Housing issue with disabled teen

[nobody12345]

Hi I just want to stay i will try my best not to be moany and I’m not looking for sympathy I’m just a loss as to what’s best.

My teenage son is autistic with adhd and severe behaviour problems. We have lived in social housing since he was young which was a godsend as I had to give up work several years ago when caring for him and working was becoming too much.
We were originally in a flat but were moved to an end terrace house when the noise he makes was causing complaints from my neighbours.

He is older now and his behaviour has become much more violent towards me and his stepdad and his destruction is increasing daily, holes kicked in walls, 4 tvs smashed this year alone, he is much bigger and stronger than both of us, we have had to have the police out about 10 times over the last 3 years when he has been very violent, even they struggled to control him.

The council have been aware of this and have been relatively understanding as he has basically trashed our house, pulled all the wallpaper off and put holes in all the doors.
We are supported by social work though supported is not what I’d call it as they’ve done practically nothing, I would rather not discuss this as I’m exhausted with wasting my time with them begging for help or respite. One thing they have done is arrange for us to get some adaptions done eg wet room, better sockets and doors without glass etc.
it’s been decided that as he is too unpredictable and violent we must move out with all our belongings for 3 months so that the house can be totally fixed.
I am delighted they’ve taken his needs into such consideration but not to be ungrateful I just have a gut feeling that the disruption of 2 moves in a few months will really unsettle him.
This could result in another mental health dip for him and the violence could escape, we’ve luckily not had to get the police out for most of this year now.

I asked is it would be possible for us to just move to a property that had been adapted beforehand and was told a blunt no.
Am I wrong in thinking this is the best solution as it would be less disruptive and cost the council less? I’m so tired of fighting for help but I honestly think I should push this one? The house next door to us is empty and I worry noise complaints will start again when a new family moves in (it was a very deaf old lady from when I moved in until now)

Sorry for the long story but please be honest as I don’t want to be ungrateful I just want what’s best for my son.

Maybe he needs to go to specialust residential school /respite so that you can have him settled elsewhere? And then do renovations
If he needs two to one he needs two to one
Places like priors court may be suitable?

I don't think you are wrong for believing it is the best solution but they are also in high demand and it's possible they may not even have any current empty adapted properties or if they do, others on the list may be deemed more in need.

It's a really tricky situation. I'm sorry, OP.

They’re offering to redo your house and I think you need to accept and be grateful for that support.

There aren’t a load of vacant and adapted properties that would meet your needs just hanging around your local area, waiting lists are huge and lots of people are likely in similar boats.

It may be disruptive in the short term and I really empathise with you for that but try and focus on the longer term benefits and look to the future because I don’t think this is a fight you will win. The council would choose the cheaper option if it was available and it probably simply doesn’t exist I’m afraid.

I feel so bad for you, my dd was pretty unpredictable, got the scars, but smaller and lighter than me, still is so control was easier.

I know you want to do the best for him but be honest, is he really at the stage he needs specialist care elsewhere? Somewhere where you can visit and just be a parent rather than carer? Social care will not be suggesting it because they don’t. My dsd lives in shared living now, we at residential school before.

it’s so hard once you’re in your situation, even respite perhaps?

Sorry this my first post so I’m not sure how to quote previous posters, we keep getting told there’s no money for specialist schools but though years of fighting we’ve managed to get him an education of sorts at home that works for us.
We honestly don’t mind waiting for the right house, I just worry they do all the work and then we have to move again, he is very noisy and likes to shout VERY offensive things

I don't think you are unreasonable no, but it requires the council to have a property empty that would meet his needs and there probably simply isn't one. To be honest, if they had a property that would meet his needs, they would probably moved you and your son into it permanently and then do up your old property nicely ready for a new family. While I empathise with your situation, in reality if you want a property that meets your son's needs long term, I think you need to be pleased that they are adapting one for you and accept the upheaval.

So basically you want a detached house or bungalow?

Thank you all for being honest, I feel like I’m so caught up in it all I can’t figure out what’s right. I am so grateful that they are willing to do this for us. I think it’s just reality and dread about how he will react to 2 big changes and no doubt a bit of fear that I will bear the brunt if it all goes wrong.

Any chance of staying somewhere familiar during the period of change like a relatives house or something? Could even see if they want to swap and live where the council put you if that’s an option to keep disruption to a minimum and he’s difficult to live with?

I really sympathise with you.
Which adaptations are they proposing are going to reduce the chances of the neighbours complaining?

Thanks everyone, we don’t really have anyone who could accommodate us for that length of time, I think I’d be on edge all the time worrying about damaging anyone else’s property, this is also a big worry for me about the temp accommodation i can only imagine what he could do in 3 months.
None of the adaptions are related to noise but that’s a good idea I’ll raise that with them and it might ease my stress a wee bit