To ask you if you recognise any of these ‘symptoms’?
I am late 40’s, I know there is something wrong with me but my GP isn’t historically helpful so I am hoping to narrow down what is happening to me so that I am better armed when I go see them.
It’s long and I’m sorry about that. Hopefully some people recognise some of how I feel and realise it’s difficult so therefore want to help / share experiences.
My period are regular and heavy (all my life this has been the case) but I feel like the way I feel has to be hormonal, otherwise I’m basically a psychopath that has just been masking their whole life. If I am the latter then I obviously need some psychological help and will seek that.
Over the last 2-3 years I have become harder and harder and more and more detached from other people generally. I had lots of empathy when I was younger, felt sorry for others’ etc end now I simply don’t. This makes my life much easier in some ways so I haven’t necessary cared so much but now I realise it’s affecting my relationships. I know some of that is quite general so I’ll give you an example to show what that looks like. If one of my children were upset about something happening at school, say a friendship issue I would have thought about it a lot until it was resolved. Now, I do the right thing and say the right things that I’m obligated to but I don’t actually sit worrying about them or lose sleep over it. If someone told me they were upset I would tell them I’m sorry and offer assistance but I wouldn’t actually care. I’m just doing what I know is socially acceptable so that I’m not found out in order to avoid someone calling me out for not caring. Someone told me about an issue that was making them exceptionally sad earlier and I just felt like it was something really self indulgent to be upset about. When I told my OH he said that anyone would be upset by it and I just couldn’t imagine it upsetting me (I daren’t say what it is because I already know 98% of people would be upset by it). I don’t really want to be around many people, I just want to be at home and find other people pretty annoying in general. This includes immediate relatives (trying not to out myself) but should be people I love unconditionally. I enjoy the company or my sibling but even we aren’t in each others say pockets, a couple of hours chatting a fortnight is plenty for both of us. Im happy to go out and do stuff so it’s not any sort of phobia etc, I just don’t want to be in anyone’s company for more than an hour or so at a time. I find it difficult to know if some of how I feel is due to being a parent for such a long time (surprise child when older ones were becoming independent) so I’m pretty tired or if it’s because my relationship is crap - long term but pretty unhappy on my part. So if my OH says to me they don’t feel well, in my head I say ‘couldn’t happen to a nicer man.’ Or words to that effect but he has been a shit so maybe I wouldn’t feel that way if I were with a man that had actually treated me properly. Same with my sex drive, I don’t fancy it very often at all but my partner has completely let himself go and is difficult to respect for many reasons so I don’t know if this is a part of a bigger problem or if I just needed to get rid of this one a long time ago. I don’t like many men at all, I find them irritating. I see people with their husbands and I just see their flaws. I rarely look at one in a positive light.
I find my children annoying, right now one is going on and on and I just want say ‘Will this story about the toilet ever end?’ I won’t say that, I will smile and nod but I do know I shouldn’t feel this irritated by people I love. But my love doesn’t feel very strong to be honest and then I feel guilty. I don’t look forward to things with them, I pretend to though and say I’ve had a nice time. I lie basically. My OH will ask if I’m excited to go on holiday for example because when he met me I was the most enthusiastic person he had ever met. Now, I internally think ‘yes so excited to spend time together with you boring me, the kids saying Mum x 400 a day, not getting a moment to myself, tidying up after a bedtime x 200 and spending money that I don’t want to.’ There’s no enthusiasm for anything from me, I just pretend. For example, I can’t stand Christmas and how commercial it is but for my older children I was Mrs Claus. I just don’t really look forward to anything. I do sometimes enjoy things but I have had enough of being enthusiastic for everything, I feel
like I’ve done it for too long and just don’t want to anymore. I pretend because I do love my children and don’t want them to suffer because of me. When other adults are exited to do things I find it difficult to relate as nothing really excites me.
The biggest issue is the intense periods of rage that I feel. I could pull a bear apart with my hands when I get these intense periods of rage. I never used to get them, I would get angry and then cry but very infrequently. Now, I can feel it building and just cannot calm down. I am furious I can say nasty things. I don’t do anything to physically hurt anyone but I certainly would like to. On some level I stop myself but I do know that in that moment I want to lash out. It happened yesterday, I was like it for about an hour and afterwards I felt exhausted. I had a migraine and my body was aching.
Did anyone experience anything similar in menopause / perimenopause? I think typing that I sound depressed but I don’t think I am. If you recognise any of this then please tell me what you did that helped. What did you ask for at the surgery? Any therapy that helped? Any tests I could pay for privately?
I am fit and strong for my age, only a minor health condition that is under control. I work but it’s no longer as stressful as it has been in the past so it’s not work burnout.