AIBU to feel like I am already mourning my mum?

[crazypiglady]

Mom is only 76 but mentally started declining about a year ago. It’s sped up recently and I am putting in place all practical matters that I hoped I’d never had to consider, especially at this age. Mom used to be the one who I could turn to for everything, she was especially good when I was ill or stressed. I have pressures from work and teenagers as well as my own house to maintain, and that all makes me feel like suffocating on top of caring for Mom. I’ve become very sad and withdrawn when I get to be alone and it occurred to me this week that I feel like I’m mourning Mom. Slowly, over the course of last year, she’s been slipping away, and I’ve just realised it feels the same as when my Dad died.

i don’t know what the do with these feelings or how to cope, I feel a bit like I’ve come off the rails. I’ve got no interest in eating or doing anything I used to enjoy other than working because it keeps me distracted. Home is hard because of the teenagers, work is busy which means I don’t get time to think. I feel like I’m carrying everyone right now and I’ve realised this week that I’d normally have a good old moan to Mom about it, and always she’s make me feel better.

Have you spoke to your teens/partner about how you are feeling? Totally understandable to feel that way.
The last year of my mum's life every time I visited or she visited I always hugged her extra especially as dad had just passed away not long before. I'm grateful I had that time.
When she died although I was sad I accepted it and coped quite well. Recently though found I'm missing her more now than I did then. But I talk to my partner and children told them how I'm feeling and then they also share their lovely memories of my mum and it helps.

You are absolutely right. I felt exactly like this as my tough, beautiful, intelligent, funny mum disappeared in her later years, and I wasn't as devastated when she died because in a way she'd already been gone for a while.

It’s so much to juggle @crazypiglady and it does wear you down. You’re emotionally exhausted as well as physically. You are totally grieving them. Like you, I used to talk to my mum about everything. Sadly, you learn to live a different reality. Do you have supportive friends/ partner/ relatives? They’re the single reason I haven’t cracked.

I know what you mean. My Mum has advanced Alzheimer’s and is a shadow of her former self. It’s actually quite hard to remember well what she was like before.
Her short and long term memory are both tiny now but she does recognise me and my immediate family as we are her main carers. I try and take her out as much as possible to gain memories for me and my children as much as anything.
We went to the seaside yesterday, she hated the amusements! Kept telling me to turn it off so we didn’t stay long there but did have a good day otherwise.

Im just trying to keep things as positive as I can but she is slipping away in front of me and I find it really hard.

Im so sorry you’re going through this. I had exactly the same experience with my mum, and I felt like I lost a bit more of her every day. I found it hard to really believe thst my incredibly capable and loving mum could be developing dementia at the start and tried to tell myself it was something else and she was just a bit forgetful as she got older. But then it became obvious thst things really weren’t right. She had no conception thst she had memory problems, even when she really deteriorated. I lost my best friend when she developed dementia, and it still breaks my heart four years later to think of what her last couple of years were like.

I feel for you, and I am sure this is normal in the circumstances.

My 89y DM has dementia and I feel I have lost her, as she is not there anymore. yet I still visit her .. it is a special kind of cruelty to miss someone when they are still alive. I used to tell her everything, we were so close and she was such a great support. Now I just tell her anecdotes and simple life stuff as she cant understand anything deeper. My dad is well physically but is so devastated that he has become quite self absorbed and isn't there for me any more either. It is totally heartbreaking. I am going through a hard time in my marriage and in life generally and miss her so much. I am also so upset my kids have lost their engaged grandparents.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Can you manage your caring duties on top of the rest of your life - or can you get support, outsource some caring? I am not a carer for DM (although I do of course help when i visit every other weekend) but it must be quite draining.

I too feel quite lonely without my mum to turn to, and I am trying to lean on friends more, specially those who have lost a parent and have a deep understanding of the difficulties of ageing parents and grief. I also just really try to be present in life to enjoy anything at all, but especially my kids, as they are early teens and I am lucky they still enjoy spending time with me.

