We’re both late twenties and met about 5–6 years ago. She came to the UK from a Nordic country and married a man she’d met online after only 1–2 months. I actually knew her dh first, which is how we met, but she and I became extremely close very quickly. She has had 2 dc.
She is genuinely a lovely person and was a very good friend to me, but she would often drip-feed information and seemingly watch my reaction before revealing more. I’m not judgemental at all but I realised a while back she’d always try to present as an innocent, pure slightly naive young woman. It’s like she really cared about her image. For example, we’d FaceTime regularly and I’d speak to her dc, then one day she casually revealed that the name I’d always called one of her dc (the name she told me) wasn’t even their actual legal name. Not something I’m entitled to know, but it added to this feeling that even ordinary information was strangely guarded. There are lots more examples of withholding simple information on her part. She also said that her parents were very lovingly protective of her and she wasn’t exposed to the world but then accidentally let it slip that she traveled to Ghana twice alone long before meeting her dh. Nothing wrong with it, it just didn’t match the innocent non-exposed protected image she tried to present constantly.
The biggest issue was always her whereabouts. She’d ask exactly where I was, but if I asked where she lived she’d say something like “near Birmingham”, then eventually give me the neighbouring town. She once invited me to visit, and only then she gave me only the first part of the postcode, but her husband ultimately said I wasn’t allowed in their home while he was working away (???)
A couple of years ago she told me they were moving but repeatedly said she didn’t know where. Around the time they moved, her husband posted an IG story from her home country. I casually asked her if they were off on their travels, and she specifically told me they hadn’t left yet. I didn’t actually push this as I presumed it might’ve been an old pic/video he posted (I don’t communicate with her dh). Months later she said they’d actually moved to her home country ages before. We’d been speaking throughout that entire period.
Last year she asked where I was, I told her (she knows exactly where I live), then when I asked her she said they were “between [her country] and the UK”. I eventually stopped responding because I couldn’t understand having a friendship where somebody wanted to know me but didn’t want to be known by me.
She tried contacting me, including calling twice in February, and I ignored her. I absolutely accept responsibility for that. I was in a terrible place mentally at the time, wasn’t even in the UK and didn’t feel able to communicate properly. I also still felt conflicted about the friendship.
I missed her and recently got back in touch after getting myself back on my feet. I explained everything, and she responded instantly and seemed genuinely happy to hear from me.
Since then, communication has too slow. I asked how she’d been, and four days later she replied saying her life had been turned upside down and she wasn’t doing well. It appears her marriage has broken down, although she hasn’t actually told me why. She’s now staying with her in-laws with her dc, says she’s finding it extremely difficult and told me that when she called me in February she desperately needed somebody to talk to.
For context, I never knew exactly what their marriage was like. Her husband is extremely religious and she seemed submissive, so I assumed some things were connected to their very traditional Christianity. He’s born here but west-African heritage, so different cultures, too. I don’t know whether any of that has anything to do with their separation.
She apologised for being so vague with me previously and said she’d been constantly moving around with dc and felt embarrassed because she didn’t know what was going to happen.
She says she doesn’t know what to do or where she’ll go. Her family are abroad and she says returning home isn’t really an option because she wants to homeschool the children and it’s illegal there. Thankfully she does have a WFH job.
I suggested she come back to my city because housing is much cheaper/easier to obtain here. They are currently in London, but they used to live in this city. I told her she and the children can stay with me temporarily because I have the space and resources to support them until she gets housing, as she’d ultimately need housing for her and the dc. She earns just above minimum wage.
My last message was yesterday at about 4pm asking where she thinks she’ll go and reiterating that I can accommodate her and the children in the meantime. Nothing.
I also tried calling yesterday and she said she couldn’t speak because she was at her in-laws’, which I understand, but she isn’t texting either. Every exchange takes 2–4 days, and I reply within minutes.
I do genuinely sympathise with her. I haven’t been in her position, I don’t know what has happened in her marriage and I can imagine she’s overwhelmed. But I’m finding the communication exhausting. I’d expect some sort of acknowledgement, even if it was simply “thank you, let me think about it”.
I really care about her and don’t want to abandon a friend during what may be one of the worst periods of her life. At the same time, this isn’t entirely new behaviour; the secrecy, drip-feeding and difficulty having a straightforward conversation have been present throughout our friendship, and I’m exhausted by it. She has always seemed almost too proud or embarrassed to tell me things, and perhaps now that things have apparently fallen apart, she’s finding it even harder to let me properly see what’s going on. Perhaps because I didn’t reach out for so long, she’s just distancing me, perhaps hoping I get the message. Which I can understand. If I was taking days to respond to someone, it means I don’t particularly wanna talk to them. But she doesn’t have anyone else here.
So AIBU if I just stop trying now and leave the friendship alone? Would that make me a bad friend considering what she’s currently going through?