing is why would they think it’s selfish? On these pages the vast majority seems to be his little help women get from family. I’d welcome it kysrlf - any chance for a child to grow a relationship with a relative outside their immediate family should be encouraged . And no it’s not the same them coming over to yours. As for not feeding him - can you not explicitly say that he beds xyz? Or have it prepared for him?

Of course that's fine. He's your child. Our family were all keen when the kids were little and it was a pleasure to see my child so loved and have so many people around them that wanted to build a relationship with them. It's truly priceless and even now that they're older, they're so close with grandparents and aunts and uncles because of this. I wouldn't trade that either. There's definitely a balance to be had. I love that after school pick up as they tend to forget what they did half an hour after leaving school and I get all the daily updates that way. Just do what you're comfortable with

However it also sounds like from your post that you're arranging childcare and then cancelling? People can plan their whole day around immovable tasks such as school pick ups so that seems a bit iffy. As long as they have plenty of notice and it isn't frequent, that's ok

My family were fine with this but when I did it with mil she seemed offended and annoyed

It’s normal to feel this way.

On the flip side - also consider your son and the benefits he would get of having another family member help. My mum collects my son 3 days a week (he is 9) as I work. They are my son’s favourite days. They have the most special bond and relationship shop and on summer holidays he genuinely misses going back to her house and being with her. That’s a bond for life and I love knowing, he has someone other than me and his dad to turn too. It’s a very special relationship.

i think it's the beginning of a new routine and you're wobbling a bit.

it's totally normal for you to do all pick ups or none - you see both types of parents at the school gates, there is no right and wrong.

I think that seeing as you have people able and willing to help, you should try and take them up on it. Maybe start with one day a week and see how you get on, then maybe increase it. Try and make it regular so everyone knows where they stands but also if you need help in an emergency then it's not such a 'thing'. There will be times when you're grateful for it and your son will get used to the routine of it and make sure he washes his hands/ doesn't get too overexcited when home etc

also, not to be condescending or anything, but there will likely be other kids in your son's class with disabilities (not always visible ones) so you won't be alone in that respect either.

dont worry, he will start the routine and you will all be just fine!

It's entirely up to you. But I do feel it would be better in the long run if you allowed some help now. Perhaps once a week or so to begin with, so if ever there comes a time when you aren't able to do it, you'll rest assured knowing that someone else has been 'trained' to do so.

I remember my dad offering to pick ds up one day, just because he was free and it was a nice day and he thought he could walk home with him through the park. No back story, no agenda, he just thought it would be a nice thing to do.

I said "no thanks, I like picking him up. I like seeing his little face when he spots me in the crowd"

And my dad said "So do I. It's such a treat to be able to collect him now and again"

It was so heartfelt when he said it, he just also loves collecting and seeing his grandson after school.

So I let him. He picked him up 2 days a week for years Sometimes also came round and walked him to school in the morning. Share the love and all that. There's no harm. Now my dad is sick and couldn't walk that far even if he wanted to. I'm glad I let him.

But I know there are weird dynamics in many families. Maybe it's not that straight forward for you.

No you’re not being unreasonable. I’ve had to rely on family for childcare over the years and it comes at a cost like you say - the routine is out of whack or things haven’t been done the way you like them. Of course that’s something you have to accept graciously but no way would I put myself in that situation unless I had to. Your set up sounds perfect to me unless your other half isn’t happy. In which case it’s also his child and he should have a say.