AIBU to be wary about getting back with my ex?

[SeptemberSpook]

Exh and I have been separated for a year after I left him due to verbal abuse and other negative behaviours. We have two children together.

Ex and I met up today and he apologised for his behaviour and took accountability for verbal abuse and also apologised for scaring me at times.

Ex wants us back together as a family, he is telling me to come home and wants to save our marriage.

What are everyone’s thoughts?

He was verbally nasty in arguments but outside of that he could be kind and thoughtful and we could enjoy each other’s company.

He has agreed to marriage counselling and agreed to telling the counsellor why I left.

I am wary though and would need to know he wouldn’t use my leaving as a weapon to punish me with if I go back.
I also miss us being a family and all the happy moments we also had.

You left for a reason, you were unsafe and abused, this also affected your children, how old are they. How long are you married, did you own a property together, he could of sought counselling himself before now if he was serious about his behaviour, the children and you. Deepdown have you all felt happier since you separated, have you started any divorce proceedings and he's worried about finances now.

All you’ll be doing is putting your children at risk of harm and teaching them that is fine to abuse/ be abused.

You shouldn’t be thinking of your own wants of being a family, you should be putting your children first and do what’s right by them.

I’d be inclined to give counselling a go. But don’t get back together yet and definitely don’t live together. Through counselling you could see if he’s saying what you want to hear to manipulate you, or if he’s actually open to change.
Regardless you have to co-parent together so you need some kind of relationship and the ability to communicate without verbal abuse. This could help.
But don’t assume it’s going to end up in you getting back together. You might find out that he’s not serious about change and exploring more through counselling could save the kids (and you) the heartbreak of splitting up for a second time.
If he won’t put the work in and wants a ready made family back because single parenting is too hard, you’ll find out soon enough.

Can’t see a reason why you would even consider it to be honest.

Don't do it. In my experience, men like this don't change. He has probably realised that being a single parent isn't easy and is saying what you want to hear so he can have his old life back. Or he hadn't managed to find his next victim yet, so he is trying to lure you back for some more abuse.
If he's serious, he can get individual therapy for at least a few years. The issue is his so I wouldn't be wasting my time in marriage counselling.

My response is the same as your other thread.

Do NOT go to joint counseling with an abuser.
It gives them insight into more ways to hurt you. The abuser can use what you say later against you. You can't be honest because of the fear of consequences from the abuser. The therapist can possibly fail to recognize the abusive dynamics going on.
If he wants to change, he needs to do individual counseling and stick with it for a long period. Why hasn't he done that over the past year?
Because words are cheap and he hasn't changed, that's why.

Don't do it. It's just manipulation. People don't really change. They might be able to pretend for a while but ultimately things will revert. You'll be in a really tricky position if you want to leave again. Your kids will have to go through a separation again.

Think of all the difficult times you had when you made the decision that enough was enough and you had to leave. If you take him back, I give you six months max before you’re right back there, wondering how the hell you’ll be able to get out this time, especially when nobody is taking you seriously because they think you’ll just go back to him. And how do you think it will affect your children to see their parents split up for a second time. When they reach adulthood, what answer will you have for them when they ask you why you put them through it for a second time?

There is zero chance he has changed and zero chance that you’ll get your happily ever after with him. If he was that serious about changing, he’d be doing all the hard work of individual counselling first and then telling you he wanted to try again. But he hasn’t done that because it’s easier to say he’s very sorry and he won’t do it again, rather than actually do the hard work.

OP, words cost nothing

Don’t do it end off! Cheetahs don’t change

This was our exact scenario weirdly. He left for a year, he seemed to have genuinely changed, was respectful etc... and he moved back in. Anyways, the changes lasted a couple of months before the novelty wore off and the true colours came back. Doubley hard now for the children as he's leaving again. Don't do it. I regret it so much as it's so much worse second time around. They absolutely do NOT change.

You broke up for a reason. It doesn’t matter what he says or does going forward. You can’t undo the past and you are just storing up problems for the future

You have got rid of him. If you get back together, you will end up splitting up again and the next time he won’t leave so easily

Remember all those happy times as a family, came at a cost.

Have happy times with your dc without him there. Your children will thank you

As the old saying goes that talk is cheap. If he wanted to get back with you he would be admitting that he was a problem and getting counselling. My feeling is that he wants to be back home with you doing everything.

Any bad day he has will be your fault.
I think he realises now that he has do to everything on his own including having his children on a regular basis. Then he has CMS looking for money off him as well.

I can guarantee that his disposable income is far less since you split up. Also he is probably finding that woman around his age realise early on what he is like and end things. A younger woman won't want a man who is seperated with kids.

He might be fine for staying with you a few weeks and then his poor behaviour and verbal abuse will start up again. When you tell your family and friends what's happening they won't want to hear it. Meanwhile the kids are stuck with you and him fighting.
You broke up with him for a number of reasons and you need to think of your kids in this situation.

Don't let him move back in and tell him that your not going to counselling with him. Tell him it over between you and you will be getting a divorce.

This.

YANBU. I'd guess the financial cost is starting to hit home, and/or his latest girlfriend has dumped him.

Men don't change.

Another vote for his latest gf has dumped him and he can’t find anyone to be his victim.

He thinks a few well chosen words and an Oscar winning performance , keep everything steady for a couple of months and then revert to type.

Over the years I have got to know many many people. What I have noticed is the majority of men don’t leave their wives until they have someone else in the wings and they don’t go back to past gfs if they think they can pull someone better

You are the stop gap not the forever.

Don’t be silly… move on

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Update-so we met recently for a cup of tea and a long talk. He admitted he was abusive in the marriage and he told me he took accountability for his actions and that there was no excuse etc. He told me he has signed up to counselling and that he would tell the counsellor how he behaved in the marriage and report it back to be. I am still very wary about whether he could be capable of real change though and whether it is a good idea to reconcile in the first place.

He also has agreed to marriage counselling etc. I have agreed to meet him and discuss how reconciling would work but my worry is that he’s now texting like we are back together so sending me goodnight texts with kisses and generally talking like we are a couple. The main thing I have told him is that if we did reconcile it would have to be very slow, I have not told him I agree to getting back together though.