Is it normal for some people to take an instant dislike?

[Grapevinegallery]

Do you ever wonder why people take a dislike to you?

have just come back from holiday where I met a nice group of people ( group tour).

there was one woman on the trip who clearly didn’t like me. We were sitting next to each other for dinner on the first evening and I thought we’d got on well. Perfectly normal conversation- nothing controversial.

she then spent the rest of the trip avoiding me, or avoiding being in my company if we’d split into smaller groups ( for activities etc.). it was really noticeable. I didn’t openly discuss it with others as didn’t know any of them that well. ( solo tour). But I noticed that another person on the holiday spotted it one evening and seemed puzzled by it.

I’m completely at a loss to what I’ve done. I’ve been on quite a few group holidays over the years ( I’m in my 40’) and I understand that not everyone is your cup of tea, but ive always made an effort with people I don’t massively get on with. I’d need to find someone really awful before I basically ignored them for an entire trip.

i have noticed this happening on a few occasions over the years. For context, I’m generally an open and friendly person who gets along with most people. I have a wide circle of friends- many of whom I’ve known for years. But every now and again ( I’d say 4 people in last 15 years) I meet people who seem repelled by me.

is this normal? Has anyone else experienced this?

I also feel wary about quick positive judgements.

I've had people describe me as a friend the day we met. I think that could also come from deep insecurity. Someone needing to be liked and interpreting getting along with someone they just met into instant friendship.

I had a colleague like that when I was 19. She was mid 20's and extremely overweight and hated all the young skinny pretty girls on sight.

It really bothered me at the time as she was a total bully.

Funnily enough nearly 30 years later we both still work for the same place albeit in very different roles and she's still a nasty cow with a filing cabinet full of written warnings!

You sound very socially capable, some people might possibly find that overbearing or domieering, especially if they are feeling insecure or emotionally vulnerable. Some people can feel easily steam-rollered if they are introverted or shy, you need to give them lots of space to steer the conversation.

You don't mention what you thought about her, did you get an impression of her? Was she open or witholding in her manner? Did she talk much? What was her body language like? Did you try to mirror her or let her take the lead in the conversations?

You don't have to actually answer my questions, i'm not trying to "gotcha" you or pull apart your social techniques. It's not a failing if someone doesn't like you if you were just being polite and conversational, and as pp have said it could just be something really irrational that triggered her reaction and nothing to do with you personally at all.

I find social interaction very easy but social interaction is not my favourite pastime. I do socialise but am quite particular about where and what the crowd will be like.

I am able to stand back slightly and observe the dynamics of social gatherings and can find them fascinating. Some people I find interesting and some I don’t.

I have said this to my DH a few times;
Occasionally you are in a room with a group of people and you meet and have a conversation with someone who is genuinely interesting, and you come away feeling inspired, motivated and happy. It happens rarely, so most of the time I just ‘smile and wave’.

Occasionally you are in a room and you meet and have a conversation with someone that does the exact opposite. I do try to spot and avoid those people.

But @Grapevinegallery fundamentally it doesn’t matter. She didn’t take to you for whatever reason. She most probably also picked up on the effect she was having on
you.

I told my DD growing up and now tell my DGC that if someone is being horrible to them, they are not to take it personally because it usually isn’t about them it is about the person themselves. And I really do mean that.

@Grapevinegallery take a closer look. She was most probably a troubled/unhappy/bitchy person. So why does it matter? Why would anyone want to be liked by someone like that? Steer clear I say.

You're the only one who can answer this. Can you list some things about you that it could be. Otherwise we're all just piling on to say some people are rude and it's their problem. That's possible. But it is also possible that you trigger some people. So, what do you think it could be?

Personally, I actively avoid people who: speak monotonously; smell; are repetitive; either very 'common' or very 'posh' (both vernaculars / voices grate); talk only about themselves; talk too much.. probably other dealbreakers but you'll have to fill in the blanks if none of these ring any bells.

But it could be anything! And that’s fine — not everyone will like you.

