AIBU to object to my ex involving his mum in personal decisions?

[HobnobLover]

The backstory of this is im not with my ex, we haven’t been together for years but closely co parent for our sons additional needs. I don’t get on at all with my exs mum, it’s a mutual dislike and we don’t speak etc at all. She barely sees DS from her own choice and because of this DS isn’t very keen on her, she isn’t a safe person to him for the amount of upsets she’s caused.
My own parents are dead.

DS is coming up 13. He’s very dark and begun puberty quite early. Now he’s got the peach fuzz but think dark kind across his top lip. He has asked to shave. Me and his dad had a chat with him that his skin is still quite soft, the risk of cutting himself if he does this alone because he has a massive blood phobia and that once you start you have to continue. Talked about all sorts of solutions including leaving it. DS wanted to think about it more himself. Ex said “I’ll ask my mum when I began shaving”. DS said but it isn’t up to her. Because usually when she gets involved ex will then say “well my mum said” and go with it as her decision. It got my back up too and I thought similar but thought it’s because of my relationship with her. Before I talk to ex about this I wanted others opinions as to whether you’d involve your mothers or mother in laws in such decisions over your own children?

Hes not asking her to make a decision though? He said he'd ask when he started shaving? It's two different things.

He’s not asking her decide, he’s asking her a normal relevent question. You can’t dictate who your ex speaks to for advice really

Not your question but would an electric shaver work for him?

I have a 14 year old with SEN who shaves from turning 14 if that gives you something to work with because I wouldn’t be chuffed with your MIL’s input in those circumstances.

He has some acne and even still we’ve had no cuts. A barber did his first shave for him and his Dad taught him the rest.

Just get a good electric shaver. He can’t go to school with a moustache!

It’s reasonable to check when the dad started shaving, it’s just another piece of information for your DS to consider. I think you and your DS are letting your experience with MIL colour your reaction to that particular comment.

When he asks though like I said he comes back with my mum doesn’t think it’s a good idea and he’s too young or my mum said he would be able to.It isn’t just a question his question gets put into him coming back and saying what she’s said like that’s what we have to do. I know she won’t even tell him what age he started shaving at it will be oh I don’t think he’s ready for that for example.

My dd is an adult now and my lovely mum is no longer with us, but yes, I discussed many aspects of dd's development with her as dd was growing up. That doesn't mean that she made any decisions - she didn't, the decisions were for us, as parents, to make.

I think it's pretty normal to chat to your parents about stuff like this, and you're letting your own feelings about ex-MIL get in the way. Of course, her opinion shouldn't be allowed to dominate but I can't see any issue with your ex simply asking her a question.

Thanks. Mine has acne already on areas of his face and I was a bit worried it would make it worse. It’s a tricky time as he hates both. Thinking about going electric for him.

It’s not the fact, he said he’d ask him mum when he started shaving. It’s the fact when he defers to his mum with a question like this she becomes involved and he takes her answer and sticks with it.

id also feel like your son and not want her influencing my dads decision

Your ds expressed a wish to shave and probably feels really awkward about the dark hair above his top lip.
I think thats reason enough to find solutions with him. The age someone else started shaving is irrelevant really.
Get an electric shaver, as previous posters have suggested.

Really the only person whose decision counts is your DS. Supply him with the pros and cons and tell him what his options are (both mine started with an electric razor. Youngest has acne so this seemed to work well). Let him make his own decision.

My ds (SEN) has an electric shaver/trimmer he uses for moustache and sideburns/beard inbetweeen barber visits. Works great and no nicks or cuts. If it’s bothering your son, give him a solution. Please don’t tell him he can’t if it’s bothering him.

I also do the same with dd (also SEN) for her underarms, I left them until she mentioned them bothering her and she has her own trimmer for them (I do it for her as she is unable) works just as good as a ‘proper’ without the risks of nicks.

I agree ex asking when he started to shave is a different question to him asking his mum whether he should allow it. But ex then saying dd shouldn’t as his mum said he shouldn’t would piss me off and her opinion on that is invalid.

For everyone saying an electric one can you tell me which ones you got please as I have no idea and ex doesn’t use electric ones at all, that’s a whole other issue with why it’s to me a bit off as he’s never used electric and that would be best for DS

I know it’s a bit off a derailment

I think your feelings about your exMIL is colouring your views here. It’s pretty normal to talk about your kids, they’re stage of development and to ask advice about tricky decisions. You and ex are equally your child’s parent, you’ll both have your own concerns about him and it’s normal to use your support network, and she’s part of his. She’s also raised children to adulthood so has experience of all the transitions that are part of that. It doesn’t mean you need to “do what she says”, but it’s fine for your ex to seek her advice. In any event, he’s asking what age he started shaving so he has a guide for his son, there’s nothing untoward about that.

We just got a Phillips electric one for my son, he also has acne like your son and it actually started to clear up when he started shaving daily.

Buy him an electric razor. Problem solved.

Another vote for Philips. My husband and son have tried a few over the years, but always go back.

I think just deal with it yourself, take her out of the equation. My son uses a One blade, I would definitely recommend getting one. I've just had a look, and they are on sale in Superdrug Philips OneBlade 360 for Face - Trim, Edge, Shave with 3 Stubble Combs QP2724/23 | Superdrug

One blade here too, DS is also 13. It seems to be very easy for him to use.

My ds uses a basic beard clippers (similar to the ones used for head hair) and a 1mm guard so hes not exactly clean shaved but it looks much better than his bum fluff tash and wirery under chin hair (yes he looks like shaggy from scoobie doo when he doesn't shave)
This is the sort of razor im talking about https://amzn.eu/d/00cv49fN