AIBU to worry my partner's drinking is becoming a problem?

[Ange1502]

My partner is quite a regular drinker, he drinks multiple nights per week, and usually has around 12 bottles of beer per night. I don’t drink alcohol myself, but I’m not really sure if this is something I should be worried about?

he can go without and maybe sometimes goes around 3 days without, so when I try and speak to him about it, that’s his justification for it not being an issue. It’s never just one or two, it’s always buying a full crate and drinking them all. Or, on the odd occasion if he’s left one or two, he will go out and buy another crate because 2 isn’t enough. Financially it also does take a toll, and I feel like he’s only really happy or chilled out when he has a drink.

he has started sleep walking and I’m thinking it’s maybe because of the alcohol?

That's a huge amount of alcohol and he will have long term health issues lurking.

He definitely has a problem. And it’s impacting you financially.

How joint are your finances? Do you want to stay living like this? With a drunk man?

Lots of people have a drink or a few to unwind a few days a week but honestly 12 bottles would concern me a bit, especially multiple nights a week every week every week. He surely must be going quite a bit passed just being chilled out after that amount of alcohol and heading towards drunk if not actually drunk?

I usually am in bed and he tends to stay up and will drink, but from his own words it doesn’t make him drunk, which I do struggle to believe a bit! We sleep separately because of this and the fact he’s been sleep walking!

He is an alcoholic OP.
That is a tremendous amount of alcohol he is drinking. Surely even if you dont drink you have heard about the recommended amount of alcohol units. The Drink aware site is very useful.
https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/tools/unit-and-calorie-calculator#/unit-and-calorie-calculator

The point is though only he can do something about his drinking. He has to make his own mind up to that.

Perhaps you should contact one of the charities that help support the families of alcoholics. Al- anon is the most well known own but im sure there are others .
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

How long have you been together, could you move out and say you want a relationship living apart, unless you actually want to split up.
Does he vomit and wet himself like drunks often do, I wouldn't stand for it.

He is a functional alcoholic, that means his body now needs alcohol to function i.e. for him to feel "normal". He needs help from the GP or ?

But more importantly do you have anyone to confide in and can you leave? You don't deserve to become his carer.

If 12 bottles don't make him drunk, I suspect he's a hardened alcoholic. DSD's birth mother became like this - at least a bottle of wine a night and often more, didn't make her drunk at all. She died of liver failure at 43.

He will not stop drinking .
He will make your life a misery in more ways than you can imagine .
This situation will only get worse over time .

save yourself and get out of this relationship . Have a future that you want!

This isn't 'becoming' a problem. It IS a problem. Your partner is a full blown alcoholic. Drinking that amount the night before means that if he drives the following morning, he will still be over the limit. You also say it is impacting your household financially, and it's already impacting your relationship.

Come over to the Alcohol board - there's a long running series of support threads there where you will get support and advice from women who have been where you are now, or are still going through it. We won't tell you what to do, but we will give you honest advice from our own experience.

This is way past the point of “becoming a problem”. Your husband is deep in the throes of alcoholism. He is doing substantial damage to his health and to your relationship.

To put this into some context I left my ex-husband largely because of his drinking and he was drinking about half of the amount yours is.

Do you have kids?

You need to remove yourself (and your children if you have them) from this urgently. Growing up with an alcoholic parent is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

12 bottles a night is actually insane. That’s over double the maximum safe intake limit for a WEEK in a single night. I’d be absolutely off my tits.

Going without for a few days doesn’t mean he doesn’t have alcohol use disorder / alcohol. Many people at AA were able to not drink for a few days or even the work week.

Not getting drunk of high amounts of alcohol indicates an alcohol dependency. The more you drink the less it affects you over time. It’s called tolerance.

Are they the small french bottles 250ml? Even so that is still a problem.

If they are the 330ml 5% ones, thats 1.7 units per bottle x12 = 20.4 units per night x7 days is 142.80. The weekly recommended units is 14 for a man. Thats definitely problem drinking territory. Ive just divorced someone who drank significantly less than this but his behaviour was always an issue. Once he knew i was onto his drinking, he started being sneaky, hiding drinks, he would put two in fridge then take a whole cooler bag of drinks to the room he was sitting in and make his way through them thinking i didnt know as he opened the cans very quietly and disposed of them quietly.

also something to think about is it takes the body 1 hour to process 1 unit of alcohol. Does he drive? Hes most likely over the limit in the morning if so

im glad im out now but still, even the sound of a beer can opening takes me back 🥺

Wow. I saw the title of your thread and I thought you were going to say you were worried because he was drinking on a daily basis. I was not expecting you to say 12 per night. That is a huge amount of alcohol and way beyond the boundaries of normal.

I know mumsnet can sometimes skew towards calling anyone who drinks more than 1 glass an alcoholic, but 12 is definitely not a healthy relationship with alcohol. I don’t know anyone who drinks anywhere near that amount on a random week night.

He absolutely will be damaging his body at that rate. No doubt about it.

Your next steps depend on whether you're married or not, whether you have kids or shared property etc. If you're not tied to this person, your number one concern now is to formulate an exit strategy.