Manager asked me if I'm ok, AIBU to be worried or am I overthinking?

[overthinkinggg]

I've been in my job for 2 years. My manager is quite senior and she's pretty hands off and easygoing as a manager. Sometimes it borderlines on feeling a bit neglectful from her side. For example, I remember when I first started she would take hours to reply to my messages and she frequently joins our 1-to-1s 10 minutes late. She is warm and friendly but has always had this little quirks that make me second-guess things. I remember in my interview she left whilst I was still thanking her for her time and I thought 'wow I definitely didn't get the job', but I did.

Yesterday was our regular catch-up and it was going normally. We were speaking about our weekends, I was telling her about what I'm currently working on, I asked her some work-related questions. I never really have much to say in the meetings and have always found line manager 1:1s difficult in every job I've had. Towards the end of the meeting her tone shifted to more serious/personable and she asked 'and how are you? How are you finding everything?' She had already asked about what I was working on so I was confused by her question and taken aback by the change in tone as it was unlike her. I answered briefly and breezily saying that I'm all good, work is fine. I'm second-guessing everything and worrying that I've done something wrong or I'm coming across poorly. For context I am a shy and quiet member of the team, but I get all my work done on time, volunteer to pick up tasks when needed and am always friendly and responsive to colleagues. I do find it hard to build rapport in team meetings and struggle to join in with small talk at the beginning of meetings. I'm worried if something has been said about me being too quiet or too lacking in confidence? I worry I'm coming across poorly. There is another colleague who is similar to me in personality but in a different team. They had to join a meeting of ours once to ask some questions and after they left my colleagues all said how they always feel sad for that colleague and I get what they mean. There is a vulnerability there that you can see, even though the colleague is lovely and hardworking. I feel like that vulnerability is there for me too, and maybe that's what my manager was getting at? Idk. I've been there 2 years and I still feel like an anxious newbie.

AIBU to be worried about this?

You are overthinking. She cares about your wellbeing as she should. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

I think you’re over-thinking this. Do you think you suffer from anxiety? Have you had low confidence for a long time? It might be a good idea to get some support for it, like therapy. When you’re anxious you tend to see/hear criticism that isn’t there.

Agree with this.

Why are you worried? It's your manager's duty to look after your wellbeing. This was your opportunity to tell her exactly what you said to us here if this is something which is bothering you at work. That's what these 1:1 meetings are for, not just work performance issues. She sounds like a good boss and you should be more open with her going forward.

Are you neurodivergent?

Sounds like she’s been told she has to check in on your emotional and mental health. Not for a specific reason but to cover the companies back. Next time say you’re good ‘is there a reason you’re asking’? And you’ll get reassurance.

Either way whether she meant it or not there’s no reason to worry. You’re not in trouble. There’s been no concern shared or issue with work. You know yourself you’re not sparklingly confident so you obviously won’t come across that way and will be considered shy. Why stress over something they haven’t said is a problem because your manager asked a question in a 1-2-1 designed for her to check in on you?

She’s probably been on a training course that told her to ask.

I think checking in with employees are supposed to include open questions - to give you an opportunity to air any other issues you may have come across or be dealing with and which are relevant to work.
I don’t think it was intended to indicate they have concerns. Don’t overthink.

The correct answer if you want your manager to back off and stop prying into your emotions or your private life is "I'm fine thanks, no issues!" or something equally light and breezy.
Not everyone want their 1-2-1 with the manager to get personal.

How do you know she doesn't ask all the employees the same question in the same tone?

If you're shy and hard to read generally the only way to check on your welfare is to ask you about it.

It's not a case of you being unreasonable as such, but overthinking is definitely not in your own interests here, so do whatever you need to do to stop it. That might be therapy.

Good luck.

consider that your manager may have been told to check in on her people, that her laxity is a problem. So she asked you how you are, you spoke about specifics etc then she remembered she has to really ask you how you are doing and it came off strangely.

If you feel your work is good and no problems recently it's more likely her own problem not yours. I understand it made you doubt yourself but I suspect this one isn't about you which is always a relief.

Thank you everyone, seems I am definitely over-thinking it. If it had been any other manager I've had in the past who asked I wouldn't even question it or notice it. I think because she had this change in tone when she asked it - she asked it quite genuinely and it took be aback as I'm not used to her being like that.

I'm not neurodivergent as far as I know, but anytime I post a dilemma on here I seem to get asked if I am so.... maybe lol

She’s probably been on a course or told by her own manager to try to build more rapport with her team, to make sure they know they can come to her if there is a problem, etc.

My line manager asks me how I am weekly as well as in every 121. It’s normal and I don’t always say I’m fine either 😂. Having worked in a work place where no one cared you were in bits and:or injured in the staff room (yep - education) it’s nice anyone actually asks me.

My line manager who I see 6 times a year as we remote work all over the uk, phones ans texts to see how I am. Sometimes I say everything is fine, other times he has to hear about what I'm struggling with and sometime that can be a lot.

I always ask this in 121s with my line reports, we check in talk about work,.priorities, challenges support needed etc but once that's done I will ask how they are as people, it's important. People are not robots, it could be she's worried about you, it could be that she feels she gets a lot of work chat and is trying to get to know you as a person better. I would be more direct and say your work etc is great but how are you, or in concern ed you seen withdrawn/quiet is there anything going on you'd like to talk about it we can support with etc, but if you don't have that relationship already she's maybe kept it vague. If she asks again , you can ask if she's worried about anything or why she's asking that, maybe tell her about this, the spiralling and anxiety?

She might have had feedback from elsewhere that she's not warm/empathetic enough or that she needs to work on relationships with her team