To desperately ask for some support? Life far from how I planned

[Juttsdp]

I’m almost 40 (38 tomorrow) and have one child age 4.5. I historically suffered with low self esteem which meant I ended up with a few not so nice men. One of which was my child’s father. He sees our child fortnightly and other than that we don’t see or hear from him. He often tells me this was ‘my making’ as what did I expect when I dated a ‘highly successful man.’

For as long as I can remember I’ve always wanted a family and although I’ve been single now for years, it’s only recently dawned on me that the reality is that I’m very unlikely to have more children, and because I’m constantly chasing my tail with my child on my own, I don’t really have time to date or form a relationship anyway.

Today we went to a kids party and so many parents were there, nearly all the kids have siblings. I felt so alone. I used to be good at hiding these feelings but lately I’ve been consumed by the sadness. Life looks good on the outside as I’ve been lucky with my career and can afford the things that means for the most part my child has enjoyed a life that would normally come from two parents’ input. But behind the scenes I am so alone. I know a relationship or marriage isn’t a magic fix and people who have that aren’t automatically happy. But the future feels lonely and I can imagine again waking up on my 40th birthday with me and my child (who is wonderful) but no family unit in the sense I always imagined.

I’ve also become hugely sensitive to hearing about people’s pregnancies knowing I will never have that again and knowing how much ex destroyed any enjoyment of being pregnant before. It feels unfair and I know that’s just life but it’s so hard. I feel sad today. I can’t see how anything can ever be any different.

You have a beautiful, healthy child. Many people do not have that and would give their lives to have it.

Please try and see the positives in what you have. You got away from bad relationships, that takes immense strength. If you really do think you have capacity emotionally and financially for another child then you can look at fostering or adoption?

@BillieWiper thank you for replying. I do always try and remember that is a huge blessing.

I don’t think I could cope with another totally alone as much as I would love to do that in a healthy happy relationship

Better to be alone than lonely in the wrong relationship, surely?

I think your birthday is bringing up these issues. Enjoy the day with your lovely DD.

I think in that case it's best to just focus on your lovely child. Being an only child has it's advantages. No competition for your attention! And lots of kids don't really get on with their siblings in childhood.

Ignore the happy healthy child be grateful comments, its so unfair and pretty much is silencing you expressing how you feel, you can still wish for the life you wanted and be grateful. I have two living children and two full term babies in a grave. Grief and joy co exist. I'll never get over it but I'm happy to have my little ones too. The amount of people that told me to appreciate what I have, after I had deal with the fact that we burried our two babies. It's ok to feel sad about the life you envisoned. Now the most important bit, what to do about it. Do you need to chat to someone about it? Do you need to fill your leisure time with fun things and are you being good to yourself? You hopefully have a lot of time left on this earth and you never know the people that will come into your life through your child and the years ahead. You aren't alone x

I wonder if you are building a potential 'perfect' other life though?

I mean you have so many positives in your current set up - you are successful in your own right, you have a lovely DD, you are smashing being a single parent. But you're lonely and this is making you think that everyone in a couple with a few kids is having a great time.

Can you maybe join a few clubs or groups to meet other single parents? It might reassure you that it's better to be single than unhappily attached, and it might help what seems to be a dollop of loneliness.

Stop comparing yourself

Agreed.

I’m in a very similar position to you OP. Similar age and similar age child and been single for years after abusive relationship with dc’s dad. I get lonely too sometimes when I’m around friends with 2 parent families and kids with siblings but I also see something in them that they don’t have and I do: a really lovely, special and super close relationship between me and my dc that just wouldn’t exist in the same way if we were a two parent family or if she had siblings. It’s such a special bond that you should try not to take for granted. I really see it as a huge bonus of it just being the two of us

Sorry you feel this way. The only answer is to focus on what you do have. And (misery loves company) to remember that there are sooo many people out there worse off. And like you said: tonnes of married people are unhappy or cheating or worse.

Get yourself on dating apps and get a friend or two who will go to bars with you and try to meet people. Figure out the childcare. But that doesn't mean it will work out - still got to try!

Wishing you well x

I think building a network with other single parents is a good idea to help the loneliness. Honestly let romantic relationships take a back seat for a while and prioritise yourself and your child.

Op have you spoken to your gp about being consumed by feelings of sadness? I think you sound depressed. You might need some therapy to work through your feelings around your expectations vs reality. It's ok to feel sad but you need to find a way tomwprl though it before you spiral. You have every cha ce of meeting someone and no longer being unhappy but you won't do that until you start enjoying your life as it is.

@Juttsdp You sound like you need to heal. Imagine you meet someone and it doesn’t work out. More pain, more loneliness. Give yourself time to truly heal. Immerse yourself in your DC and career. Create a beautiful life for you both.

The pain you express in your post, will not dissolve on meeting another man. It really won’t.

