AIBU to feel conflicted about trying for a second child at 39?

[Doidothis]

Not sure if AIBU but I would love to know what people would do/have done in my situation.

39, married, one DD (7) Completely and utterly conflicted as to whether or not to have another child! I don’t care about the big age gap with my DD, she would be an amazing big sister either way (she would love a sibling) and I would much rather a large age gap than 2 under 2/3/4/5! I could not have coped with that. We’ve just been happily living the three of us, never had a huge desire to have another until the last year or so and we’ve started thinking about it. I think another child would be nice, but I don’t love the thought of having a teenager in my fifties, I would love to give me daughter a sibling and I genuinely don’t think it would be a bad change to our current dynamic however we do love our lives at the moment, we love our sleep, our flexibility with one, being able to be very present with her, we don’t have much stress etc…. I don’t know!! Very conflicted.

anyone been in a similar position? How did you decide what to do?

Two of my friends have that sort of gap for various reasons. It’s fine. You need to be more inventive on weekends and holidays to find activities that they both like. The mums were a bit younger but I don’t think 39 is a barrier.

Will you regret not having a second?

That’s your answer.

I stuck with 1. It's a decision I'm very happy with. My ovaries did sometimes twitch when I saw a cute toddler, but when I played out the long game, 1 was definitely best for me. DD would have been a brilliant big sister and she'd have loved a sibling, but, as I point out to her, I wouldn't have been the same mum with 2 and we wouldn't have had the same life at all.

May I ask how old your daughter is now x

I had my second child at 39, and my third child the week I turned 44 ! Zero regrets I love my three boys and they love each other.

She's 19.

You sound pretty happy with one? Is your DH on the fence?

Only a 3 year gap here, but had my second when I was 39. I’m now in my 50s with a teen and I’m not sure what it is about that which is off-putting for you? No regrets here!

A few friends have found pubertal teens and menopause a nightmare.

I fell pregnant with my 3rd (and last child at 39, she was born when I was 40.

My other two were 6 and 17 when I fell pregnant.

I have never felt there have been any issues. Never even thought about it to be honest.

I will say though that I’m 46 now and fucking knackered. I was okay up until about 42/43 but having a young child now has aged me.

I don’t buy into all the shit about older parents having more patience, I have absolutely zero patience left after all these years of being a parent and absolutely no fucking chill. I was far better with my first in my early 20s.

But my elsest is about to turn 24 and my middle is 12, so I’ve been at this shit a LONG time.

ETA - I would have had all 3 close, but I suffer with horrific HG in pregnancy from 4 weeks until birth. No drugs touched it, so pregnancy for me means taking 9 months out of my life to lay in a dark room being sick into a bucket 20 times a day, or in hospital on a rehydration drip. I can do nothing else.

I’m not sure to be honest. I wonder if I just didn’t see myself in my fifties with a teen, probably because my DD will be well into her twenties.

@Topjoe19 that’s the thing - we are happy with one but who is to say we wouldn’t be or be even happier with another! Think this is why I’m so conflicted. DH a lot more chilled about it than me, says he is happy now but wouldn’t mind another.

You can only decide if you don’t want one, not that you do want one, if you see what I mean?

In your shoes, assuming you are on the fence, I would let nature take its course. It will decide for you!

I’m in my 50s with a teen and a pre-teen. It’s really not an issue. In fact it’s good because I work less hard now having peaked in my career, so I have more headspace for my kids. I love having teens. I will say that I’m healthy/not overweight which may make a difference?

So that’s what my DH thinks as should do! Leave it up to fate. That’s actually a really good point about working less etc. I also like to think I will still be fairly well in my fifties, fingers crossed!

I had mine at 33 and almost 41 - but I really wanted a second and DS2 followed three mcs. DH would have stopped after 1, but didn’t object to a second.

Is it harder? Yes in some ways, but I am so glad I went for it. They’re now 26 and 18. We managed to make family activities work, often with one of us running around with toddler DS2 in a play area while the other did the actual activity with DS1, or going to the cinema and seeing two different films. Swimming was fine for us all. Holidays were not difficult. But I would only go for it if you really want a second. And realistically you need to be prepared to deal with pregnancy loss as the risk is increased at 40.

I know probably get shouted down but I had similar desires at the age and firmly believe it was my hormones surging before menopuase.

I aches for a baby for about 2 years before start hrt. Which would have been madness in our situation. Im very glad dh had the snip after our last child.

She might love the idea of a sibling bit a real baby isn’t a doll. How will she feel when her weekends/holidays are all changed due to a small baby and having to compromise and not do big kid stuff with you both?
Don’t OP. She’s at a really nice age now.

I’m in my 50s with a teenager. I know a fair few people in their 50s with teenagers. In fact one of them I’m thinking of I’ve just realised is actually 60. Think I might have missed their birthday, oops! Really isn’t an issue.