AIBU to ask my ex to help with school uniform costs?

[Stolendance]

I’ve asked my ex if he would like to contribute anything towards child’s school uniform with which his reply was - what do you do with the money I give you each month. Now it’s not a lot he gives me and I was only asking if he wanted to help towards it as this year, child’s school is changing the colour of uniform and also changing the type of of uniform so it’s been everything I needed to get. I’m not asking for half of the money but like maybe £20 towards it all. Surely a dad would want to check in and make sure their child has everything they need for school and maybe offer a bit of support towards it? It’s all been left for me to buy. I buy all child’s clothes and shoes. When child goes to dads they goes in the clothes I have bought he has no clothes at his I often give him some of the clothes we have here to keep at his. Like am I really being unreasonable to ask for a bit of money. He earns a decent wage

I would be tempted to tot up the annual expense of your child, include the added cost of rent/mortgage for his bedroom, food, extra heating and electricity, clubs, childcare, presents, clothes, uniform, shoes, school trips etc. I bet good money that his monthly contribution does not come close to covering this, plus it sounds as though you are default parent so no doubt your career options are more limited than his. Present this back and ask why he isn't paying half of what it costs to raise your son?

Are you getting the full amount from him you are entitled to via CMS?

Should he? Yes. But also you can't make him sadly and he sounds like a shitty man.

So make sure you see getting max child support from him and have as little contact as possible beyond parenting. You can't change him and make him a good, responsible father

You can ask but he can say no

Your mistake was asking if he would like to contribute.
of course he doesn’t want to, as referenced in his reply.
is he paying enough?

Yeah that’s shitty of him, I bet he his cms doesn’t even cover your grocery bill. How often does he have the kids?

Unfortunately if he is paying the full amount of CMS he is technically correct in that he has already made his financial contribution. I know that CMS is often just a token amount in reality, so you are by no means unreasonable OP. But he should have some clothes for them to wear at his house (and he should be the one washing them). Can you push back on this rather than the school uniform?

Everyone seems quick to say how shitty the man is, but we don’t have the full picture to jump to that conclusion.

How much CMS is being received, how often does he see the kids - he may have his own child related expenses etc. How old are the kids? Is mum earning/maximising her income?

What he pays is a percentage of his income, which you say is decent. So are you going through the CMS and getting the minimum the system says?

You’ve asked, he’s said no, nothing else you can do.

What would be the point of this? He doesn’t need to pay half of her costs, that’s not how it works. What if he says her mortgage is too high, the food she buys is too expensive, she should get a better paying job?

Their finances are separate now they’re divorced/separated. He owes her a percentage of his income. If she was a millionaire he’d still owe her the same amount as it’s solely based on his income and how contact is split.

Any father that doesn’t want to contribute as much as humanly possible is a shitty man.

evidence we’ve got clearly shows he doesn’t.

Really? He needs to be able to live as well. You could say the women is shitty for not wanting to contribute as much as humanly possible. This is just a ridiculous statement.

£20 is no good OP. Send your ex the link to the prices of school uniform and shoes.

Does he earn a decent wage? Its disgusting I also asked ex for an extra £200 as DC is starting high school and its cost more this year as its all logo stuff. He said no but he is a tight arse and I never get anything more than CMS.

You are within your rights to ask but I would suggest a better figure of £100 at least!

Well what did he say when you answered his question?

He sounds like an idiot, does he pay the full CMS amount?

Shitty men. My ex is the same - in fact I've given up asking because he seems to get a kick out of saying no. But you can't make him. It should be a whole other level of embarrassment for them but it's not...

If you think £20 would make a difference, there is a wider issue here. Either not paying enough, or your money management skills. I expect the former.

Yes he does pay the full CMS and I know he doesn’t have to give me anymore than that. I do get it. And I guess that was my question AIBU to ask for a bit extra. I’ve also just paid a big chunk of money for childcare costs over the summer holiday which is all extra this month and also covers days where he has been unable to have child and it’s me that pays for this. I didn’t ask for a specific amount just if he wanted to help out. £20 I just thought was fair as would have got a pair of shoes at least.

If you’re paying for childcare on days when your Ex is scheduled to have his children but doesn’t, maybe start telling him he needs to cover cost of any childcare you then have to arrange or tell him to arrange and pay for it himself.

The money he gives you is for the time that they are with you so stop sending clothes to his house as he is supposed to provide for them when they are there.

We wrote this into our consent order when we divorced as we agreed it’s over and above usual maintenance. We each pay half for school uniform and any school trips. Saved any arguments although it’s always me buying it to start with. God knows what he’d buy if he had to. And sometimes it’s been October by the time he paid his half! But he’s getting better.
I think you need to communicate differently and tell him how much it is and that he owes you half. Same with the childcare costs. Also he needs to buy their clothes for his house just like he would buy toiletries, food and other essentials.
Sounds like you’re far too much of a pushover here and the only one actually parenting. Change your approach.

He should definitely cover the costs of childcare if they are his designated days. He should also supply his own clothing when the kids are with him. If he’s paying CMS legally that’s all he has to pay, in my view it depends on the amount he is giving up and whether he covers extras.

my ex is always asking for more & already gets £900 pcm, dla for our child plus child benefit. On top of this I cover dental/optical, my son’s Spotify account and his pocket money but get constantly harassed for more and abused when I say no. I provide school trousers/shirts but expect her to cover shoes/ blazer / Pe kit etc. So it really depends on the circumstances.

You shouldn't be paying for childcare on his days. If he has the child one weekday per week in your custody arrangement, then he needs to pay for care on that day.

I suggest you go back and tell him he needs to repay x cost of childcare for this summer and that going forward, he needs to arrange and pay for suitable care on his days himself.

He should also be paying for clothes etc on his days. I appreciate that is hard in practice to do if he is a shit dad and you aren't willing for your child to be in filthy or unsuitable clothes. But you could at least try and raise this and say instead of him giving you 20 quid, he should buy one jumper, one polo shirt and a pair of trousers to cover the one day a week then child is with him (or however many days). He isn't giving you cash then if he objects to that. He is equipping his house with clothes for the child.

Although if he refuses there is little you can do.

If you provide anything for your DC at his house I’d stop doing that tbh. Does he cover any weekdays or just weekends?

Yes it’s very difficult as he doesn’t have set days as much as I’ve tried to get some consistency he is not consistent. That’s another conversation. It’s like talking to a brick wall tbh. He does a few pick up from school and drops back after dinner so I guess for him he doesn’t need to buy clothes. Let’s not talk about child coming back in school uniform covered in dinner and often stained. That’s why I ended up giving clothes so they can change out of school uniform but does that happen of course not. He doesn’t have overnight stays even though he said he would that never seems to happen either. Anyway I’m migrating. It’s a shit situation tbh

There's some advice here from people who just don't "get it." For example childcare on his days - my ex has set days and if I don't pay for childcare he won't. He won't collect my children and I will need to cover when I'm working. Same with clothes- if I don't send them, the children suffer - he'll glady have them wear the same clothes for his time with them. So it's not always as simple as that. They know you have to pay for holiday child care, they know your children need new uniform on top of activities over the summer. They just don't care enough. And as a society these men (nearly always men) aren't ashamed or ostracised for this behaviour.

Depends on what hes paying you every month. Hard to determine whi us unreasonable without that info.