You can choose a family if you want one.

If you aren't close to your parents or siblings if you have them, I would be focusing on building community around you, friends who show up and love you, good support structures, people you can share life with without the romantic element.

If you are looking for a partner, have you ever addressed the self esteem issue? That and the sadness you are feeling would suggest to me that there is some work to be done there.

You haven't mentioned friends or relations at all, and in your situation that is where I would put my focus. Build up relationships in general, have fun and expand your horizons with your child, and place the possibility of a relationship in the background. You are an age when anything is possible, and there is every chance a decent man will turn up, but that's more likely to happen if you are in a good place yourself.

My tuppence worth @Juttsdp ...

More often than not, the life we have is not the one we imagined. When that realization hits, we can be delighted, relieved, or in your case, a little sad. Fair enough I say!

Sadness however, can be a positive force, because it implies that you are taking stock, saying goodbye to a few dreams, and going about the very hard work of accepting what you actually have.

BUT!

You cannot allow yourself to wallow.

Build an alternate family. Start a network of other single mums - there will be many more like you. Get a support group going between you.

Do quality, life affiriming, things - read good quality, thought provoking books; get really familiar with a great piece of art or an amazing piece of music.

It is a lonely time when all of this kicks in, but you are facing up to some important realities. That takes strength and it takes courage.

It is also loaded with opportunity. DS is almost 5?
In ten years he will be 15 and you get to decide now how you would like to live those years.

Don't think you are alone in this - a life well lived has some loneliness in it, both in and out of a relationship.

Good luck op.

There is a reason why there is the saying - the grass is always greener on the other side.

I completely understand how you feel and of course it’s lonely.
You feel guilty for your child because you just want them to have a happy family and be loved.

But unless you found the perfect man, being in a relationship can be just as stressful as you know.

Even if you met someone soon, your kids will have at least 6 years between them which is a pretty big gap.
Your time will also not only be on the new man but also a new baby too and I can tell how much you love your child and how guilty that would make you.

You can only make the best of the situation you have now.
It may be that you meet a man with a similar age child and have ate siblings instead.

I am so sorry you feel this way.

Oh my goodness though, what a wonderful life you have. A beautiful child who you can afford easily. You're an independent woman with a great career. What a role model! Also, you've escaped this awful man. Another great thing to model to your child.

I think 2 children can be hard work sometimes. My sneaking suspicion is that there's a lot to be said for having one.

Congratulations on your solid, enviable life.

Also, you have absolutely ages to meet another man. Years and years. Concentrate on a quality relationship, not another kid, would be my advice

Thanks everyone. I am not sure what’s got to me this week but perhaps it is the birthday. I feel the odd one out all the time

I think your feelings are completely normal OP. Milestone birthdays make us all stop and scrutinise where we are and where we thought we’d be. You’re doing great!
I'm ten years on from where you are now. DD and I are really close, we have some brilliant holidays, and get to do things we’d not afford if she had a sibling.
It's easy to mourn the life we thought we’d have. Find the joy in what you’ve got.

Unpopular opinion..?

If you sit with it and still feel the same go for sperm donor...

You make good money, you can buy in help...night nanny, cleaner, meal services etc

I didn't have my first until I was nearly 39. I was 3 months from getting pregnant when I was your age. Now I am 41 and have two lovely boys. I know a lady older than me who's just had her first and is absolutely loving life as an intentionally single parent. That might be worth looking at?

My life when I was younger was similar. I was desperate for love as I had zero self esteem so always picked the wrong men. Since I was a child I always wanted children. I remember telling my mum when I was playing with dolls that I was going to have a baby when I was 21! 🤣
Anyway life didn’t work out like that. I got pregnant twice with unsuitable men when I was in my 20s but both ended in miscarriage anyway which I guess was for the best.

I met my now husband at 38. The first nice normal man I dated. He was also desperate for a family. We tried for years but sadly only had 4 miscarriages. (I’m guessing this is my “fault” as for whatever reason I don’t seem to be able to carry to term). We spent almost £35000 on fertility treatment and are still paying it off years later. I feel so guilty pretty much daily for the fact that I can’t give my husband the family he wanted. I’ve debated leaving him. I’ve given him the choice to leave but so far he chooses to stay. I do worry that in a few years he might change his mind. And I almost wish he would so I don’t have to live with the guilt.

But for now we live the best life we can even though it’s different to what we wanted. Because of the debt from the fertility treatment we can’t afford nice holidays or anything but we hope one day we can once it’s paid off. We know we’re in for a very lonely old age (both only children as well so not much family at all) but all we can do is make the most of life as it stands when we are able to.

This is a good point. I know more women who have yet to have their first baby at 38 than I do women who have had a baby by 38. You’re still young, OP, and if a relationship and more children is what you want, then you still have plenty of time to find that. You don’t have to give up on your dream life at such a young age. There’s still time.