Hmm I find excessively positive chatty people really overbearing and quite fake
Personally I think it smacks of people pleasing rather than responding naturally and getting to know people

I agree. But the OP asked..(!) - just don't think we can do much except suggest self-reflection (and pile on of course about how crap people are).

Many years ago, I started a new job. Got on well with pretty much everyone, but took an instant dislike to one guy, who I'll call Tom (for that was his name)

I had no reason to dislike Tom, he seemed like a fairly decent bloke. Everyone else got on with him, he was a helpful colleague, he had a couple of irritating habits, but no more than anyone else. He just made my teeth itch every time I was in earshot of him.

I just sucked it up, because well, I had no choice. We had to work together, and he hadn't actually done anything wrong. But I will admit to bailing on the pub after work sometimes when it became clear there were only 3 of us going and one of them was Tom.

But had I met Tom in a different situation, then I'd probably have avoided him like the plague. On a holiday with him like in your situation @Grapevinegallery , I'd likely have done what your person did. I'd want to enjoy my holiday, Tom would be a hindrance to that, so I'd just make sure I was wherever Tom wasn't. Yeah, I might come across as a little rude, but I'm never going to see these people again, and better I seem a little rude now than let it build up and end up yelling "Oh shut the fuck up Tom" on the last day!

(As an aside, I eventually worked out why I loathed Tom. It took about 2 years, but one day I was sat watching him talk to someone else, and I realised he had so many mannerisms that were just like my Dad. My Dad is an absolutely spectacular knobhead, and I'd basically transferred that onto this poor bloke just because he walked and talked like him. Once I realised that, the loathing dissipated quite quickly and I actually quite like Tom these days)

I suppose it must be normal if I've experienced it too. I've been like that towards a colleague ans at least 5 other in my entire life. Nothing wrong with them. They were great. I just hated thier face which provoked me. I know it's a childish outlook. Other colleagues noticed and mentioned it which prompted me to self-reflect. When I thought it happened to me, it wasn't nice either. I think it's down to how we judge others and unfortunate chemistry.

I think this could happen if you expressed a political or religious opinion that someone didn’t agree with or if you eg swore and someone didn’t like that. Or inadvertently said something that betrayed a prejudice, or had too much to drink?

But generally if it has happened once or twice it’s likely to be them, not you.

Sadly, there’s quite a few women at work like this - just plain unfriendly. At first I thought it was just me they didn’t like, but we’ve had some new people start recently who’ve also said these particular people aren’t friendly to them either.

Yeah I can think of one person, it was quite odd really, I wasn’t overly friendly or anything, it was a party and I only made one or two innocuous comments in passing. What was strange was it was even before I opened my mouth. it’s not that important, it was just strange.

Who knows what the reason was. I think it’s because I’ve never taken an instant dislike to anyone so I find it a bit bewildering. I wouldn’t take it personally Op you have no idea what it’s about, we are primed to be alert for rejection but in the great big scheme of things people may not like us for many reasons and happily in your case the woman was completely inconsequential to your life.

How did she try to humble you regarding your looks? I just don’t buy this whole “other women don’t like me, women don’t want to be my friend because I’m too good-looking and they feel threatened or jealous”. There might be the odd deeply insecure woman who reacts like that, but for you to say you “got a lot of hate for it” says more about your personality than your looks. It’s a way to make yourself feel better about not being an interesting/charasmatic enough person to be liked by others. I’ve been told I’m beautiful all my life on the regular, I’ve also worked in all-female workplaces. I’ve never had anyone take a dislike to me for any reason, but I’ve always been friendly, fun, open, and interested in others. I do agree that SOME women can assume a very good-looking woman is stuck-up before getting to know her, but that’s just superficial first impressions. They all melt away as soon as she opens her mouth if she’s a nice person

She regularly pointed our little flaws and was generally unpleasant.
My blue eyes were scary
my legs were short etc
Shes had all sorts of grievances against her. I know im a good person so i gave up caring

Happens, don’t sweat it.

It’s not a defect in you, just a mismatch. That’s ok.