Found out my father is not my dad

[Agghhh37]

My mother has always been horrible to me. I’ve gone no contact with her in recent years due to some things that happened. My dad has always enabled her. He told me last time I saw him two years ago he would always take my mother’s side no matter what.

A few months ago I got told my dad isn’t my dad via my godfather telling me he’s my actual dad as he’s dying and needed to tell me. I just had the dna results back and he is in fact my father. I don’t know how I feel. I’ve already mourned the loss of them both of my parents who raised me, but things are now making a lot more sense as to why I was treated so horribly. I want to just keep doing what I was doing but I feel backtracked now as I realise I wasn’t going mad and two adults in my life have lied to me. My godfather has told me my dad does not know and me and my brother look exactly alike my mum which is how she’s got away with it I presume. Sorry if I’m rambling, I’ve had wine lol.

My real dad who is my godfather has transferred me and my kids today some inheritance money as he’s not got long left but I feel like I’ve been robbed of so much time and connections and so have my children. I also wasted so much time trying to appease my mother for something I thought I had done which has turned out to just be her projecting her issues onto me. I feel like I’m going insane. I have a good relationship with my godfather but I could have had a dad daughter one. I’m just going mad and need to vent. I don’t want his money I would have rather had a dad who treated me nicely, which he did as my godfather but I always thought he was too involved and weird and now I know why. I’m going to give my kids some of the funds for uni as they are both already there but I don’t want the rest of it. He’s now about to die and I’m so sad and also furious he didn’t tell me sooner.

I’m not sure what your AIBU is ? But I would suggest having counselling to process all these mixed emotions .

I agree.
That’s a lot to have to deal with OP. I think your (God) Father probably felt he couldn’t wreck your Mum’s marriage by telling, it must have been very hard for him, and obviously it’s now absolutely heartbreaking for you, to have missed out on the relationship you could have had with him.
Try and talk to him as much as possible in the time he has left. Ask him anything you might want to know, about his parents, his childhood, how he felt when you were born. Does anyone else in his family know ? I assume you are his only child ?
My parents have both died and there are often things that I wish I’d asked them, so I think just getting to know him and your history as much as possible will help later on.
Im so sorry, what a shock.

I don’t have any practical advice beyond agreeing with the very good advice suggested, but offering a handhold for your shock.
I definitely feel that some therapeutic support is needed to help you work through this safely. I’m really sorry for the pain you are in.

Ask him questions while you still can.

Be nice. He’s dying and it won’t matter but I think it will help when looking back that you were gracious in impossible circumstances.

Try to spend as much time with your Godfather/Dad as possible before he dies. You will need counselling to process this news and the feelings of wasted years you have.

Use your inheritance to pay for therapy. Both your biological parents have behaved atrociously and your stepfather doesn't sound much better.

Have you thought about whether you're going to confront your mother over her lies, or do you think it will be healthier for you to maintain no contact?

Sending you virtual hugs OP
What a cocktail of emotions you are having to deal with.
Take care of yourself OP

First thought - what an awful shock and the regret about the missed relationship must be really devastating. Try and focus on the fact that you do at least have the opportunity whilst he’s still here to talk to him as much as you can. And take the money.

Second thought - your mum deserves to have this made public. And maybe that will help you heal.

all the best

Please keep to the forefront of your mind at all times that none of this is your fault or your doing. You are absolutely the innocent in all of this.

Gosh what a shock for you OP. No advice apart from give yourself time to process this and talk to someone if you need to.

It must have seemed right at the time but over time seemed harder to confess. You can’t change the past, only the present and the future. Keep the money for now in an ISA / high interest account, you may need it later on. You need grief counselling. You are grieving for three things, a better mother, your real father and about the lies you were told.