AIBU for struggling when my daughter reminds me of my ex-husband?

[mopsbucketsandspades]

My 25 year old daughter reminds me of my abusive ex-husband. I love her but she has a similar sense of humour, looks like him and can be cold just like him. I don't like this in her. Sometimes we have arguments and she is very harsh. AIBU?

Have you “gently” told her about her behaviour? Not her looks as she obviously can’t do anything about that, but have you told her she can be hurtful?

Yes you are being very unreasonable . It is not her choice or fault that she reminds you of her own dad ! She is half him !

you should engage in therapy to work through these issues before you cause permanent damage to your daughter .

She probably knows how you feel. I think my mum feels the same about me. It's sad, there's not much connection between us at all and I'm pretty sure that's the reason. You say she is cold, are you sure that's not how you come across to her if you have these feelings about her?

Of course you are being unreasonable, cruel too tbh. You should try therapy

Well she was made with half his biological contribution. You can’t really be that surprised she looks like him? We get our character from our parents I’m afraid . Rudeness etc fine, have words with her but she’s not really responsible for her biology.

I think you need to try and reframe this before you alienate your daughter. He may have been abusive but he gave you your child and you need to stop comparing her traits to his as she is her own person. Work on dealing with HER traits that need work and your relationship with HER and stop comparing her to traits of your ex (I say this from the POV of someone who has a very narcissistic ex with whom I share two children)

My mum did this, she projected qualities I did not actually have on me (double checked with family/friends etc). It was deeply hurtful and also inaccurate.

Nature versus nurture OP.

She can't help how she looks. My kids all look like my ex, none look remotely like me.

Mine are much younger than yours but I am looking out for grandiose / narcisstic traits to try to ensure they don't follow the same path.

We're they brought up in an environment where it was OK to be cold?

Yes YABU. How are you going to address this? She will doubtless pick up on your dislike of some of her characteristics which other people might not be bothered by (eg looks, humour).

if I were you, I’d seek some therapy. And in the meantime try to reframe the attributes you dislike into a positive - she looks like someone you fell in love with, she has a sense of humour which some people enjoy etc.

whatever you do, don’t say that she reminds you of her father while you are mid row.

I'd try and focus on her, just her, in the here and now. She isn't her dad. She's herself. If her behaviour is upsetting you, talk to her.