I’m looking for some outside perspective because I think I’ve reached the point where I know my marriage is over, but I’m terrified of actually doing it.
Married with two children, early teens/primary age. One of our children has additional needs (autism/ADHD) and requires quite a lot of advocacy and organisation.
I do pretty much all of the mental load and day-to-day organisation for the children and household. School communication, parent-teacher meetings, assemblies, uniforms, appointments, additional-needs advocacy, groceries, Christmas/Santa, clothes, organising things etc. DH works hard and contributes financially, but the actual running of family life overwhelmingly falls to me.
A really mundane example which probably sounds ridiculous: we get our groceries delivered. DH refuses to use the app. I even downloaded it onto his phone so he could add things to the basket, but he simply won’t use it. Yet every week I get repeatedly asked, “Have we a shop booked?” If I haven’t booked it yet, it’s “Why haven’t we a shop booked?” If I’ve arranged Click & Collect rather than delivery, it’s “Why did you do Click & Collect?”
I know that’s utterly trivial in isolation. But after years of being responsible for doing things while simultaneously being questioned about how/when I’ve done them, I feel completely worn down by it.
The bigger problem is his temper.
He shouts a lot and has called me an “ignorant cunt” during arguments more than once recently. There has also been an incident where he threw a phone at me while we were in bed.
Recently our 13-year-old swore. DH screamed at her and confiscated her phone, initially saying she wouldn’t get it back until the following day. I intervened and said I thought a shorter consequence was enough and told him when she could have it back. He threw the phone onto the bed and said, “Do what you want.”
About half an hour later I gave it back to her.
Afterwards she spoke to me privately and said, “Why did you marry him? You could do so much better. All he does is work and shout at us three. I wish you would divorce him.”
Later she asked what would happen if we separated. I said that nobody knew and that she might potentially have to live in a different house.
Her response was: “As long as it’s not with him.”
At that point I stopped the conversation. I told her she’s only 13, I need to be very measured about what I discuss with her and that the grown-up decisions aren’t hers to make. I haven’t told her I’m leaving, promised that she’d live with me or criticised her dad to her.
That conversation has really shaken me.
I’ve spent a long time thinking that keeping the family together was the right thing for the children. I’m now wondering whether I’m actually asking them to live in an angry, unhappy house because I’m frightened of the consequences of leaving.
Our younger child hasn’t said anything as explicit, so I don’t want to put words into his mouth, but he is obviously living in the same atmosphere.
Financially I’m frightened too. Our family home is mortgage-free (the mortgage was paid off using an insurance payout I received following a serious illness). There are some other complicated family/property finances which I won’t go into here. DH wouldn’t be left destitute — he works — but I feel enormous guilt about what his life would look like if we separated.
I’m also scared he’ll become very nasty once he realises I’m serious.
I am booking an appointment with a family solicitor so I can understand the position regarding the children, house and finances before I do anything. I haven’t told DH I’m doing this and I’m not planning to announce anything until I’ve had proper advice.
I suppose what I’m asking is: for those who have left an angry/unhappy marriage where there wasn’t constant physical violence, how did you know you’d reached the point where leaving was better for the children than staying?
And how did you get past the overwhelming guilt and fear that you were blowing up everybody’s lives?
Please be straight with me. I genuinely want outside perspectives, including if you think there’s something I’m not seeing.