If you feel like you have really lost interest in life and may be depressed, could you get signed off work and just really look after yourself to try to regain your old self? I had 6 weeks off work in Jan and did feel a bit stronger by the end. Although it was not work causing me stress, I could not have time off from parenting or the rest of my life, so it was the only thing the GP could offer (she said).

This is how I felt. A lot of my mourning happened before my mum died, so the actual death was easier to handle. It was a lot more difficult when my father died because it was sudden and there was no time to prepare for it.

It has a name, it's called anticipatory grief and it is very normal (but awful). Do you have any support to help you through?

A lot of us going through similar by the sounds of it, my heart really goes out to everyone who has shared their experience here, it so incredibly hard. I’ve not heard of anticipatory grief, I’m going to look that up. I just don’t know how to cope with this feeling, I’m just so sad but I have to keep going because my kids really need me at the moment and I can’t afford to annoy my work by asking for time off. I think it’s just coping with the feelings I struggle with, perhaps trying to stay in the moment will help.

My elderly mum is getting weaker and I feel the same. I think it’s the human brain preparing us for then they’re gone. In my case, I think I have done a lot of mourning so when she passes, it won’t be as hard. But then again, I could be wrong and it could be just as hard.

Sorry you’re having a hard time.

It's completely normal. You'll have anticipatory grief as well as grief over losing the relationship you've had.

@crazypiglady , I’ve been where you are and all I can say is please embrace what you have left of your mum. Spend time with her, tell her how much you love her, laugh over memories because it gets worse, and worse. Ask what you want to and say what you need to now. Sending you a hand hold. X

So sorry to hear about your Mom, I hope you can find some comfort in the fact that a lot of us are going through the same thing.

Mine is 81 and has her memory clinic referral appointment this week.
It hit me the other day that I'll never have a normal conversation with her again.

Has your Mom has a diagnosis yet?

You are going through the grief cycle, it’s very normal. Like other posters I am in a similar boat so sending you 💐

May I suggest the Cockroach Cafe threads https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5543019-cockroach-cafe-summer?page=9&reply=154487303

Please don’t let the name put you off, it’s a very welcoming and supportive thread.

@crazypiglady I'm sorry to hear about your mum. Alzheimers is horrible to witness and I've seen a couple of dear family members go through it. I too lost my mum just over a year ago after she spent 6 years living with cancer, so I understand exactly what you are going through with the "pre grief" process. My mum was largely very healthy but lived with a rare and incurable form of cancer which was managed with periodic radiotherapy. However in the final year of her life other complications started and her health rapidly declined. It's a very difficult process to get through. I've had extensive therapy and time on antidepressants and feel like I am finally coming to terms with it all. My dad and I get on well but I miss my mum dearly and as an only child, that makes things harder sometimes.

I think I've said this on here before. I lost mum at 17 and dad at 24 so feel/felt cheated of all those lost years.

Then I started working for a funeral directors and realise the opposite situation is equally as hard. You've had your parents around for all those years. Through the good and the bad. Someone to turn to, to give advice, a hand, a shoulder to cry on. Suddenly they aren't there. I see people in their 70s looking like lost children...which they are.

Op its difficult i know, but perhaps you need to talk to someone about how you are feeling. Its completely understandable to feel as you do, but talking might help

My mil is 97 and her mind is starting to fail and my wife's sister thinks she's still 50 and able to do everything she used to. Which makes her worse, plus she refuses to accept she really can not walk a mile to the butcher. My wife is also find difficulty in accepting it, but doing more for her mum....and that's where you need to consider your options.

By that would it help to get a cleaner, organise meals on wheels or one of those ready meals deliveries. To perhaps look at care now, a home hairdresser who can make mum feel good about herself?

If you have siblings perhaps all of you sitting down with mum now to discuss what is happening.

One thing I will say, if mum needs to down size do it ASAP. I've seen too many times where people haven't and the move is too much.